Validation explosion...

Validation: Validity, in logic, determining whether a statement is true or false; to declare or make legally valid; to mark with an indication of official sanction; assessment of an action, decision, plan, or transaction to establish that it is (1) correct, (2) complete, (3) being implemented (and/or recorded) as intended, and (4) delivering the intended outcome.

Upsi has created a safe place for people to discuss their struggles with dealing with narcissistic personalties. Today, at her site You Don't Have to Dance for Them, a discussion was raised about validation. I replied, and was shocked by how strongly I reacted. I felt like I'd exploded, not in tears or hurt but fury. Hours later, now, I'm able to recognize why I reacted the way I did.

Several things came together, at once: In the article posted earlier this week, validation is part of the equation. Today, I finished reading SEALed Forever by Mary Margret Daughtridge, in which validation plays a significant role in the conflict for both the hero and heroine. And my ongoing journey.

The quoted blogger made the statement that validation was unnecessary. "We never need to justify hurt or turn it into suffering via a perceived need for validation. We only need to act on its motivation heal, correct, and improve."

I re-read the above quote, and I'm irritated all over again. Validating isn't about justifying my hurt; it is about recognizing that I AM hurt and not making it up, as I was repeatedly told. Healing requires acknowledging there is an injury. I lost count, long ago, the number of times I was hit, pinched, belittled, insulted, ignored, and more and told, "That didn't hurt!" "I didn't hit you that hard." "Stop whining." "Stop complaining." "You're blowing it out of proportion." "You're being overly sensitive." "You're letting your imagination run away with you." "You're making it up." "It isn't as bad as you're making it out." "You're such a 'girl'." "No one will believe you." "You have nothing to cry about." "You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about." "You asked for it." "You want to play the poor-is-me game? I'll play it and win."

Needing validation is a part of being human. A baby will cry when they are hungry, tired, or don't feel good: and we validate them by feeding them, rocking them to sleep, or cuddling them when they're cranky. A baby is not seeking justification for crying. They do need to know they are not alone, and someone will meet the needs they cannot because those needs are real and reasonable.

Simply because we've grown up does not mean we're now capable of meeting all our own needs. We are not. Anyone who works, be it in an office, outside, or in the home, they are meeting the needs of someone else. Any time you go to the store, the bank, the post office, make a phone call, use the computer, drive a car, fly, etc, then someone else is meeting your need. Anyone who has a family or friends is meeting the needs for companionship, for self and someone else. It's the way people are made. We spend a remarkable amount of our time dependent on others. This isn't a bad thing. In fact, it's incredibly amazing that we are able to connect the way we do.

Needing validation is not silly or stupid or unreasonable. Being able to validate requires a level of honesty. You have to honestly acknowledge that the feeling/need exists and is real. There are those in my life who will never be able to validate me because it would require acknowledging the lies in their own lives first. I don't anticipate that happening any time soon. However, I have discovered that I don't need their validation that my feelings and needs are reasonable and real. I have found an incredible circle of friends who recognize and acknowledge (thereby validating me) that my feelings and needs are both real and reasonable. Knowing it's real is HUGE. Knowing it's real means I can stop wondering if I'm crazy and start working towards a better solution than the ones that definitely haven't worked in the past, like living in denial.

Are there times when I'm whiney and unreasonable? Absolutely, without a doubt. I also allow myself to be validated that that is also simply being human and not criminal behavior. Undesirable, but not criminal. I'm allowed to have bad days. There is strength in working things through on my own. There is also strength is seeking help and allowing others to lift me, and being allowed to return the favor.

There are plenty of people who are more than willing to live in the lies and pretend like everything is fine. The Emperor's New Clothes sound familiar? Following the logic of the statement above: Then there was no reason for the child to point out that the emperor had no clothes. It was obvious. Validation was unnecessary. However, the point of the story is that sometimes validation is critical in order to move forward in the truth.

I think I'm ready to step down from my soapbox now, at least for today.