Why people lie...

My niece was complaining about people who fake it, and how frustrating it is trying to deal with them. Her thoughts prompted me to explore the question of why people lie. When I started my third round of therapy, five years ago, it was terribly unsettling to learn that I lied so often and so well. It was particularly difficult to accept because I'd been told I could be read like a book and that I was very transparent, and yet the people telling me this would then prove that they didn't know me at all.

So without further ado, a few of the reasons people say things like "I'm fine" regardless of how they are and other lies:

1) Remember the mantra FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT?

2) "I'm FINE ~ (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional or Finally, I'm Not Emotional)." Either I don't believe you really want to know because a) you don't have time or b) you really DON'T want to know. Or I don't really want to share because a) I don't have time or b) I really don't want to talk about it, but I can't simply say nothing.

3) Don't want to hurt feelings.

4) Don't really know, and really don't want to figure it out at the moment, either, because there's a) no time or b) really don't want to know because if I know then A) I have to do something about it or B) lie to myself, again, and do nothing.

5) Habit.

6) Fear.

7) Trust issues (and yes this is different from straight outright fear). This could probably be a subheading under Fear, but I think it deserves it's own heading. It's a much more personal perspective.

8) There's a reason why Runaway Bride was popular, and it wasn't simply because of Julie Roberts and Richard Gere.

9) We lie because we want to fit in.

10) And I've lied to keep a secret that was not mine to tell, without a shred of guilt.

11) Probably the first lie: TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.

At least, these are some of the reasons I lie, though I'm truly endeavoring to recognize the lies and be honest about when and why I use them. There are times, I believe, when a lie is kinder. My favorite example is your best friend eagerly asks you if the hideous dress she just blew all her money on is pretty. She's thrilled with it; you hate it. Do you tell her the truth or lie? First you have ask yourself is what you're about to say really the truth or only your opinion. Your opinion is just that an OPINION, not necessarily the TRUTH. So, sometimes it's best to keep your opinion to yourself and give a feeling-sparing lie. You're so happy for her.

Actual experience: I was in a dress shop and the saleswoman showed me this red and black dress that I thought was the ugliest thing I'd ever seen. I didn't hide my opinion. Everyone who ever saw it on the hanger all agreed it was ugly. She encouraged me to try it on anyway, assuring me that it did look terrible on the hanger, but I'd love it. Sure, sure. I rolled my eyes. Really. And tried it on. It took my breath away. She was absolutely right! It was precisely my style and fit perfectly, showing my figure to the best advantage, as well as right for my coloring. I wore it for years and received compliments every time. I wanted to cry when I realized I really needed to let it go because it was wearing out. And I've never found another dress like it. I miss that dress, but I've always remembered the lesson I learned from it: It's good to question, and trusting an expert can be truly rewarding. :-)