There's change as in doing something new, which can be done at any time, though some opportunities pass, never to be offered again. I'd like to visit New Zealand. That would be a change. If it happens, great. If not, that's okay.
And then there is change as in changing a flaw that harms self and others, which can never wait. Stop lying was a change that needed to happen long ago. I tried. And tried. And tried. The difficult part was that I didn't acknowledge how deep the habit was ingrained. I didn't stop trying to change. I kept searching for understanding. I also kept trying to be honest.
I quit dating over fifteen years ago because I realized I didn't know how to maintain healthy boundaries, and I finally stopped lying to myself that I could. I truly am learning now. It hasn't been easy, not by any stretch of the imagination. I stopped lying to myself and accepted that people who said they loved me didn't. I had to learn to be honest with myself that there are those who don't believe I have the right to protect myself. I've stopped lying to myself that people didn't mean to hurt me or humiliate me. I told them, repeatedly. They are lying to themselves if they say they didn't know. I've stopped lying to myself that it is my responsibility to determine anyone else's willingness to accept responsibility for themselves and their actions. I've stopped lying to myself that it is my responsibility to make anyone else happy. I have stopped lying to myself that it is my responsibility to fulfill everyone else's expectations of me no matter how unreasonable and no matter the cost to me. I have stopped lying to myself that it is my responsibility to be the scapegoat, the secret keeper, the puppet, the toy. And it's scary. Because it means that I have to stop lying about who and what I've been all my life. So who am I?
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Laundry is done. Yay! Enjoyed some reading. Everything else went to the wayside. Life happened. I visited with a friend. It was lovely. ...
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~ Sweet spirited souls who lighten my world simply by being in it. ~ Another editing job done. ~ Cooling weather. ~ Successfully takin...
An awesome person. :)
ReplyDeleteAfter all that time of hiding the real you to protect her, I'm sure it's extremely frightening to realize you aren't well acquainted with yourself anymore! You are still the same "core you" God made you to be in the beginning -- but getting reacquainted with that you will not always be easy. And that you will change as you go along, too. I know for a fact that I am a different "me" than I was when I was much younger -- life's experiences (and God's pruning and refining work) did a lot of changing in me. I'm still "me" but I grew, so to speak. ;-)
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing that you have made so many realizations about lying and are stripping that away slowly but surely. That's part of that pruning and refining, I think, that will help develop the real you and bring you along in the personal growth process. It's not an easy road to travel, I'm sure! But fear not -- there will definitely come a day (probably not too far distant) when you will realize that you really do know who you are, even if that person will continue to change over time. And you'll have more confidence in who you really are, too, and not have to always be wondering if you are still lying to yourself or not!
*hugs*
Thanks ((Flutterby))
ReplyDelete((Margaret)) I think God sends people into our lives who help us remember who we really are, and you are one of mine.