Assessing...

I've been thinking about my blog, here, and noticing that it seems quite random and also rather shallow, over all. I try not to be controversial. I try not to step on any toes, at least not often. I know I constantly sensor my thoughts. A part of me fears being found, having what I write reported to those with whom I'm not safe. Each word and phrase is carefully chosen to protect me, to protect my hopes and dreams, what few there are. My fretting isn't unfounded. I've shared information that has come back to haunt me, to be used as a whip or shackles. I'm not ashamed; it is my self-worth that is held hostage. That which matters to me is thrown back at me as a joke, dismissed, or derided. And I'm questioned why I share so little. I admire those who say, "Let them come," and share their story anyway. I'm not there yet, not entirely. I am exploring, though. I'm learning, but I've no illusions about still being at the mercy of those who think me incapable, irresponsible, a burden. So, today, I'm thinking about where I want to go from here. I'm not sure, but I'm thinking about it now, rather than pushing it aside. I want to lift, inspire, encourage. I know too well how easy it is to slip the other way. I'm learning how important it is to be honest, to stop lying to myself, and yet there are those who do not want me to be honest. It makes them uncomfortable, and then they make my life difficult. What a mess.