Hope... maybe not, but maybe...

God has a way of opening my eyes at the most unexpected times. I sat here this morning enjoying one of the daily pics on my iGoogle page: A dog lounging on a couch. Memories of my baby dog flooded back, as I noticed the white around the nose. I glanced at one of my pictures thinking my sweetie had a lot more white. Then I remembered vividly that last day. I went shopping for dog food because I was determined to be hopeful that we still had a little more time. If I could do it all over again, I would have stayed home and spent the time with her. How have I responded to what happened? Endeavored to sever hope from my life. What's the point? If I hadn't been trying to play at being optimistic, I would have better memories of that retched day. I have so many regrets in my life, and this seemed one of the biggest because it wasn't because I'd done something wrong, but I'd been trying to do something right. I've become very good at squashing my own hope, but I do try not to squash other people's hope. I've hoped for so many things that were never realized, will never be realized, cannot be realized. I bristle at the "dream big" ideology every time someone throws it at me. I did, and I fumbled the ball, over and over and over. What I can say in my defense is that no matter how many times I was pushed into the mud, I never stayed there. Marvin J. Ashton said something in a talk, years ago, that I still remember. I tried to find the quote but couldn't, but here's how I remember it: "There comes a time in every life when nothing works and it's time to bring out the big guns: Hope." His perception influenced mine, especially as to why I could never manage to completely cut hope out of my life. Hope is like Morning Glory. No matter how much you try to pull it out, cut it out, poison it, it keeps coming back. I know there are those who are horrified at the thought of ridding one's yard of Morning Glory. They haven't had it in the garden, pushing out the peas you're trying to grow. Morning Glory can be ratified, by sterilizing the ground. Of course, nothing else can grow either. I'm sure hope can be ratified, too, by choosing darkness over light. That being said, Hope is not something we create within ourselves; hope is a God-given gift, and as long as we are endeavoring to choose God, He will keep throwing Hope into our lives, whether we want it or not. It is part of who He is, and He cannot help but share it. I'm still wary of Hope, but understanding it's source is God, not me, helps me realize that understanding is not a requirement; accepting is.