Last month, I asked, "Who am I?"

I've made some interesting discoveries, broad-ranging and sometimes surprising. Now, it seems the time has come, since the question has been asked, "What is my core value?" I'm a firm believer that people and situations cross our paths at specific times and it is up to me to decide if I will accept or reject the opportunity presented. It requires creating my own priorities... oh.

I think I've answered my own question, unexpectedly. My main source of income ended, earlier this year. If making money were my main concern, my core value, I would be jumping at every opportunity that has been thrown my way, regardless of how ridiculous some of the opportunities were.

Instead, I have doggedly pursued the path I believe God wishes me to take. He's certainly thrown me a bucketload of breadcrumbs to keep me on track. Those who don't know me well believe that I am lazy, irresponsible, ungrateful, and selfish. I used to try to explain myself, but have long since grown tired of having what I say misconstrued or thrown back at me or, worse, used against me. Because of many of my choices, I have been judged wanting, unworthy, falling short. So be it.

There was a time when my core value would have been revealed to be my furry children. I skipped doctor visits, groceries, vacations, and socializing when the need arose, with only a few brief regrets, but I would not have chosen differently. They were my living, breathing angel gifts from God. His proof that He loved me, and I still miss them terribly. A day never goes by without thinking of them, and wishing... it doesn't matter. Life is was it is. Once in a while, I pray God gives them an extra loving from me. And yes, they were used against me, to control me, to manipulate me, to punish me.

"What is my core value?" What is it for which I am willing to give up everything else? Family, those people I hold dear, regardless of blood ties, and God, but above all God. I know why it's difficult to acknowledge family considering how I've had to restructure my thinking in that regard, but I'm figuring it out. Even so, there are lines I have drawn, because I don't know how to be any other way.

God, on the other hand, requires a whole new way of accepting my perceptions. And it is only now that I'm beginning to recognize my parameters. I didn't think that God was a core value because my life isn't devoted to Him. I live my life, but not in the image of a devotee. I haven't done many of the basic things expected of someone considered dedicated to God, at least by the world's standards. So I believed I was lacking, until now. I'm far from perfect, but as difficult as the path before me is, I've struggled along it, day by day, even when it seems hopeless. I take another step, even if it's only a little crawl forward. And when I believe I can't possibly move forward another step, I turn it over to God, and He moves me forward, enough to keep me facing forward. I'm scared witless, but step into the darkness anyway. Sometimes, a candle is there, waiting, and sometimes only more darkness, but never without a sure knowledge that I am never alone. God will not take the steps for me, but He will stand with me, encouraging me, providing angels on earth to lift me. God is the core of who I am. Without Him, I am nothing.