Forgiveness

In another blog, the question was asked about how does one go about forgiving? It was a great question. Another blogger posted that there's a book out there titled Choose to Forgive. I'll be adding it to my TBR (To Be Read) pile. But I admit that I wanted something right now. In trying to sort through some struggles of my own with the subject, I found myself finally able to put into words some thoughts I've been developing on the subject. I felt bad using so much of her blog that I kept it as short as possible. Now, I'm in mine, and I'm allowed to write as much as I want.

Over and over, I'd heard it stated, and come to understand for myself, that forgiveness isn't about the other person that hurt me; it's about me. It's about me turning over the hurt, bitterness, and pain to God, and letting God take care of it. Now, that doesn't mean that I sit and wait for God to dish out revenge on my behalf, though I've been tempted, from time to time. That isn't forgiveness; that's still wanting to even the score. I've been reminded by others that I need to forgive and forget. But if I forget, what will I have learned?

First, I had to learn that forgiveness and trust are not interchangeable. It is possible and sometimes highly advisable to forgive but not trust a person. Remember, forgiveness is about me, not them. They may or may not change. Making sure they change is not my responsibility. It is my responsibility to take care of myself, to not to place myself in situations that put me at risk. For myself, I feel like someone who expects me to put myself in a position to be hurt is not only sadistic but they expect me to be masochistic. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Fine, I "get" that. So why does it seem to be taking so long? I'm not perfect. Sometimes, it's difficult to turn it all over to God. He has His own way and time to do things, and I freely confess that I don't "get" that. He is all powerful, all knowing, and all everything for a reason, and I'm not. I'm okay with that. I'm glad He is because it means He "gets" what I struggle with, and blessedly, He is willing to keep working with me, no matter what.

Then came today's question, and something else occurred to me. Part of forgiving them is forgiving me, and sometimes it isn't about forgiving but about grieving. Grieving the loss of all that I had hoped for the relationship, grieving the loss of feeling safe with that person, grieving the loss of faith in myself, in my ability to protect my own boundaries. Grieving that I thought I understood someone and then learning that I don't, and then realizing that I don't want to because what they value doesn't fit with my code of ethics or my values or maybe it did at one time and doesn't any longer because people change.

Then again, sometimes, I'm in such a hurry to get it over with - forgive and move on - grieve and move on - because I don't want to hurt anymore. I forget to take the opportunity to truly accept what God has placed before me, an opportunity to grow, to develop a deeper understanding of myself, to gain a new perspective, to become a better person because forgiveness isn't about them, it's about me. It's about turning to my Savior and admitting that I can't do it. He has to do this. Only He can do this. This is why He suffered in Gethsemane: For Me. So forgiveness would work for me.