Going NC... not what you think...

In many of the blogs I visit, the posters have either gone No Contact or are thinking about going NC. The specific reasons are varied, but the general reason is because it's the only way they are able to set and maintain healthy boundaries. In virtually all the cases, these individuals are dealing with narcissistic personalities within their own family. It's up front that the NC is because of the narcissistic behavior. The narcissism varies from smothering to neglect, but it's still narcissism. It's helpful to know one isn't alone, but especially to know that one isn't crazy. The behavior is unacceptable, but narcissists, by and large, don't see a problem and are generally unwilling to change, because in their mind, they aren't doing anything wrong (hurtful).

In the world of the narcissist, everything is about them. If you're quiet, it's because you're mad at them. If you don't answer them, it's because you're being rude to them. If you're out of touch for a brief time, it's because you don't care about them. If you don't repeatedly thank them and tell them you love them, it's because you don't appreciate them properly. If you are celebrating an important event, they will become sick or share their own or someone else's important event, thereby diminishing what is happening to you. If you are sick, they will have something more horrible happen to them. If they're sick, it is always you're fault. If they are feeling insecure or unloved, it is because you are not supportive enough or loving enough. And just for the record, no matter how much you do, say, or give, it will never be enough.

Today, I was reading the comments about the protestor that interrupted Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's speech to Congress. I was gobsmacked to see how many people admitted that they didn't attend Thanksgiving or other family get-togethers because they had liberal family members that ranted and yelled in their faces about their "stupid" conservative values. (I know conservatives that are unpleasant and liberals that are respectful.)

It's always a relief to know it isn't only me. I've gone NC with a number of people because they believed they had the right to say anything they wanted to me, regardless of my feelings. I didn't feel guilty or second guess myself. I've also gone NC with people who deliberately hurt me, and have found myself needing to justify my actions. Why? I'm chastised for being LC (low contact) with people who have told me in various ways how much trouble I am and how worthless I am, without actually using those precise words (deniability, ie, "I never said that"), but because they also tell me they love me, it's supposed to be okay. There are times when I feel like and believe I'm a hermit (one of many nicknames). Then I think about the number of people with whom I interact every day, many I have never met and many of whom I have traveled a considerable distance to meet.

(Reminder to myself: I am not a hermit.)

It was such a surprise to see NC being used in a slightly different context, and recognized as an acceptable choice. It probably also merits mentioning that sometimes no contact isn't what it appears to be. There are people in my life with whom I have no contact not because I'm not safe with them but because life happens. People grow and change. I was taught to hang onto every single relationship, no matter how unhealthy, because you could never have too many friends, regardless of how unfriendly the relationship was. I outgrew that perception. I came to realize that by cultivating healthy relationships, I actually had more time and energy for those relationships, because my healthy friendships lift me and strengthen me. There should be no mistake that many of my relationships may seem like no or low contact but, in fact, are simply a matter of life happening.

One of my dearest friends, to those on the outside, others would have considered us low contact. She had health issues, and so did I. We'd make plans and have to cancel because one of us wasn't feeling well enough to make the outing. It was an amazing friendship. She could call me and I could call her, at the last minute, and cancel, and the other understood. We accepted each other as is, and worked with what we each could offer. I lost her a few years ago, to illness, and I miss her still. Things will come up, and I'll think, "I have to tell..." Her favorite authors will put out a new book, and I'll think about buying it for her. One of our favorite Greek dishes will be on special, and I'll think we have to go to lunch. Or, I'll be having an especially difficult time, and I'll want to call her, knowing I could pour everything out, the crumby, the unfair, the hurtful, the frustrations, the anger, everything. She'd listen, and then I'd say, "Okay, tell me what's going on with you, because I know it's going to be worse." She would, and we'd laugh at ourselves. I always came away feeling better for being around her, even though it was only a half dozen times a year, and we lived only a couple of miles apart. I miss her.

It isn't the amount of contact you have; it is the quality of the contact. It is about connecting with someone who says they love you and shows you that they love you by respecting you, honoring you, and sharing a commitment with you to grow together.