Carpe diem... Happy Halloween!

The other night, as I watched the Rangers playing the Cardinals, I was also working on a project. The Rangers had increased their lead from tied to 5 to 4. In a sudden flash, I glanced behind me, at the bed my dog slept on for years, and expected to see her there.

NASCAR ~ Sprint Cup in Martinsville, short track. Carl ended up on the pole. One of the in-car cameras was Carl's! Again!! Whoohoo! I love watching the race from his point of view. :-) Carl came in ninth. Not bad, especially at Martinsville. Tony Stewart won; I can live with that. :-) And in the Chase for the Sprint Cup Championship, Carl is still #1!! WHOOHOO!! GO CARL!!

~Laundry
~Reading
~Project
~Will I be able to make my new schedule work?

And this picture seemed appropriate for Halloween:





Done. Whoohoo.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #75

~Third Day God of Wonders

~Thanks to Meg and her advice to let bread rise, punch down and knead, rise, punch down and knead, rise, shape, rise, bake. That extra rise did amazing things to my bread.

~I don't know what I'd do without my wonderful, supportive friends. They enrich my life, sharing my joy and easing my fears and sorrows.

~Those amazing people who share their faith and courage, strengthening and inspiring me.

~Cooler weather! A very good thing.

My Heroes... Police...

A few things happened this week that reminded me of how hard the police work, and how dangerous their job is. A few days ago, an officer knocked on the door. I don't usually open the door to strangers. The peephole doesn't give a great view, so I could only see that there was a person there. I didn't know it was an officer until he walked past the front window. I opened the door. He was checking to make sure everything was all right. There'd been a burglary down the street. They hadn't caught the suspect. I hadn't seen or heard a thing. I thanked him for doing his job. He was polite and pleasant.

I've watched what happened in Oakland, with the protesters complaining about police brutality. What baffles me is that the protesters admitted to starting the altercation by throwing rocks and glass bottles at the police. The mayor of Oakland is apologizing for the action the police took, to defend themselves. No clubs or bullets were used. They used the least damaging means available to them to protect as many as possible.

A border officer was sentenced to two years in prison for being "too rough." He was arresting a drug trafficker, who refused to obey. If the criminal had obeyed, he wouldn't have been hurt.

It seems as if the criminals have more rights than victims or the officers charged to serve and protect the public. Are there bad officers? Yes. Show me a profession that doesn't have a few bad apples, and I'll show you a profession that's lying to itself.

Tonight, I saw on the news that an officer was shot, and is fighting for his life.* I'm praying for him. May God bless him and all those who choose to honorably protect and serve.

*Update: Officer Brad Jones passed away. I'm praying for his family.

Email I also found on FaceBook...

I looked for the origin of the story when this first came to my attention, but couldn't find it.

A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room
filled with light, and God appeared.

The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a
large rock in front of his cabin.

The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with
all his might...

So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from
sunup to sundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold,
massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might!

Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling
that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan)
decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary
mind. (He will do it every time!)

"You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't
moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was
impossible and that he was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.

Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving
just the minimum effort, and that will be good enough."

That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a
matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting
all my strength to do that which you have asked.

Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a
millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"

The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you
to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done.

Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it.
Your task was to push.

And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you
have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself.

Your arms are strong and muscled, your back shiny and brown;
your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become
massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your
abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, you haven't
moved the rock.

But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your
faith and trust in My wisdom.

That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock.."

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own
intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants
is just simple obedience and faith in Him.

By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that
it is still God Who moves the mountains.

When everything seems to go wrong.................................Just P.U.S.H.

When the job gets you down.............................................Just P.U.S.H.

When people don't do as you think they should.................Just P.U.S.H.

When your money is "gone" and the bills are due..............Just P.U.S.H.

When people just don't understand you............................Just P.U.S.H.

P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens

Pass this on to all your loved ones and friends who may need it,
they may get it just in time.

Though no one can go back and make a **brand new start**,
anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

Week Eighteen of REAL...

The 21st: weigh in: 239.8 lb. Two SEAL puppy reps. Physical therapy, without weights. Slept better last night. Made my favorite chocolate chip cookies.

The 22nd: weigh in: 240.2 lb. Two-mile walk. Two SEAL puppy reps. Physical therapy, with one-pound weights.

The 23rd: weigh in: 242 lb. *pfft* Some days, one wonders if it's worth crawling out of bed. I woke feeling muzzy, overcooked my breakfast, spilled grape juice, trapped a huge roach, and felt scattered brain the whole of the day. I hope tomorrow is better.

The 24th: weigh in: 241.2 lb. One-mile walk. One SEAL puppy rep. PHysical therapy, with one-pound weights. Two more SEAL puppy reps.

The 25th: weigh in 240.8 lb. One SEAL puppy rep. Rained, last night. That explains the scatterbrained problem yesterday. It's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

The 26th: weigh in: 241.8 lb. One SEAL puppy rep. One-mile walk.

The 27th: weigh in: 242 lb. Waist circumference: 40". How discouraging. I'm stuck, it seems. Seeing a friend, today; maybe it will help me re-adjust my thinking. More sleep, I know, would be better, but there's so much going through my head. Actually, I'm lying to myself. I don't feel safe. There we are again, right back where I've been struggling, all my life. I'm working on redefining safe. Perhaps once that's done, I'll be able to start seeing some positive changes.

Truth/Lies... making mistakes...

There was a cutesy sign going round FaceBook, last week. I saw it, and hated it, and couldn't figure out why everyone was cheering it. I also couldn't figure out why I hated it so much. "You never make the same mistake twice, because the second time it's a choice."

I read responses of "Right on!" "Yes!" "This is so true." My first thought was "Someone has an axe to grind." My next thought was "The Truth has no agenda." So what was up with this?

Then it hit me: It is a statement that sets people up to fail.

I've spilled milk more than once, and juice and water and soda pop. So, was the second time, and all the times after that a choice? Excuse me? And yes, I've actually asked the question and been told, "Oh no, that was a new mistake because it wasn't the same milk/juice/water/pop." Whatever.

There are a lot of "mistakes" that were a choice the first time: hitting, name-calling, lying, rape, stealing, cheating, murder... a whole bunch of things are choices, the first time, even though people will excuse them as mistakes. The question is: Will I accept personal responsibility for my actions?

I'm working on it.

Electoral College made easy....

Found in the Constitution
Electoral College - A body of people that elect the president and vice president.
That body of people represent the voters of all 50 states and the District of Columbia.
Each state determines how those people are selected.

Idaho has four, so the people vote for A or B. The majority choose A, so all 4 electoral college votes go to A. Sometimes the popular vote is for B, in one part of the state, but A in the other, and all the votes go to A. In Nebraska, they break up their block of five, via region. How many each state has depends on the population of the state. The larger the state the more electoral votes.

It was created so that states with larger populations did not end up deciding everything for everyone. That being said, all states are not given the same number, which keeps little states from being tyrants. Along the same vein, it isn't wise to allow cities to make all the rules for farming areas, and vice versa. But we do need to figure out how to live together.

Think of itty-bitty Rhode Island next to New York, and city-saturated east and west coasts as opposed to rural middle America.

When the United States was founded it was only because the 13 colonies agreed to work together, but what good was it, if the big states had all the power because they had the most people? So, they created the electoral college. No, it isn't perfect. Nothing in life is. It's better than anything else that's been tried, as flawed as it is.

There is a new hue and cry for popular vote. Does anyone not see the problem with this? American Idol hasn't made it clear? Apparently not.

Over and over again, I hear the complaint that it isn't fair. Guess what... life isn't fair. What I've noticed is that generally when that cry goes up "it isn't fair" it is because the person screaming it wants "fair" according to their definition. I repeat: Life isn't fair.

Following is a link to an article opposed to the National Popular Vote, otherwise known as Electoral College Reform. I happen to agree with it. I worked hard to learn about the electoral college and how it works and why it really does work. In my studies, I discovered that America is NOT a democracy. Thank God, really. It is a Republic. An amazing Republic, if we can keep it.

New Zeal

In Arizona, the Bill is HB 2663

Should this pass:

What this means is that the President of the United States of America will be elected by a popular vote.

What this REALLY means: California and New York will be deciding who the President is from now on.

And how is that fair? ;-P

Carpe diem... NASCAR...

NASCAR ~ No Nationwide this week. Spring Cup Chase - Race Buddy offered their in-car camera and YES! One of the in-cars was Carl's! Whoohoo!! It's fun driving around the track with him. Carl came in 11th. Not bad for Talladega, where the biggest challenge is staying out of a wreck. And Carl is still #1 in the Chase! WHOOHOO!!! GO CARL!!

Plan for the day:
Laundry
Projects

Wow... doesn't look like much, does it?

Another fun picture found on FaceBook:

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #74

~Chris Tomlin Amazing Grace

~Supportive friends who gladly join in prayer requests.

~Miracles.

~Fear and faith. Though I fear I may not be doing my best, it is that fear that keeps me trying, and it is my faith that keeps me from giving up hope.

~Laughter. I've started my Christmas reading list with Barbara Metzger's Christmas Wishes.

My Heroes... Sgt. Maj. Allan J. Kellogg...

I read about him on Facebook on the Marines' page: ‎"During the ensuing fierce engagement, an enemy soldier managed to maneuver through the dense foliage to a position near the Marines, and hurled a hand grenade into their midst which glanced off the chest of G/Sgt. Kellogg. Quick to act, he forced the grenade into the mud in which he was standing, threw himself over the lethal weapon and absorbed the full effects of its detonation with his body thereby preventing serious injury or possible death to several of his fellow Marines." Excerpt from MOH citation for Sgt. Maj. Allan J. Kellogg

In searching for more information, I found Modern American Heroes, a blog by Norman Fulkerson, the author of An American Knight: The Life of Colonel John W. Ripley, USMC. There I read about more. Wow. There are still knights in shining armor. May God bless them and their families.

American Knight is Mr. Fulkerson's website. Modern American Heroes is his blog.

There are days...

I've been a bit distracted of late. I've started a new project, and it's keeping me busy, to say the least. I'm proud of my work. I'm endeavoring to believe in myself. It isn't always easy. But God never said anything about life being easy. I'm okay with that. So, today is something to make me smile:

Week Seventeen of REAL...

The 14th: weigh in: 240.6 lb. One SEAL puppy rep. Not sleeping well.

The 15th: weigh in: 241 lb. One SEAL puppy rep. 2-1/2 mile walk, with my sister. One more SEAL puppy rep. I am learning to be healthy. I don't need to hide anymore. Hiding didn't keep me safe anyway, so the point is...

The 16th: weigh in: 240.2 lb. I don't need to hide, and I am learning to be healthy in every way.

The 17th: weigh in: 239.4 lb. One SEAL puppy rep. One-mile walk. I don't need to hide. I'm learning to be healthy. I'm learning to feel safe. One more SEAL puppy rep.

The 18th: weigh in 240.2 lb. One SEAL puppy rep.

The 19th: weigh in: 240.2 lb. One SEAL puppy rep. One-mile walk. One more SEAL puppy rep. Physical therapy, without weights. Unfortunately, I was eating to stay awake, today. Not good. It's going to show up on the scale tomorrow. Sigh.

The 20th: weigh in: 240.8 lb. Waist circumference: 40". One SEAL puppy rep. Deep breath. Don't lose hope. I'm learning to be healthy. I don't need to hide to keep myself safe, because hiding doesn't work, so I might as well save myself the extra work.

My new habits are trying to set the new ground rules. Fortunately, old dogs can learn new tricks. Found this on Facebook:

Self Motivation...

How to be self-motivated: It isn't easy.

I always saw myself as lazy and unmotivated. Studying was difficult. Sticking to anything was difficult. Then I worked for the airlines, in reservations. Imagine 400 calls, on hold. I would work a 12-hour day, and there would still be calls on hold. I was one of several hundred agents working, in four centers. Dragging my feet did not make it better. Working as hard as I could did not make it better. The first made me feel guilty, and the latter wore me out. I learned about pacing.

I learned that I am not lazy. I started taking classes again, one or two a year, whatever took my fancy.

As I had been, all my life, I was struggling with my weight. I met someone I liked, a lot. Still in lying mode, I pretended he liked me, too. I was hopeful. I lost 30 lb in 3 months, but I was 10 lb more than the suggested weight. I was exercising and watching every bite that went into my mouth. I couldn't lose those last 10 lb. I lost 3 lb by eating every other day. Yes, you read that right. I ate every other day for about two weeks. Dumb as a box of rocks.

I did manage to figure out how stupid that was on my own. I also learned that I was capable of making a plan and following through, problem-solving as I went along. I also learned that I could be incredibly self-disciplined. I applied it to school. I had finally learned how to tackle school and more particularly homework. I never again put off doing homework. As soon as an assignment came in, I started it. I knew I needed extra time for everything, because I usually don't grasp anything right off. I have to work it through, step by step, several times. That being said, once I've figured it out it's mine, and I own it.

So, here I am tackling REAL. I spent a lot of time turning over in my mind why I could lose 30 lb in 3 months, and now I can't. Age aside (and yes, I realize that's a significant factor, but it isn't the one holding me captive), I realized that the major difference is I thought I would be safe soon. I discovered how wrong I was.

I stopped believing I would ever be safe. This past week, I came to realize that I need to redefine safe.

Back to self-motivation. When you grow up receiving little guidance, except "Do what you think is right" (with the underlying message that you should know what that is without being told), if you don't push yourself you go nowhere. I spent much of my life afraid to make a decision for fear of making the wrong decision. I had occasional bursts, but nothing that would last. Then I decided to become a medical transcriptionist. I type medical records, with a 24-hour turn around. There was no room for "I don't feel like it." Or "I don't feel good." I had days when I would type for 15 minutes and lay down until I felt well enough to type for 15 more minutes, until I finished. There were nights when I typed until two or three in the morning. It had to be done.

Now, I'm trying to take the same attitude toward my weight loss battle. It's tough, because the accountability is only to myself. Gradually, I'm learning to be my own boss in every way. REAL is my way of being accountable to myself. It is helping. I know, my weight is the same, but you see that's success. I haven't gone back up to over 250 lb. I've lost over 10 lb, and I'm maintaining that weight loss.

I needed to be accountable to myself. REAL is how I am teaching myself to be accountable to me.

Moderation...

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23 KJV

On the surface, that sounds like a smooth glass surface, waveless, flawless, perfect. That being said, it wasn't Jesus who was bothered by the storm, it was His disciples. He was the calm in the midst of the storm. Before I find myself falling into the belief that I must always be calm, I remember that Jesus used a whip He had braided to protest the misuse of the temple. He turned over tables. He chose his battles. For the most part, His actions were peaceful, but He recognized the need to stand and fight.

I have spent my life being criticized for being too sensitive, too passionate, too reserved, too untouchable, too fill-in-the-blank. The pendulum would swing first one way and then the other. It wasn't me who changed; it was the expectations of others, depending on what they needed from me. It was hunky-dory if my enthusiasm was backing their agenda. I was unreasonable and unkind if my views differed from the expected.

It's safer to be quiet, to go with the flow, to not make waves. Is that truly the kind of safe I want for myself?

So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. - Revelations 3:16 KJV

I have strong political views, strong religious views, strong personal views.... I'm opinionated; I admit it. I know what I like and what I don't like. And I'm willing to admit when I don't know. All that being said, I'm endeavoring to learn what fights are worth fighting, and what fights need to be turned over to someone else. Choosing my battles is not being wishy-washy or passive or even complicit. I spent so much time trying to fight every battle that crossed my path without realizing that things that mattered to me were being buried by the fallout.

What I didn't realize is that some of those battles were a distraction. I'm learning that this is another aspect of boundaries. As I establish healthy boundaries, the battles I want to fight become clearer. I never expected that to be one of the ramifications.

Carpe diem... we'll see...

Today's plan:

Laundry
Projects
Read

Andrew has been moved from ICU, and is doing much better than expected. Prayers continuing.

Did it.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #73

~MercyMe I Can Only Imagine

~Good books.

~Dear friends.

~Opportunities, big and small, to be a blessing.

~Laughter.

NASCAR ~ Nationwide ~ Carl won!! WHOOHOO!! Love the backflip! Sprint Cup ~ Televised! Whoohoo!! Carl came in third! And is still first in the Championship race. WHOOHOO!!!!!

My Heroes... A, B, D, M and more...

My friend emailed me about Andrew, who was seriously injured in Afghanistan, earlier this month. He was flown home to the U.S., where he is currently in ICU. His family (wife, his parents, siblings, and wife's parents) have flown to be with him. A prayer request has gone out regarding his injuries and the problems he was having with infections, and I immediately offered a prayer for him, and added him and his family to my prayer list. I hoped that the little I could offer would lift them in their time of need. Their updates relay the hope and faith and love that fills them and sees them through the long, difficult days and nights. They have lifted me. Their strength and courage and faith are inspiring.

They mentioned three other wounded warriors in the same ICU, Doug, Brett, and Mark, also with severe injuries. All the families would appreciate prayers on their behalf.

I pray that God sends angels to comfort them and strengthen them and encourage them and that these courageous men and their families are blessed with miracles.

Some have given all. There are so many brave souls who haven't been required to give all, but have been required to give more than many of us would be willing to give. May God bless our military men and women and their families.



(I have kept this brief in the interest of preserving privacy, a fine line to walk.)

Need some perspective?

You Tube

Then I remind myself that God is aware of me, wants to help me, and loves me.

Week Sixteen of REAL...

The 7th: weigh in: 241.2 lb. Two SEAL puppy reps. Power outages does not make for restful sleep. I wish I could be like one of our Founding Fathers, Dr. Benjamin Rush. He felt like he was wasting time when he slept four hours every night. I am learning to be healthy. I don't need to hide. Physical therapy, without weights.

The 8th: weigh in: 241.6 lb. Woke at one in the morning, again. It's become a habit. A bad habit. Walked a mile with my sister.

The 9th: weigh in: 242.6 lb. Am I stressed? Definitely. 3k walk, plus lots more, with my sister. Race for the Cure is always an amazing experience. All those people hoping for a cure for breast cancer, most because they have either lost someone to breast cancer or know someone who has had it. I'm tired, in a good way.

The 10th: weigh in: 242.2 lb. Did anyone manage to see the license plate of that truck that hit me? That's what I feel like, today. Blessedly, I know it won't last. In a few days, I'll be feeling better again.

The 11th: weigh in 240.8 lb. One SEAL puppy rep, which was pretty good considering how I'm feeling. My sister and I had planned on going for a walk, but I definitely wasn't up to it. We did have a good chat, while she helped me pick up my work. Thanks!

The 12th: weigh in: 241.2 lb. One SEAL puppy rep. My shoulders are still a bit stiff from carrying my water in a backpack at Race for the Cure. I'm not eating healthy, today. I am not feeling safe, not even a little bit.

The 13th: weigh in: 239 lb. Waist circumference: 40". "I'm fighting to be healthy. I will not hide anymore, because hiding never kept me safe." One SEAL puppy rep. One-mile walk, with my sister. It's fun when she's on vacation. :-)

I choose to be a whale!

On Facebook, I saw a post that made me stop and think, and cheer. I don't actually want to be a whale, but I'm not going to worry so much about the scale. I'm still weighing, every day. It's my way of remaining aware. Someday, I hope I don't have to step on the scale anymore, but for now, it helps to remind me that what I hope for is to be healthy, in every aspect of my life.

It also "forced" me to take a close look at what I've been doing to myself. Lying. Well, darn. And I quote: "I'm healthy. I don't need to hide. I'm safe."

I'm healthy ~ I'm not, but I'm working on learning how to be healthy. So, I'm learning to be healthy.

I don't need to hide ~ Well, that's true, to a degree. I'll let myself keep that one. I don't need to hide.

I'm safe ~ I'm not. I'm really not. Safe is such a huge concept for someone who didn't grow up in it. So, that one can't stay.

I searched the internet for more information about the post, and found this link. Love it! And decided to share it. http://ichooselove.com/in-the-face-of-real-beauty/

Whom do I trust....

Interesting question.

Being an abuse survivor, trust does not come easily, if it comes at all. That being said, my first thought was, “God.” Then I had to be honest with myself that I don’t entirely trust God. That is to say, I don’t trust myself to always hear God’s inspiration, and I certainly don’t always trust what He has in store for me. Some part of me believes that He will see me though. He knows that; I have to trust.

An abuse survivor knows that help does not always come in time. I had to come to terms with not having been protected, and a terrible price paid: Loss of trust. Loss of trust in God, in others, in myself.

It has only been the last few years that I have come to terms with the fact that God’s idea of saving me does not coincide with my idea. God sees struggles differently than I do. I worry about whether or not I am strong enough, but God knows and wants me to figure out for myself what I will do with what happens to me. Will I allow Him to heal me and take me in directions I can’t even imagine, or will I lament my lack of understanding, and focus on my failings? The latter is easier, and in some ways not as scary. God’s ways are not the easy ways.

Trusting God is not something that simply happens. It takes work, and effort. I test God, often. I know there are those who would condemn me, but they aren't my judge; God is. My relationship with God is between Him and me. And I know He is willing to do whatever is necessary, whatever it takes, to see me through the difficulties that will make me stronger and bring me closer to Him, bring me Home, if I am willing to be courageous and fight for our relationship.

Whenever I want to whine about how difficult it is, thoughts of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ being unfairly tried, Christ being beaten, Christ being hung on the cross for crimes He did not commit tend to shut me up. That isn't to say that I turn all Miss Merry Sunshine and everything is wonderful. Instead, I allow myself to recognize that life is painful, but that isn't a bad thing. I wouldn't call it a good thing, either, but it's important to recognize the difference between good and evil. Many bad things aren't evil. Having seen the face of evil, I know there's a difference. In the world, today, there is a trend toward pretending that there is no evil. The adversary must laugh with glee. Evil is real.

God will win. I trust that.

Everyday, I endeavor to choose God's side. Overall, I think I'm successful in that. Not perfect, but I've never claimed to be perfect. I'm not even trying to be perfect; I'm trying to be a blessing. I don't think perfection, except as it is in God, is a blessing to anyone.

God has blessed me with some amazing friends, whom I trust. The trust did not come easily. There are lots of other people I don't trust. Trust is not a right, but a privilege. Trust must be earned. Even God doesn't expect blind trust: John 7:17 "If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God..."

And no, I don’t entirely trust myself. I was repeatedly taught to question myself, unmercifully. It has taken a lot of work and effort to regain my trust in myself. Interestingly enough, I’m discovering that as my trust in God increases, so does my trust in myself. I am His.

Carpe diem... NASCAR too...

NASCAR ~ Nationwide race Carl came in second. Yay! Sprint Cup race: Race Buddy once again had an in-car camera in Carl's car!! Whoohoo! Love it! And he finished fifth! Top five is a good finish. Carl is still tied for first in the race for the championship! Go Carl!! Cool... Carl thanked his team and the support of his fans on Facebook. Fun. :-)

Plans for the day:
~Rest
~Projects
~Reading


And in celebration of fall and the need for warm feet:

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #72

~My sister is a 10-year survivor.

~Participating in the Race for the Cure with my sister.

~Time alone.

~Rain.

~Cooler weather.

The high school reunion is almost over. I didn't attend. There were lots of reasons and rationalizations. Some truer than others. As I looked at the pictures that were posted, I felt the anxiety rise. I didn't recognize anyone at first. Then I saw a few faces I could put a name to, but I couldn't think of a single event in which we had interacted. Not one. Not that there hadn't been any, but I simply didn't remember much of anything but brief flashes, most of which didn't make much sense. It was time to be honest with myself.

I had been taught to be a chameleon, blend in, don't draw attention to yourself, be what "they" need you to be, no matter what. Now that I've given up the role, it's difficult to recall all the intricate and not-so intricate details required to play that role.

My indecision was based in the desire to please the friends who wanted to see me, and my own curiosity, versus the reality that I couldn't afford it, and I would find myself thrown into a stressful social situation I did not know how to navigate. I saw the venues in the pictures and realized that my slight hearing loss would have been enough to isolate me, because it would have been incredibly difficult to hear anyone. I would have been back in the lies, nodding and laughing at things I hadn't actually heard. And there I'd be back playing the role of chameleon. It isn't a role I choose to play anymore.

My Heroes... I Am Second...

One of the 9/11 accounts, from the Pentagon. If you can bear it, this is worth reading:
I Am Second

How do you know...

...God is watching out for you?

I did laundry the other day. I usually leave it out all day to dry. Around noon, I thought, "You need to check and see if it's dry so you can bring it in." I thought one of the t-shirts was damp, but checked it again after gathering everything else. It was dry, so everything came in. Two hours later, a dust storm blew through. My clean clothes were already put away.

I mentioned the other day that the power went out for five minutes, and I didn't handle it well. It went out again, right after midnight. I woke up. Turned off my computer and unplugged it along with the modem and the television. I also turned off the A/C. I then called the electric company. A recorded message informed me that the power would be out approximately 2-1/2 hours. Ugh. Please God, no. Then I called my sister. Bless her. She talked to me for an hour. She needed sleep. We hung up. I grabbed a book, and not five minutes later, the power was back. I'd enjoyed having the door open to the cool night air and the chat. Thanks God for taking care of me.

Week Fifteen of REAL...

The 30th: weigh in: 239.8 lb. I'm healthy. I don't need to hide. I'm safe.

New month of October:

The 1st: weigh in: 239 lb. I am healthy. I don't need to hide. Two-mile walk.

The 2nd: weigh in: 239.8 lb. I am healthy. I don't need to hide. I am safe. Dear God. Help me to be a blessing to others. Family dinner I managed to avoid some of the foods that turn my tummy inside out. Did not successfully avoid the yummy Boston Cream Cake for desert. One slice would have been okay. Then it was brought to the table, and I ignored self-control/self-discipline and took another little slice and another little slice and another little slice. I'm disappointed in myself. Starting over, tomorrow.

The 3rd: weigh in: 240.6 lb. One-mile walk. Two SEAL puppy reps. I've discovered that boys' pushups are too difficult for my back. Girls pushups challenge me but don't bother my back. Live and learn. Made bread.

The 4th: weigh in 241.2 lb. Made biscotti. Yahoo had an article on weight loss where I learned about things I have no control over and not much over the things I do. They recommend that if you're sleeping less than 7-8 hours a night, then doctors will recommend more sleep before anything else. I sleep 5 hours, if I'm lucky. Last night, power went out for a minute before 2 am, but it woke me for the next hour trying to calm down. I have an electronic device that beeps when the power goes out, and one that alerts me when the power comes back on. The beeping is worse than an alarm clock. I actually have an internal clock that works better than an alarm clock, which is why the middle of the night thing sent my adrenaline through the roof. Fear rushed through: Let my computer be okay. What do I have to do? (call electric company) I can't sleep if I'm too warm. No A/C. No fan. Fortunately, it was only off for about a minute. Long enough for the questions to zip through my brain but not long enough for me to get up and do anything. That being said, clocks had to be reset. That helped calm me a bit, though I needed another half hour after that before I was able to turn off my light and go to sleep again.

The 5th: weigh in: 240.6 lb. One-mile walk. Two SEAL puppy reps. I woke up a half hour before my alarm clock. Sigh. I baked my favorite cookies.

The 6th: weigh in: 240.2 lb. Waist circumference: 40". I've had a terrible time sleeping. And something I ate yesterday day did not agree with me. Hate when that happens. Leaves me feeling weak, and wishing I could spend the day in bed, except it wouldn't help. Hopefully, it's over now. I have a good day planned, and I'm going to enjoy it.

Wow....

Sometimes it's good to be reminded of what an amazing world we live in.

http://vimeo.com/dustinfarrell/landscapes2

My Christmas cactus is blooming.

Something mentioned elsewhere...

Over at The Hardest Battle, Kiki is sharing the revealing of her true self. It's wonderfully exciting and makes me smile and want to cheer. I wanted to address something she said, but didn't want to put it in my comment, because I wanted that to be pure joy and celebration. So, I decided to mention it here.

Growing up, I was little-miss-must-do-everything-right. I didn't smoke, drink, or wear outrageous clothes. I corrected my father's swearing, including words like damn. Then I owned a horse.

My horse was gregarious and treacherous. I was blessed with his company for five years. He did things like spooking at nothing, to see if he could unseat me. When I cleaned his hooves, whichever hoof I was cleaning (you have to pick it up to clean out the dirt in case there's a rock imbedded) he would start to lean against me. I had to clean his stall, every day. I was in therapy for the second time, when he came into my possession. Within months, I was out of therapy. I joked about having 1,000 lb of therapy, every day; anything more was overkill. (He was actually cheaper than therapy.) I developed my own little saying that saw me through more days than I can count: "When you start the day shoveling shit, nothing worse can happen the rest of the day."

My favorite Winston Churchill quote: “There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.”

Which reminds me of another favorite quote by Groucho Marx: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Carpe diem... yes... and NASCAR...

NASCAR ~ Nationwide race: Carl Edwards came in first!! WHOOHOO!!! GO CARL!!! Spring Cup: Race Buddy once again offered their service free, so I was able to watch the race on mosaic, with a leader board, and the position tracker on Carl. Carl came in third. Whoohoo!! He is tied for first in the Sprint Cup! WHOOHOO!!!!!!!!

Plan for the day:
~Make bread
~Laundry
~Projects
~A bit of cleaning
~Make pancakes
~Enjoy pancakes with the yummy peach jam my friend shared with me.

My friend who had planned to stop by on Monday, stopped by on Sunday instead. It was delightful.

We'll see how today goes.

~Saw cousin off - it was fun visiting
~Made bread
~Ate yummy bread with yummy fresh peaches
~Worked on project and worked on project and worked on project... Thanks ((Mary)) Bless you!

Everything else will be done, but not today.

Stick a fork in me; I'm done.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #71

An acquaintance on Facebook reminded me of how much I love music, and I found myself sucked into the world of You Tube. I don't go there often, for a reason. I could be lost for days. :-) These were a few of my favorite Casting Crowns videos. Yes, there are two Voice of Truth; I liked them both, and decided I didn't have to choose.

~Casting Crowns I Am Yours

~Casting Crowns Praise You In This Storm

~Casting Crowns Voice of Truth with scenes from Facing the Giants

~Casting Crowns Voice of Truth

~Casting Crowns Lifesong

My Heroes... Benjamin Netanyahu

I've been following Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel for a while now. My childhood friend taught me a love of the Jews and of Israel. She lived in Israel, one year, and came home and told me all about it. I was in awe of her, and her courage. As the years passed, whenever I heard things about Israel from the media, I'd call her and arrange a time to meet, and we'd talk about what was the media slant and what was the truth. She could give specific examples of media lies because she had been there. I understood. I lived in Thailand, and my brother lived in Korea, and things happened in both places that were reported with an astonishingly inaccurate slant by the media. I chose Benjamin Netanyahu, this week, as one of my heroes after i read and heard his speech at the U.N. I don't want his job. Not ever. I am amazed by his courage, his strength, his clarity. He is standing where he needs to stand. I want to be that brave.