Listen to the niggles...

They may be meaningless. They may not matter. Then again, they might. Last week, I had a little niggle that I ought to turn in my bill, for my work, last week. It would be a little early, but not much. I held to my end-of-the-month deadline. Sigh. The client is out of town this week! If I'd turned it in, I would have been paid, this week, instead of next. No one's fault but mine. Live and learn.

So as not to be too hard on myself: I had a little niggle to go ahead and prep everything for a meeting, this evening, with someone who is helping me. We had a lovely chat, but they wanted me to email the information instead. Was it a waste of time and energy? Actually, it wasn't. It gave me the opportunity to re-read, and I found some needed changes.

This morning, I had to do a little driving. I had a niggle to check the passenger door. I did. It held firm. Once I hit the freeway, at 65 mph, there was a terrible whistling. I wondered if the door were slightly ajar, except that I knew it was not, because I had checked. I was careful, and checked the door again when I arrived at my destination, where I discovered that the window wasn't completely closed. What if I hadn't checked, so I could assure myself that the door was shut tightly?

God's ways are not man's ways. Learn God's ways. They may be harder in the short run, but they are always better in the long run.

Memorial Day

Thank God for all the men and women who have courageously served and died for this country. May God bless their families. May God bless our military. May we always remember and honor their sacrifice. Never forget. Freedom isn't free.

As long as there are those willing to kill for power, there will need to be those willing to fight for freedom. ~Laurel Hawkes

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #54

~Jesus Christ, my Savior, the One who understands all, and loves to a depth of choosing to live and to give His life for all.

~Thank God for men and women who love family, home, country, and freedom so much they are willing to die in the defense of it.

~Thank God for the sixteen service personnel that gave their lives in an effort to rescue the Operation Redwing SEAL team. They were doing what they had committed to do, to the best of their ability. May God bless their families.

~Thank God for the friends He brings into my life.

~Thank you, Diane Gaston. Posts on Mondays over at Risky Regencies. She shared the Online Etymology Dictionary. Words that mean one thing now, didn't always mean that. Example: Snatch. I use it interchangeably with snag, snitch, steal, grab. However, for someone in the early 1800s, it didn't mean that then. Thank God for those little niggles, the ones that nudge and push and whisper, "Check the meaning of that word."

My Heroes... Matthew Axelson

The third man of the four-man team in Operation Redwing to die for his country and his team. His last words of love for his wife gave the last man an extra reason to hang on. There will always be that missing place at the table that no one else can fill. He gave all, and he will never be forgotten.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
~John 15:13

Last month, I asked, "Who am I?"

I've made some interesting discoveries, broad-ranging and sometimes surprising. Now, it seems the time has come, since the question has been asked, "What is my core value?" I'm a firm believer that people and situations cross our paths at specific times and it is up to me to decide if I will accept or reject the opportunity presented. It requires creating my own priorities... oh.

I think I've answered my own question, unexpectedly. My main source of income ended, earlier this year. If making money were my main concern, my core value, I would be jumping at every opportunity that has been thrown my way, regardless of how ridiculous some of the opportunities were.

Instead, I have doggedly pursued the path I believe God wishes me to take. He's certainly thrown me a bucketload of breadcrumbs to keep me on track. Those who don't know me well believe that I am lazy, irresponsible, ungrateful, and selfish. I used to try to explain myself, but have long since grown tired of having what I say misconstrued or thrown back at me or, worse, used against me. Because of many of my choices, I have been judged wanting, unworthy, falling short. So be it.

There was a time when my core value would have been revealed to be my furry children. I skipped doctor visits, groceries, vacations, and socializing when the need arose, with only a few brief regrets, but I would not have chosen differently. They were my living, breathing angel gifts from God. His proof that He loved me, and I still miss them terribly. A day never goes by without thinking of them, and wishing... it doesn't matter. Life is was it is. Once in a while, I pray God gives them an extra loving from me. And yes, they were used against me, to control me, to manipulate me, to punish me.

"What is my core value?" What is it for which I am willing to give up everything else? Family, those people I hold dear, regardless of blood ties, and God, but above all God. I know why it's difficult to acknowledge family considering how I've had to restructure my thinking in that regard, but I'm figuring it out. Even so, there are lines I have drawn, because I don't know how to be any other way.

God, on the other hand, requires a whole new way of accepting my perceptions. And it is only now that I'm beginning to recognize my parameters. I didn't think that God was a core value because my life isn't devoted to Him. I live my life, but not in the image of a devotee. I haven't done many of the basic things expected of someone considered dedicated to God, at least by the world's standards. So I believed I was lacking, until now. I'm far from perfect, but as difficult as the path before me is, I've struggled along it, day by day, even when it seems hopeless. I take another step, even if it's only a little crawl forward. And when I believe I can't possibly move forward another step, I turn it over to God, and He moves me forward, enough to keep me facing forward. I'm scared witless, but step into the darkness anyway. Sometimes, a candle is there, waiting, and sometimes only more darkness, but never without a sure knowledge that I am never alone. God will not take the steps for me, but He will stand with me, encouraging me, providing angels on earth to lift me. God is the core of who I am. Without Him, I am nothing.

This isn't what I was going to write about...

I had other plans for today's post, and then I read Tim Barney and Tara Tyler Quinn's post at Much Cheaper Than Therapy. A few weeks ago, I added TTQ to my list of heroes. Today reaffirmed why. I'm wrinkling my nose and clearing my throat and blinking away the tears. I commented there that this is the advice I've been looking for all my life. And yet, only now am I finally in a place to recognize, understand, and actually make an effort to implement it. I don't know if there's enough of me. I've mentioned that I'm comfortable being alone with myself, but I'm not sure I know what my core value is. For years, it was family, until I began to realize how incredibly unhealthy my perception is, though I'm working to learn to be healthy. I want to say that money isn't... well, it isn't really... but I do worry about it, but I don't think that counts as the core value. I truly want to say God, but I'm not particularly trustful there either. So, maybe I need to explore what is at the core of me, the deepest part, the heart that makes the final decision, because right now, I don't know. I've been told what it should be, what it ought to be, what it had better be, but that isn't acceptable to me anymore. I want to decide. I want to dig deep and sift through the funny stuff, the ugly stuff, the painful stuff, and joyful stuff. I want to search, for myself, and decide for myself, because ultimately, the only one who is going to be held accountable is me. I've spent a lot of years allowing others to decide for me. I'm still alive, so that's good, but am I really living? So many walls and barriers and blinds have been thrown in my way. What kind of life is that? Is it a life at all?

I don't know why but this seems like the right time to talk about my battle with grace. When I was working with my second counselor I told her, in incredibly vague detail... okay, I skimmed the surface of the sexual abuse that has occurred throughout my life, only enough for her to know that I had been sexually abused. She thought it admirable that I wouldn't give her details. I figured it was bad enough that I had to live with it, why would I inflict it, in any way, on anyone else? Whether or not the details are important, I don't know, and isn't really part of this story. She praised me for making it through.

I nodded, and said, "Yeah, yeah, but I would have liked to have made it through with more grace."

She blinked, and repeated, more slowly. "You made it through."

I looked at her and nodded. "Yes, but I would have liked to have done it with more grace."

"Judy, you made it through!"

"Yes, but I would have liked to have done it with more grace!"

"Repeat after me: I made it through!"

"I made it through--"

"Stop!"

Then I mumbled, "But I would have liked to have done it with more grace."

Maybe I'm still looking for the more grace.

Hunting for heroes...

Last year, when Glenn Beck announced the Restoring Honor rally, I spent months contemplating what Honor meant. I finally realized I hadn't a clue what it actually was, beyond the very vaguest sense. It wasn't something with which I was raised. I reached the point where I decided to spend an entire month studying Honor, what it meant not only as a definition but what it looked like in action. I've endeavored to incorporate it into my own life. I know I'm not very good at it, but I'm working on it.

Then I began a new search, for heroes. I hadn't had many of those either. And now there's the upcoming Restoring Courage rally in Jerusalem. I can't afford to go, but it ties in neatly with my own current focus. Too often the "world" looks to stars and the ultra rich in adoration and awe. They've confused being a hero with being famous. Or perhaps they haven't. Perhaps the difference is in what they value. Do they truly value the superstars themselves and their beliefs, or do they value the wealth and power? And simply pick and choose between the many pretty packaging options? Either way, it isn't about heroism.

Over the years, I've gradually developed a working concept of what a hero is or ought to be, but I didn't have many concrete examples that I looked to for inspiration. No, now that I've written it that isn't strictly true. I have several friends that I look to for inspiration, people who continue moving forward, no matter what. I wrote of one, yesterday. But I realize now that I wanted more. I've learned to recognize it in my friends, over time, but I feel like I need to learn to recognize it when I see it. I need to be able to recognize it, for myself, without having it pointed out to me by someone else. So, I started My Saturday Heroes.

In the interest of privacy, my close friends won't be featured, except vaguely, as I did yesterday. However, so much of my life I've heard this person or that being praised and lauded, only to find myself feeling like I've been blown about by the prevailing winds of change, forced to go with the flavor of the month. One day, this person or that is hailed as a wonderful human being, and thrown into the dirt the next, depending on the changing tide.

Much of my life has been spent endeavoring to maintain a smooth and easy facade. What a joke, on me. Will some of my choices "let me down?" More than likely. People aren't perfect. That being said, there are a lot of really amazing, incredible, wonderful people out there. I've been blessed to meet quite a few of them.

I was raised in fear by fear. How do you change a life-time habit? A little at a time. In any search, it helps to have an idea of what "it" is supposed to look like, and so I've started my hunt for heroes. One of my first lessons has been that it isn't that heroes don't feel fear, it is that the fear isn't the deciding factor. What must that be like?

Going NC... not what you think...

In many of the blogs I visit, the posters have either gone No Contact or are thinking about going NC. The specific reasons are varied, but the general reason is because it's the only way they are able to set and maintain healthy boundaries. In virtually all the cases, these individuals are dealing with narcissistic personalities within their own family. It's up front that the NC is because of the narcissistic behavior. The narcissism varies from smothering to neglect, but it's still narcissism. It's helpful to know one isn't alone, but especially to know that one isn't crazy. The behavior is unacceptable, but narcissists, by and large, don't see a problem and are generally unwilling to change, because in their mind, they aren't doing anything wrong (hurtful).

In the world of the narcissist, everything is about them. If you're quiet, it's because you're mad at them. If you don't answer them, it's because you're being rude to them. If you're out of touch for a brief time, it's because you don't care about them. If you don't repeatedly thank them and tell them you love them, it's because you don't appreciate them properly. If you are celebrating an important event, they will become sick or share their own or someone else's important event, thereby diminishing what is happening to you. If you are sick, they will have something more horrible happen to them. If they're sick, it is always you're fault. If they are feeling insecure or unloved, it is because you are not supportive enough or loving enough. And just for the record, no matter how much you do, say, or give, it will never be enough.

Today, I was reading the comments about the protestor that interrupted Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's speech to Congress. I was gobsmacked to see how many people admitted that they didn't attend Thanksgiving or other family get-togethers because they had liberal family members that ranted and yelled in their faces about their "stupid" conservative values. (I know conservatives that are unpleasant and liberals that are respectful.)

It's always a relief to know it isn't only me. I've gone NC with a number of people because they believed they had the right to say anything they wanted to me, regardless of my feelings. I didn't feel guilty or second guess myself. I've also gone NC with people who deliberately hurt me, and have found myself needing to justify my actions. Why? I'm chastised for being LC (low contact) with people who have told me in various ways how much trouble I am and how worthless I am, without actually using those precise words (deniability, ie, "I never said that"), but because they also tell me they love me, it's supposed to be okay. There are times when I feel like and believe I'm a hermit (one of many nicknames). Then I think about the number of people with whom I interact every day, many I have never met and many of whom I have traveled a considerable distance to meet.

(Reminder to myself: I am not a hermit.)

It was such a surprise to see NC being used in a slightly different context, and recognized as an acceptable choice. It probably also merits mentioning that sometimes no contact isn't what it appears to be. There are people in my life with whom I have no contact not because I'm not safe with them but because life happens. People grow and change. I was taught to hang onto every single relationship, no matter how unhealthy, because you could never have too many friends, regardless of how unfriendly the relationship was. I outgrew that perception. I came to realize that by cultivating healthy relationships, I actually had more time and energy for those relationships, because my healthy friendships lift me and strengthen me. There should be no mistake that many of my relationships may seem like no or low contact but, in fact, are simply a matter of life happening.

One of my dearest friends, to those on the outside, others would have considered us low contact. She had health issues, and so did I. We'd make plans and have to cancel because one of us wasn't feeling well enough to make the outing. It was an amazing friendship. She could call me and I could call her, at the last minute, and cancel, and the other understood. We accepted each other as is, and worked with what we each could offer. I lost her a few years ago, to illness, and I miss her still. Things will come up, and I'll think, "I have to tell..." Her favorite authors will put out a new book, and I'll think about buying it for her. One of our favorite Greek dishes will be on special, and I'll think we have to go to lunch. Or, I'll be having an especially difficult time, and I'll want to call her, knowing I could pour everything out, the crumby, the unfair, the hurtful, the frustrations, the anger, everything. She'd listen, and then I'd say, "Okay, tell me what's going on with you, because I know it's going to be worse." She would, and we'd laugh at ourselves. I always came away feeling better for being around her, even though it was only a half dozen times a year, and we lived only a couple of miles apart. I miss her.

It isn't the amount of contact you have; it is the quality of the contact. It is about connecting with someone who says they love you and shows you that they love you by respecting you, honoring you, and sharing a commitment with you to grow together.

Carpe diem... unexpected...

For those who were not aware, the Rapture was purportedly to occur on the 21st of May at 6:00 pm. This is the billboard put up in place of the previous warning of the end being near: Awkward It makes me laugh. Like many, this whole world ending made me stop and think. I've read the Bible, and agree that if the Son of Man doesn't know, only the Father, than it's pretty arrogant to suggest anyone else knows. I feel sorry for the people who took it seriously. I also decided that it was a good opportunity for me look at this situation differently. I know that many people mocked this little group. Is that really productive? We complain when others mock us, but it's perfectly acceptable to mock someone else? Was this a lost opportunity to conduct a personal self-evaluation? Any day we could be called Home. We know not the day nor the hour. How many souls were called Home this weekend? Simply driving a car ups the possibility of one's life ending abruptly, unexpectedly, and yet everyone still drives, without a second thought. This whole incident did drive home the importance of having my own relationship with God, a relationship close enough that involves reading my scriptures and praying and seeking out all that is good, so that I am able to recognize God's Hand in whatever events occur in my life. I could criticize the dooms dayers, but what good does that do me? It gave me the opportunity to think about what would I do if my time were finite. I'd visit friends far away. There are several places in the world I'd like to see. As it was, money being tight as it is, I didn't do much of anything different. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, but I wouldn't have become the person I am without it. I'm not sure I actually like myself, but I am able to sit alone with myself, in a quiet room, and not feel uncomfortable or need a distraction from my own thoughts. And when I'm immersed in what I feel is God's plan for me, I am completely at peace with myself.

My prayers are with those who survived the tornados and storms.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #53

~Beautiful weather, remaining cool enough for the blackberries to continue to ripen sweetly.

~The knowledge and ability to make yummy blackberry jam.

~Friends and family who love me anyway.

~Books and television that take me places I could never go.

~Go Carl! Won the All-Star NASCAR race! YAY!! And he came in second in the Nationwide race. Well-done, Carl!

My Heroes... Danny Dietz

The first man of Operation Redwing to give his life for his country and his team, fighting to the last.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run , and not be weary ; and they shall walk , and not faint.
~ Isaiah 40:31

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
~ John 14:27