A bit of fun...

Casting Crowns quote I found on FB:

I used to have a fear of hurdles.

But I got over it.

:)

My two youngest nieces came over for the evening. They watched the NASCAR Sprint Cup with me, as we cheered Carl Edwards, Dale Earnhardt, Jr., and Tony Stewart. We talked about a variety of subjects, and laughed. They're smart and interesting. Their parents are all right, too. ;-D

Validation explosion...

Validation: Validity, in logic, determining whether a statement is true or false; to declare or make legally valid; to mark with an indication of official sanction; assessment of an action, decision, plan, or transaction to establish that it is (1) correct, (2) complete, (3) being implemented (and/or recorded) as intended, and (4) delivering the intended outcome.

Upsi has created a safe place for people to discuss their struggles with dealing with narcissistic personalties. Today, at her site You Don't Have to Dance for Them, a discussion was raised about validation. I replied, and was shocked by how strongly I reacted. I felt like I'd exploded, not in tears or hurt but fury. Hours later, now, I'm able to recognize why I reacted the way I did.

Several things came together, at once: In the article posted earlier this week, validation is part of the equation. Today, I finished reading SEALed Forever by Mary Margret Daughtridge, in which validation plays a significant role in the conflict for both the hero and heroine. And my ongoing journey.

The quoted blogger made the statement that validation was unnecessary. "We never need to justify hurt or turn it into suffering via a perceived need for validation. We only need to act on its motivation heal, correct, and improve."

I re-read the above quote, and I'm irritated all over again. Validating isn't about justifying my hurt; it is about recognizing that I AM hurt and not making it up, as I was repeatedly told. Healing requires acknowledging there is an injury. I lost count, long ago, the number of times I was hit, pinched, belittled, insulted, ignored, and more and told, "That didn't hurt!" "I didn't hit you that hard." "Stop whining." "Stop complaining." "You're blowing it out of proportion." "You're being overly sensitive." "You're letting your imagination run away with you." "You're making it up." "It isn't as bad as you're making it out." "You're such a 'girl'." "No one will believe you." "You have nothing to cry about." "You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about." "You asked for it." "You want to play the poor-is-me game? I'll play it and win."

Needing validation is a part of being human. A baby will cry when they are hungry, tired, or don't feel good: and we validate them by feeding them, rocking them to sleep, or cuddling them when they're cranky. A baby is not seeking justification for crying. They do need to know they are not alone, and someone will meet the needs they cannot because those needs are real and reasonable.

Simply because we've grown up does not mean we're now capable of meeting all our own needs. We are not. Anyone who works, be it in an office, outside, or in the home, they are meeting the needs of someone else. Any time you go to the store, the bank, the post office, make a phone call, use the computer, drive a car, fly, etc, then someone else is meeting your need. Anyone who has a family or friends is meeting the needs for companionship, for self and someone else. It's the way people are made. We spend a remarkable amount of our time dependent on others. This isn't a bad thing. In fact, it's incredibly amazing that we are able to connect the way we do.

Needing validation is not silly or stupid or unreasonable. Being able to validate requires a level of honesty. You have to honestly acknowledge that the feeling/need exists and is real. There are those in my life who will never be able to validate me because it would require acknowledging the lies in their own lives first. I don't anticipate that happening any time soon. However, I have discovered that I don't need their validation that my feelings and needs are reasonable and real. I have found an incredible circle of friends who recognize and acknowledge (thereby validating me) that my feelings and needs are both real and reasonable. Knowing it's real is HUGE. Knowing it's real means I can stop wondering if I'm crazy and start working towards a better solution than the ones that definitely haven't worked in the past, like living in denial.

Are there times when I'm whiney and unreasonable? Absolutely, without a doubt. I also allow myself to be validated that that is also simply being human and not criminal behavior. Undesirable, but not criminal. I'm allowed to have bad days. There is strength in working things through on my own. There is also strength is seeking help and allowing others to lift me, and being allowed to return the favor.

There are plenty of people who are more than willing to live in the lies and pretend like everything is fine. The Emperor's New Clothes sound familiar? Following the logic of the statement above: Then there was no reason for the child to point out that the emperor had no clothes. It was obvious. Validation was unnecessary. However, the point of the story is that sometimes validation is critical in order to move forward in the truth.

I think I'm ready to step down from my soapbox now, at least for today.

Reflecting on the previous post...

Re-reading the article, I'm still endeavoring to wrap my mind around the concepts. I've been working on the self-referencing, without realizing what it was and bumbling about a lot, for as long as I can remember. I was going to say that it has only been in the last few years that I've made a more conscious effort, except that isn't really true. I occasionally make huge breakthroughs, and then spend a lot of time fine-tuning. Reading the article reminded me of a self-reference I haven't yet owned. I'm not sure how. I think I'll give myself more time to mull it over.

Whatever I decide to do with it, I know ties into my freedom referred to in the second inspiration.

I've added Magnificent to my daily routine, morning and evening.

And yes, the SEAL saying makes me laugh. I think of all the times I have tried to run from what's happening to me, when what I need to do is stop running, so that I am able to pay attention to what God wants me to do.

Bits of inspiration...

The Andrew Vachss article You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart was a gobsmack for me and yet familiar, too.

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." ~ Storm photo title.

Magnificent presented by Andie's Isle

SEAL saying: Don't bother running. You'll only die tired.

Carpe diem... odds and ends...

Laundry is done, again.

Chocolate chip cookies made. Yummy! I also did a little experimenting. I bought a dozen eggs at a ridiculously low price and froze them in batches of two. After thawing a couple eggs, I used them in the cookies, and they worked great! Good to know. Freezing eggs at What's Cooking America.

Today, I moved another must-read author to the no list. How to turn me off as a reader, in a New York minute: Tout go green, global warming, carbon footprint, vegan is best, be entirely self-sufficient, and a stupid heroine.

Do I believe in being environmentally friendly? Yes. Do I believe that a lot of the Green ideas are nonsense? Yes. Did you see in the news that those "green" light bulbs cause cancer? But only if you turn them on. Really. It's so stupid I can't help but laugh.

Global warming has been proven wrong. The scientists themselves have admitted that they cooked the books. If they'd done the same thing to your 401K, you would have been screaming when you learned that you didn't have nearly as much money as you thought. Get over it. Move on. Find another cause, like human trafficking, which is real and truly horrific. Carbon footprints go hand in hand with global warming, and are just as invalid. There's a reason the carbon exchange collapsed; it was proven to be a lie. Do you plan on getting rid of your dog because it has twice the carbon footprint of an SUV? Based on a lie. Do you know how many poor communities depend on shipping their funny knick knacks or unique foods to world markets? Creates a huge carbon footprint, which is a lie. So are you going to squash this village for a lie? What? I'm being unfair? Using emotional blackmail? Pot/kettle.

I don't mind if someone chooses to be vegan. Their choice. They have the right to choose it. It isn't an easy lifestyle choice. It's all too easy to end up malnourished. And before you criticize me for eating meat, I suggest you read The Secret Life of Plants. Then we'll talk.

Nor can I express how annoying it is to watch a cooking show that declares that everyone should have their own farm. Have they really thought this through? The logistics alone are insane. What about other jobs that need doing... unless their plan is that no one travels, everyone will be healthy because they decree it, there will be no need for police because everyone will be obedient, they're willing to have their home burn to the ground, next time mother nature sends lighting... what planet are they on? Not this one. People are flawed. Some people enjoy hurting and humiliating others. When the world is perfect, then we'll discuss it. Oh, wait, we won't need to because we'll be perfect.

And finally, there is nothing in a story that makes me want to rant more than a heroine who is being stalked, but she is not going to be dictated to by anyone. Great. You're going to put yourself in harms way, along with anyone with whom you come in contact, so you can prove how prideful you are. No one is allowed to protect you because you are independent to the point of stupidity.

Now, the other side of this "coin." I've read books that present these same issues without ruffling my feathers, except global warming and carbon footprints, which have been proven to be lies. Yes, I'm emphasizing. I'm sick of hearing about it, especially hearing about it still being preached as if it were true. Simply repeating the lie will not make it true. Ever.

Green: Walking a block instead of driving a block. Donating items to charity. Not littering. I'm so glad that smoking is no longer in vogue. It's disgusting to be out walking, and literally everywhere is littered with cigarette butts. What is attractive about that?

Several of my favorite heroines are vegan, but they don't rub anyone's nose in it, and they don't expect everyone to follow their lead. They are not offended that others love meat. They recognize it's a choice. They don't even tout that it's particularly healthy, only that it's their choice. Gotta love someone who takes personal responsibility for their choices, without expecting everyone to do what they do.

Being self-sufficient is a good thing, really, but not everyone lives in a place where it's possible, and pretending otherwise is exactly that: Pretending. A lie. I've done the garden, and it was so discouraging when beetles ate more of the veggies than I did. I do have some blackberries bushes that provide some delicious jam, which I learned how to make, every year, except when the weather heats too fast, which it does from time to time, but not every year, so no it isn't global warming, which is a lie. The important thing is to do what you are able.

And finally, our stalked heroine: She allows the hero to protect her without being milquetoast. She compromises and works with him, instead of behaving like a spoiled brat, who has to have her way. It isn't attractive. Don't think I like stupid men, either, because I don't. The heroine is quite capable of making her own choices; please don't decide for her. It's insulting, not only to her intelligence but to his. I mean, is a hero really attractive if he's interested in someone with an IQ matching her shoe size? Anymore than a woman who's interested in a man who isn't any smarter than said same shoe size? And just for the record: Bickering is not attractive. I've seen some arguments and clashes that were spectacular and worked well in the story, but petty bickering and arguing is exactly that: petty, and not attractive.

Whew. I've been thinking about all that for a while. Maybe now it will leave me alone.

Rejoice! Jesus lives!

Happy Easter!

Over the years, I've listened to various arguments about what is the most significant moment in history. Some choose the birth of Christ. Some choose the Garden of Gethsemane. Some choose the Crucifixion on the Cross, and some choose the Resurrection. At different times in my life, I have chosen each of those singular moments.

This year, I've gained a whole new perspective. The single most significant point in history is Jesus Christ.

Coming to terms...

Someone, who says they love me, tells lies about me to their friends. I used to take it personally. Today, I realized that it isn't personal. They tell lies about others as well. I simply know about it, whereas others do not. It's easier to let go, now... No, that isn't quite true. It is easier to turn it over to God. Jesus was never a doormat, and I do not believe that I am expected to be a doormat, but there are battles that are not worth fighting. And this is one. I've tried explanations and capitulation, but it has changed nothing. I cannot change this person, but I can and will change me, what I feel and think and believe. My worth is not dependent on any person's good graces, but on God's grace alone. I have been richly blessed by God with friends who have worked tirelessly to teach me of my worth. I'm learning.

Other stuff: I struggled to decide if I should re-invest in my warehouse membership. Money is tight. I bought only a few things, but I realized that what I saved, in one small visit, paid for more than half of the membership. I need only go once more this year, and it will be paid for in full. A good investment.

Congratulations Carl! On winning today's Nationwide race in Nashville! Whoohoo!!

Good Friday...

All week, I've made a concentrated effort to recognize and embrace this Easter week. Today, I sought ways to make Good Friday more meaningful to me than ever before. NikonSniper and Fellowship of the Minds had Easter messages that added to my worship. This evening, without much hope, I looked for something on television and found TBN. Thank you TBN for showing The Passion of the Christ. I have not seen it before. I've had a testimony of my Savior for many years. A couple of people who saw it told me it was too violent. TBN broadcasted it last Sunday, and I couldn't bring myself to watch. After preparing all week, it seemed as though God had led me to it, so I watched, and wept. In Jesus the Christ, by James E. Talmage, he describes what happens, in detail, what happens to the human body when it is crucified. From other reading, I knew what happened during a flogging. It's beyond brutal. I took comfort in the knowledge that the movie wasn't real, but I also knew what it represented. I wept for Mary, His mother, and His followers. By the end of the movie, I had originally thought I would feel bereft, brutalized, horrified. I did not. I felt filled, warmed, comforted, peaceful, hopeful. I felt reminded that I gave myself to Jesus Christ, long ago, and He accepted me. He is truth. He commanded His disciples to love one another as He loved. As HE loved. Not as the world loves. AS HE LOVES. I have stumbled and struggled along, endeavoring to learn about love, and I realize now that I have been endeavoring to see it through MY eyes. It doesn't matter if I understand love at all. Jesus Christ understands love perfectly. I need only follow Him, a choice I've already made. There is much fine-tuning to do, but I'm hopeful in a way I've never been before. Jesus is my Savior. He suffered in Gethsemane and died on the cross for me. I know more surely than ever before that He knows where to find me in the darkest moments. This isn't the end; it's the beginning. Easter isn't over.

I'm adding my prayers for healing rain for Texas, so please God, no flooding.

Today...

I am focusing on the moment. This moment. What is my life, right now? I am God's, and I'm learning to take ownership of myself. I am Christian, and Jesus Christ is my Savior. I am an abuse survivor, which colors everything. My hope is that in sharing my struggle, someone else will feel like they are not alone, like they will rise above the past. I've lived almost half a century. My furry children are no longer with me. I miss them. The career choice I thought would take me through the next decade is vanishing. I've seen a lot, done a lot, learned a lot. I'm nowhere near where I dreamed of finding myself. I've lived at home my whole life, with stints on three different continents. Today, I found the front door open, closed it and locked it. Not the first time. I've worked more than a dozen different jobs, mostly unrelated to each other, and am looking at starting something new, again, but that's for another day. Today is about today. I'm overweight. My back is a mess, a reflection of my life in so many ways, but I'm learning to accept and make the best of it. I have limited eating options that don't fit the "world's" concept of healthy. I have a deep and abiding love for cooking that has survived all my changes and explorations, a love that started before my Easy-Bake Oven, which sealed it. My wide-ranging interests have waxed and waned over the years, but this one is ever present. And I'm good at it. Experimenting with recipes and taste-testing food is fun. I am a bibliophile. I have read over a thousand different authors (in the last five years alone). I have a list of 725 authors I probably won't buy again, and 62 authors that are currently on my must-buy list. And I keep exploring new ones. Books open doors to places and people I want to visit. I am conservative, really conservative, regardless of growing up in a very liberal home. I have a king-size cathedral-window style quilt that I created, because my sister started it and didn't want to finish it. I have pillows and a lap quilt on my bed that I designed and created. I enjoy my interesting collection of dishes, related to the cooking thing, I'm sure. I tend to avoid sleeping, in an effort to dodge nightmares. I have an absolutely amazing circle of friends, who have blessed me beyond measure in more ways than I ever imaged possible. My interests are more varied than ever before in my life. I'm embracing my interests more wholeheartedly than ever before in my life. It's helpful, from time to time, to take a moment and take stock of one's life. In this Easter week, the last supper has occurred and the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus knew what was coming, and accepted it because of his boundless love for each and everyone of us. I cannot earn my way into Heaven by being perfect, by doing everything expected of me, by making sure everything is always right. Jesus Christ beseeches me to become as a little child. An abuse survivor doesn't understand the concept. Innocence was destroyed and forgotten. I am asked to give my heart to Jesus. It wasn't so long ago that I tried to do exactly that. I visualized myself gathering up all the broken pieces and handing them to my Savior. I stood in a wide open field, and to my dismay the pieces kept blowing away. The faster I tried to gather them, the more they scattered. When I paused to look about me, to see where the pieces had blown, my breath stuck in my throat to see tiny shreds sprinkled like confetti as far as the eye could see, and I knew the pieces reached far beyond what I could see. How could I possibly gather up all the pieces? How could Jesus make my heart whole when there were so many pieces seemingly irrevocably lost? At the time, I felt hopeless. Gradually, I'm endeavoring to remember that Jesus knows where all the tattered pieces may be found. He asks me to do as much as I am able, not because He can't do it, but because He knows how much I will learn and grow through the journey. He's already walked the path, and has volunteered to traverse the road with me. It is up to me to accept His help or not. It's good to remember that His idea of help is not always my idea of help, but His way is perfect. Today, I'm not where many would think I should be, including me, sometimes. Today, I look back, and reflect and learn and accept. This is where I am right this moment.

Remember...

As I reflect, this week, I realized that part of the mourning process required remembering, a lot of things. I've considered all the things I did and went through to accomplish what I needed to do, to ready myself for my dream career. Then, it didn't happen. And it won't. I'm learning to come to terms with that. I grieve the loss of those dreams, and yet it isn't as painful as it used to be, when I first realized the dream was over. I'd had hints, from time to time, for much of my life, but I was determined to visualize what I wanted and act in faith. I firmly believed and had been taught that it was a worthwhile dream, all the while ignoring the hints that led away from it. Not trusting myself, and not trusting God. As I've struggled to be honest with myself, to stop lying, I've found that my faith in myself and in God is growing. I'm surrounded by plenty of people more than willing to tear down that faith, unwitting or no, because the direction I'm heading doesn't suit them, doesn't make sense to them, isn't what they envision. I learned long ago to reveal as little as possible because it's safer. By holding close what's important to me, it can't be used against me, ridiculed, or used as a whip. There are those who think they know and understand, and I find myself at their mercy. They plead ignorance, while I must live with the consequences. They think I'm overdramatic, exaggerating, misunderstanding. Somehow, my feelings don't matter. My boundaries are meaningless. My hopes and dreams are somehow wrong. They have free will, as I do. I forget that though I have changed, they have not, and their expectations of me remain the same as they've always been. So, I must remember that the world I live in isn't safe and never has been, especially for my dreams. That being said, I choose not to stop dreaming, especially in order to spare the hurt that is sure to come. Pain is part of living. God will provide a way, but I need to look at my dreams through His eyes, instead of mine. His vision is clear, and He sees so much more than I am able to imagine. And He has provided so many incredible people in my life, who love and support and encourage me, with honor and respect. If the breadcrumbs were any more abundant, I'd be drowning in them. I'm grateful God is allowing me this time to mourn, yet already feel His gentle, guiding hand, pushing me forward.

I am God's. What is my purpose?

I am also an abuse survivor, fearful and brave, imperfect, flawed, hopeful, tenacious, creative, optimistic, reserved and friendly, a fighter, of worth...

This week, I will mourn the dreams I held dear for most of my life. God has been leading me along in the direction He wants me to go, and truly, I'm looking forward to the new adventure, but I think it's been a struggle because I haven't properly mourned and released the old dreams. They don't fit anymore. I don't think God minds.