Article in Time magazine...

Bullies This site does have a pop up ad, so should you choose to click on the link, keep that in mind. (I hate pop ups. Blocker usually catches it, but not always.) I did want to give credit where credit was due.

The article focuses on the damage bullies cause, more specifically in relation to children committing suicide to escape bullying. I can understand the desire. The article's writer took the perspective that children need to be taught empathy, early on. (I was annoyed that this was treated like it was a new concept, but I'm getting ahead of myself.) They quoted ancient history and various studies to prove it.

What I took from the article:

My first thought: Rubbish (toned down from what I really thought).

Next thought: Don't you dare victimize me any more than I already have been, i.e., I have no control, because it's all the bully's fault. They're putting everything on the bully. Bullies should have been taught differently. Bullies are created by lack of attention. Bullies... did you notice that now the bullies are the ones who are the victims? Because of bad parenting? Monkeys are so much better... The poets and musicians are so much better... Children in orphanages have no hope... rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, and did I mention it's rubbish? The writer gave the bullies even more power, by putting them in control, or more accurately, saying they can't help it because of the way they were raised. If only they'd been taught differently. RUBBISH.

If this premise were true, then every child of every abuser would grow up to be an abuser! Do some? Yes! But some do not! So, the premise is wrong. (They failed to mention the study that found that monkeys are capable of murdering other monkeys, so that wasn't a well-thought out example.)

From someone who grew up being bullied by parents, siblings, friends, acquaintances, and total strangers -- and don't say I wasn't: "You could be so pretty, if you just lost weight." "Shrew." (well, yes, that's true, because I was screaming at them to stop hitting me/pinching me) "Being friends with you isn't popular." "Pizza face." "Craters of the moon." "You're fat." "Crabby Appleton, rotten to the core." Isn't that a funny nickname? A small sampling.

Bullies should be held accountable for what they do: It's called assault. And don't give me that "boys will be boys" or "they're only playing." As long as excuses are made, then bullies will continue to thrive. They are great excuse makers. "I didn't know it would hurt them." "If they weren't so sensitive..."

As to what they say, free speech means they can say it. My freedom says I don't have to listen to it or believe it. I've tried disputing it, and it didn't turn out well because I'm not like them, which I take great comfort in realizing. As my self-confidence grows, the nasty words hurled at me mean less and less. For those who are wondering, there is a difference between free speech and verbal abuse, though bullies will claim free speech. It's another of those nasty excuses. Call it what it is. Bullying is abuse. I've heard parents use it, teachers, coaches, peers; television is notorious for verbal abuse, though they call it humor. Don't expect children to behave better than their examples.

One-forth of the article was spent comparing Spartan warrior training with music and book-focused Athens. Both civilizations have vanished from the earth. All that's left is their history. I felt like the writer seemed to see an opportunity to show off what they'd learned in a way that fit with the article, sort of, at least the point they wanted to make as opposed to addressing what they considered the real problem: lack of empathy. They used the quote that if a child can be trained to kill, then they can be trained to empathize. Well, duh. However, what does Sparta and Athens have to do with it? I know bookish sorts who are incredibly vindictive and warriors who are incredibly sensitive. So the brutal is horrible versus touchy-feely is best simply doesn't wash.

One-forth of the article focused on children in Romanian orphanages. Again, it seemed like the writer saw the stats and went, "Hey! that will work with this article." There was absolutely nothing there about those children being bullies, only that their development was different. How did this study in any way relate to teaching empathy early means less bullying? Except that it implies it can only be learned early? By the way... I read articles, long before 2007, about the importance of touch and attention in a baby's development. This is not new, breakthrough information.

I know families that were brutal and some of the children turned out brutal and some did not. There are children who grow up in a harsh punitive environment and are incredibly empathetic. They develop the attitude of: Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt and am not passing it on. And there are children who grow up in "ideal" conditions and turn out to be monsters.

Why did this writer say nothing about what's on television? The games that are so popular? Am I going to advocate banning television or gaming? No. I know plenty of people who watch television and play games who are not bullies.

I've been bullied, and I've done some bullying. Yes. I admit it. And I'm ashamed of what I did. Fortunately, the friendship survived it.

Here's the important question: Why did I do it? I wanted to feel smart, important. I wanted to be right.
Even more important: Why did I stop? I may have been smart and right, but I didn't feel important because my friend withdrew from me. I decided the friendship was more important.
What I learned: This same friend repeatedly defended me to people I didn't even know were dissing me. My friend didn't agree with my beliefs but knew what they were and defended them because she believed in me. And that nasty little bullying I did? I found myself defending my friend over exactly the things I'd once criticized her for believing.

What I finally learned, when I was a teenager: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I suspect the writer didn't refer to this because it's too religious. And yes, I've heard it warped by the bullies: "Go ahead and hit me; I don't care" or some variation thereof, used to justify what they do to others.

Here's the article, without all the rubbish: Bullies need to learn empathy, aka, the Golden Rule, and the earlier the better.

Finally, why was this such a huge hot button for me? I mean, when I read it, I wanted to explode. Answer: I saw Lara Logan's interview about how she was raped and beaten in Egypt while she was reporting on the "peaceful" revolution. Multiple media outlets were filming this "wonderful" event at the same place and time as this brutal attack. What is peaceful or wonderful about rape? Where is the hue and cry about what happened to her? Where are those who scream about human rights? Where are those who scream about equal rights for women? Where are those who scream about sharing the planet peacefully? Where are those who are screaming about stopping bullies? And we wonder why bullying continues? What must children think when they see adults ignore such vicious brutality? What hope is there for them when the neighborhood bully simply wants their lunch money, again?

My thoughts and prayers are with Lara Logan and her family. She reminded me of the importance of not giving up, no matter what. Not fighting doesn't mean you have given up, sometimes it means choosing life over death. She has become one of my heroes.