Clarifying lying...

Re-reading, I thought it might be helpful if I clarified what I meant by lying. I must constantly remind myself that my perspective frequently deviates from the norm. There are the everyday lies: "How are you?" "Fine." Actually, I'm sick; I was up all night; my job is in jeopardy; my relationship is a mess; the dog isn't acting the same, and I've no idea why or if it's serious or a funk... you get the idea.

Those aren't the kind of lies I'm talking about. I'm talking about things like acting as if I like something I hate because I want the other person to be comfortable. What about my comfort level? And is the other person so insecure that they can't handle a disagreement? Some are; that's true, but I'm also cheating myself out of the opportunity to share a different perspective.

More important are the lies to myself. Telling myself I'm fine, when I'm not. Telling myself I'm not hurt by this or that, and I am. Since I decided I had to stop lying to myself, I realized I really didn't know myself very well. I remember watching "Runaway Bride" and thinking proudly, "Ha! I know what kind of eggs I like: Sunny-side over on toast!" Great. I'm allergic to eggs. So this information is pretty useless. When I stopped lying to myself I realized there were a world of things I'd never tried, so how could I possibly know if I liked them or not? I'm still exploring the world. But I have to be very careful, because there are still moments when that knee-jerk reaction kicks in, and I stop and ask myself, "Is that really what I think? Is that really what I believe?" If I do or I don't, why?

Being honest with yourself is tough, no doubt about it. But it's impossible to be honest with others if you aren't, because on some level you will be lying. So, I'm working not lying to myself. I'm endeavoring to discover what I think, what I believe, and what I feel about what I think and believe. Definitely an adventure.