Light in the darkness and reading list #14

I finished the Bucket book, and was pleased to realize how much I do right. That being said, God blessed me with an eye opener. A friend had sent me an email titled "Bitchology." I laughed and shared it with several friends. One wrote back that she laughed at first and then found herself more and more offended. She has a gift for words, putting things simply and yet eloquently and succinctly. As I read, at first I felt chastised, and then realized I could feel badly about it or I could shut up and buck up and admit she was right. Yep, she was right. All my life, I have tried to pretend that if I think of an unkind label in a different light it somehow changes the meaning. As my friend pointed out, thinking of it in a different light does not change the fact that I have accepted the label assigned to me. What? How did that happen? Why did I let it happen? Not just a little flickering flame in the darkness but a serious bolt of lightening making the night as bright as day. No more. Add to this the realization that I have to stop being the mean boss, and as God is wont to do, He has blended several threads all at once to make a cohesive whole of beauty and understanding. Awesome. It is time to think of myself kindly, with love and encouragement. Does that imply that I no longer recognize my shortcomings? Of course not.

As an example, I know I'm overweight, but labeling myself fat does not make it better; saying so isn't enlightening. I know this. I know what to do to change it, sort of; I'm learning anyway. Having someone point it out suggests I'm too stupid to figure it out on my own. I'm not. I get it. Telling me what to do to make it right is more likely to push me in the opposite direction, largely because my dietary needs are unusual. Telling me what I should do is counterproductive. Don't should on me. (Thanks to my counselor for that little gem.) It only makes me cranky because I know, and to be honest, I'm pretty frustrated with myself. I know that feeling safe helps. I know that feeling at peace with myself helps. I know that when I feel good enough that I'm eating right and sleeping like I should and exercising, weight melts off. That being said, my biggest enemy to weight loss is stress. My negative tape turn on so automatically it doesn't even take a specific event to trigger it. And there I am feeling like a hamster in a wheel, going nowhere fast.

Do I believe that I'll never label myself again? Nope. I've spent all my life forming and honing my habits, but now that I am able to make a conscious decision I know it won't take me years to release those unwanted habits. Focusing on Faith, Hope, and Charity has been making gradual changes in the way I think in general. Today's revelation is a bit of long-overdue fine-tuning, but in God's perfect timing I was finally ready to hear it, and He blessed me with an angel friend to deliver the message. I haven't the faintest idea how long it will take to establish permanent change. It may take a lifetime, but there is an undeniable pleasure in knowing that the change is finally occurring.

A Just-Because-It's-Tuesday gift showed up, today, a book I wanted but couldn't convince myself to pay for. SEALed With a Kiss, book 1, by Mary Margret Daughtridge. What a delightful surprise, from another angel friend! Thanks ((Mary))

Experimenting with food: Tried the regular Idahoan instant potatoes, using only water, instead of the recommended butter and milk. Bland, really, really bland, live-and-learn and never-do-again bland. The flavored varieties require only water, so I'll be sticking with those. Real potatoes of course are better, but this is food storage I'm exploring. When cans of wheat are useless one learns to be flexible and adapt.