Remember...

As I reflect, this week, I realized that part of the mourning process required remembering, a lot of things. I've considered all the things I did and went through to accomplish what I needed to do, to ready myself for my dream career. Then, it didn't happen. And it won't. I'm learning to come to terms with that. I grieve the loss of those dreams, and yet it isn't as painful as it used to be, when I first realized the dream was over. I'd had hints, from time to time, for much of my life, but I was determined to visualize what I wanted and act in faith. I firmly believed and had been taught that it was a worthwhile dream, all the while ignoring the hints that led away from it. Not trusting myself, and not trusting God. As I've struggled to be honest with myself, to stop lying, I've found that my faith in myself and in God is growing. I'm surrounded by plenty of people more than willing to tear down that faith, unwitting or no, because the direction I'm heading doesn't suit them, doesn't make sense to them, isn't what they envision. I learned long ago to reveal as little as possible because it's safer. By holding close what's important to me, it can't be used against me, ridiculed, or used as a whip. There are those who think they know and understand, and I find myself at their mercy. They plead ignorance, while I must live with the consequences. They think I'm overdramatic, exaggerating, misunderstanding. Somehow, my feelings don't matter. My boundaries are meaningless. My hopes and dreams are somehow wrong. They have free will, as I do. I forget that though I have changed, they have not, and their expectations of me remain the same as they've always been. So, I must remember that the world I live in isn't safe and never has been, especially for my dreams. That being said, I choose not to stop dreaming, especially in order to spare the hurt that is sure to come. Pain is part of living. God will provide a way, but I need to look at my dreams through His eyes, instead of mine. His vision is clear, and He sees so much more than I am able to imagine. And He has provided so many incredible people in my life, who love and support and encourage me, with honor and respect. If the breadcrumbs were any more abundant, I'd be drowning in them. I'm grateful God is allowing me this time to mourn, yet already feel His gentle, guiding hand, pushing me forward.