Searches, inside and out...

I find it interesting that this whole upheaval with the TSA is coinciding with some upheaval in my own life. More to the point, it seems almost as if it is an outward reflection of what is happening on the inside of me. I've traveled once or twice a year since 9/11, usually to L.A., but I've also been to Florida, Texas, and Kentucky, via Tennessee. My general impression of the TSA has been that they are doing their job and pretty much leave me alone because I'm pretty innocuous. Really. Some of the TSA agents have been unapproachable, and sometimes even curt or crabby, but I'm more than willing to cut them some slack, as I hope others do me when I'm having a bad day. They may be that way all the time, but that isn't my concern. That being said, quite a few of them have made my travel more pleasant by their helpful attitude and friendliness. For example, I'd forgotten to take off my watch before going through the metal detector. I apologized as I fumbled to get it off, holding up the line. The guy laughed and reassured me it was all right. Life happens. That was two years ago, and I still remember. I felt like we were on the same side.

Fast forward. I'm nervous about my next flight. What will I do? I already know I'll opt out. In addition to believing my body is my own, not the governments, and the fact that the government has lied about the scanners on so many levels it's creepy, there is also the fact that cancer runs in the family, including skin cancer, which is the one that many scientists are warning about with the new scanners. I do also realize that for the most part, the TSA agents aren't real thrilled about the pat-downs either. There are always a few unsavory sort, no matter where you go. Fact of life. I would like to invoke my Fourth Amendment rights. I don't know how that will go over. We'll see what the next months bring. In the event that the government requires the TSA agent to violate that right, what will I do?

Viktor Frankl, a concentration camp survivor said, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

I haven't the power to change the government, but I have the power to change myself. Accepting does not mean rolling over and being a doormat. It never did. Abusers would have you believe that, and that is what this government has become, abusers of the power they wield. They cannot shame me or embarrass me if I choose not to accept the guilt trip they seem to want to inflict. I've had people try to embarrass me, and it's quite the sight to see when I refuse to respond in the manner expected.

This is what has been culminating. Coming into a sense of acceptance of who and what I am. Knowing that all my dreams and hopes have had to change over the years, but I'm not a failure because my life didn't follow my plans or the plans others created for me. All along, God had a plan for me. Many of the paths I followed, that I hoped would lead me where I wanted to go, were, in fact, leading me where God wanted me to go. Do I feel like a failure sometimes? Actually, often. I'm still struggling to let go of dreams, good dreams, dreams that cannot be. Not because God doesn't love me but because He does. In my head, I know God's plans are always better than mine. Always. But when you believe that your plans are God's plans, and then finally realize they're not, it isn't difficult to imagine that trust takes a hit. Not so much trust in God, but trust in one's self and the ability to listen and follow God.

So now we're back to where I am now. Learning to trust God is much more about learning to trust myself. God is all powerful, all knowing, everything that is good and right. I, however, am flawed, imperfect, a sinner. And yet God loves me. God knows my fears and concerns. I don't believe for a moment that what the government is doing now is inspired by God. The government has strayed frighteningly far from the Constitution, a God-inspired document. God help them.

What will I do? I pray I find the courage to start singing Amazing Grace, to remind me I am God's no matter what anyone does to me.

Today's Bible verse: John 11:35 "Jesus wept."