HEA or HFN and Respect

Everyone has turning points in their lives. Something that changes them irrevocably. Sometimes those moments can be pinpointed, but often not. I had one such moment, 1 March 2010. I chose to answer a question posed about my romance reading: Did I preferred Happily Ever After or Happy For Now. This was my reply: HEA or not at all. HFN are just sad, on so many levels. No, I've never been blessed with HEA, but I've seen it happen for others, and I'm happy for them. HFN is too much like the life I lived, and it wasn't happy. To live that life required a lack of respect for others and myself, a willingness to use them and allow them to use me. Been there; done that; never going back. I don't think I'm capable of HEA, but I still believe in it, heart and soul. Yes, I'm alone and have been for a long time, but I finally respect myself and that brings a peace that is absolutely priceless.

It was the first time I felt like I honestly respected myself. It was difficult revealing that much of myself, even knowing that it wasn't a big deal to anyone but me, but I've challenged myself to live more honestly, which requires a great deal of vulnerability. It wasn't until I started seeing my currently counselor that I came to realize how much I lied, to protect myself, to protect others, out of habit. Since that unpleasant eye-opener, I've worked relentlessly to think about what I am saying, and am I being honest with myself. When the HEA/HFN question was asked I could have skipped the question, not replying at all, but some part of me knew this was important, to me, to my perception of myself, to greater self-realization. As nervous as I was to push that "publish post" button, there was also a new sense of self. I didn't try to placate or please anyone. I asked myself the question and endeavored to search for a concise answer that would help me understand myself and cut away some of the lies I've always told myself. The answer was true for me, and I thought, "Wow! I'm getting it! I'm changing! I'll never be the same."

Sigh. Then this weekend happened. I attended a reunion and an open house; two completely different groups of people, and an astonishing contrast in my behavior and perceptions and participation. I am able to be honest with myself when I have time to think things through and question every thought, examine it, explore it, and test myself before I have to reveal it to anyone. Editing is a necessity. It's a whole different story when I find myself actually talking to people, and being asked questions. Answers pop out that are automatic. I respond in ways that speak back to my old thoughts and feelings. I don't want others to feel left out. I don't want others to be hurt. I don't want anyone to feel like they're are an outsider. I know what that feels like, and I don't want it for anyone else, even if it means I'm uncomfortable or unhappy or feel used or ignored in order to make someone else feel better. Not very respectful to myself. At least now I am more aware of how deep-seated the behavior is, but how do I change it? Respect for myself demands that I make the decision to change, and follow through.