Manners revisited... again

SEAL Sleuths article from Yahoo. I thought is was interesting, so I'm sharing it. Actually, it ties in with my own Quest for the truth. The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. Tell the truth anyway. I'm endeavoring to make this one of my mantras.

*As we all know, Blogger took a little vacation and took some friends along. Unfortunately, not all the friends returned, namely the original of this post, so I'm visiting it again. If said post ever reappears, from the black hole of cyberspace, we can compare.*

A valid complaint was made about the previous post on good manners. I agreed, and decided that maybe a rewrite was in order. First thing that should be pointed out is that these rules aren't only for children. I enjoy listening to adults be polite, too. I know I'm not particularly good at it myself, that's why it's on the to-do list.

Manner #1
When asking for something, say "Please."
Manner #2
When receiving something, say "Thank you."

Yes, to both of these, for adults, too. And not in a snarky or sarcastic tone of voice. You might as well have not said it.

Manner #3
Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.

This one should be true, but too often is not. Maybe in the author's world this happens, but it often does not. I know too many adults who enjoy making others wait, or they simply will not acknowledge a new person. Maybe it makes them feel powerful and in control, but it's pathetic, really. My time is valuable as well.

Just for the record, there are a few people I avoid, in self-preservation. Turning the other cheek does not require me to be a doormat.

Manner #4
If you do need to get somebody's attention right away, the phrase "excuse me" is the most polite way for you to enter the conversation.

Yes, it is, though "pardon me" and "I'm sorry to interrupt" also work nicely, all spoken sincerely. Yes, that has to be clarified.

Manner #5
When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.

Clearly, the writer grew up in a perfectly fair world. Sometimes asking permission meant a lecture because I should have already known the answer. It didn't matter if I did or not, it was determined that I should have known.

Manner #6
The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.

This was what started the re-write process. Thanks, Jonsi, for your comments. When I read this, my first thought was the Thumper Rule: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I'd like a lot more adults to follow this one. That being said, this is an extremely confusing "rule." Disliking something is not necessarily a negative opinion. I dislike bullies, so am I being negative? Really? Instead, it would be better to teach children and adults how to express their dislikes without being nasty about it. Example 1: I dislike bullies. Example 2: All bullies are stupid, horrible, wastes of DNA that shouldn't be allowed to exist. Throw in some swear words, and there's a perfect example of negativity that needs to be addressed with some counseling where the victim learns healthy ways to deal with the anger AND the bullies.

Manner #7
Do not comment on other people's physical characteristics unless, of course, it's to compliment them, which is always welcome.

This also falls under the Thumper Rule. However, I'll expect it from children when I hear adults follow it. My self-image, or lack thereof, did not evolve on its own. Yes, children can be cruel, but so can adults. I have endeavored to follow this one, because I know how painful it is when others think they're "helping" me by being honest.

Manner #8
When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.

No argument on that one. However, there are people who will take advantage and see the question as an invitation to take over your life for the next half hour. It's also important to learn how to extricate one's self from such situations, politely. I must admit that with some people there simply is no polite way to handle it. That being said, I've also found that those people don't realize you're being rude unless you actually hit them or call them an unpleasant name. I know that some people are desperate for a friend, but one must also be a friend.

Manner #9
When you have spent time at your friend's house, remember to thank his or her parents for having you over and for the good time you had.

What if you didn't have a good time? I mean, I remember listening to my friend's parent yell at everyone. I figured a quiet exit was best. I have discovered the joys of gift cards. When I stay with my friends, I bring a gift card to thank them for having me, as well as saying it. That being said, it bears acknowledging that they taught me how by always having little gifts for me when I arrived. It made me feel expected and wanted. Now, the buying of the gift cards is part of the excitement of preparing for my travels. Another way to look at it as taking that bottle of wine when invited to dinner. I don't drink, so I try to bring something else, like a jar of homemade jam. There's always time to learn those nice touches.

Manner #10
Knock on closed doors -- and wait to see if there's a response -- before entering.

Trust me, this is not one I was taught. That is the purpose of locks on doors. I arranged for one on my bedroom door, this year, and I'm still tickled by my ability to lock my door. I really appreciate knocking on doors.

Manner #11
When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.

I have always done this one, even with caller ID, but can't tell you how often I'm not accorded the same consideration. I even knew people who took pleasure in the guessing game. I probably took too much pleasure in the fact that I've an ear for voices, and spoiled their fun.

Manner #12
Be appreciative and say "thank you" for any gift you receive. In the age of e-mail, a handwritten thank-you note can have a powerful effect.

Say thank you in the way the person prefers. I have friends who love the handwritten note and friends who prefer an email.

Manner #13
Never use foul language in front of adults. Grown-ups already know all those words, and they find them boring and unpleasant.

How about: Never use foul language.
If grownups really find such words boring and unpleasant, then why do they use them?
Foul language is used for two reasons: Habit and/or shock appeal. Really. Including shocking oneself.
I rarely used foul language until I owned a horse. It only takes being stepped on once by 1000 lbs of attitude to expand your vocabulary in ways you never imagined.

Manner #14
Don't call people mean names.

Thumper Rule. This one isn't as easy as it sounds, because sometimes the mean names are implied.

Manner #15
Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak, and ganging up on someone else is cruel.

This seems to be an extension of #14. Isn't calling a person a mean name often disguised as "I was only teasing?" Teasing is a delicate balance. It requires healthy boundaries and maturity. Teasing among friends is only funny when everyone is laughing, and I don't mean laughing to go along. My sister and I have had some hilarious dialogues, where we laughed so hard we cried, but we both know the parameters and stay within those parameters.

Manner #16
Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend that you are interested. The performers and presenters are doing their best.

Again, how is a child going to learn this if the adults don't do this? Movies, theater, concerts, church all have proper etiquette, but how many adults actually exercise the self-restraint? Besides the obvious no talking or whispering, which doesn't seem to be obvious to some, there is also turn off the phone off and put away your work. Rustling papers, texting, whatever it may be, in your effort to be efficient is distracting to those around you. You also broadcast to whomever you're with that they are less important. And even if that's the message you want to convey, please do not involve the innocent public in your game. Cowboy up and let them know you aren't interested.

Manner #17
If you bump into somebody, immediately say "Excuse me."

At the same time, teach your child to be aware that bumping is sometimes an opportunity for a grope, and they have the right to protect themselves. I was on a bus and a man sidled up to me, pressing against my back. I took a step back, ensuring my heel landed square in the middle of his foot. I quickly turned, and said, "Excuse me!" Funny, he backed right off.

Manner #18
Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and don't pick your nose in public.

If you're in the car, you're still in public. How about: Learn to use Kleenex. I admit that I'm having a bit of a time remembering the new way to cover your nose and mouth, with the inside of your elbow. I know it makes sense, but years of habit are hard to break, but I'll keep working on it.

Manner #19
As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.

Also prepare your child for that nitwit that will declare they can open the door without any help. Make sure your child knows they didn't do anything wrong. I always say, "Thank you." I really do appreciate that someone took a moment to think of someone else, namely me.

Manner #20
If you come across a parent, a teacher, or a neighbor working on something, ask if you can help. If they say "yes," do so -- you may learn something new.

Actually, this is kind of funny. Most children I know desperately want to help all the time. It is the adults who deny them the opportunity, and then wonder why children stop asking. For myself, I have to consider whether or not I will be any help. It annoys me when someone offers to help me simply because it is the "right" thing to do. It's a lie. They have offered a service that isn't available, for whatever reason. Do you actually have time to help? And yes, I've learned new things by helping out, but I've also found myself in really uncomfortable situations because they want help, but they want it done they're way, and they don't want to have to show me what their way is.

Manner #21
When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.

Healthy boundaries are so important. It's all right to say, "No." Really. Grumbling for some is considered a way of being funny, so I have to decide if I want to hear it. If the grumbling is leaning toward martyrdom, then I have to decide how much I need the help. Smiling generally makes any task a little more pleasant.

Manner #22
When someone helps you, say "thank you." That person will likely want to help you again. This is especially true with teachers!

Every time I read this, I dislike it more. So, saying thank you is a way to manipulate people into helping you again? And since when do teachers have the corner on the market for being helpful? Saying thank you for the help is about gratitude, appreciation, recognizing you didn't have to do it alone. Saying thank you isn't about the person you're thanking, it's about you, your attitude.

Manner #23
Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure how to do so, ask your parents to teach you or watch what adults do.

Manner #24
Keep a napkin on your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.

Manner #25
Don't reach for things at the table; ask to have them passed.

The last three are all about table etiquette. I wish I'd taken a class on that; they're offered.

The more I think about it, all these rules are about healthy boundaries and respect. Fortunately, some things are never too late to learn.