Manners revisited...the original...without comments

Feel free to compare to what was published on May 13, 2011.

SEAL Sleuths article from Yahoo. I thought is was interesting, so I'm sharing it. Actually, it ties in with my own Quest for the truth. The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. Tell the truth anyway. I'm endeavoring to make this one of my mantras.

A valid complaint was made about yesterday's post on good manners. I agreed, and decided that maybe a rewrite needed to be done. First thing that should be pointed out is that these rules aren't only for children. I cannot express how much I enjoy listening to an adult be polite, and think, I want to be more like that. I'm not particularly good at it, but it's on the to-do list. If I were a parent, my thought is: Children learn by example, and it's my responsibility to teach them about honor and respect. Now, I'm going over this list in terms of teaching myself.

Manner #1
When asking for something, say "Please."
Manner #2
When receiving something, say "Thank you."

Yes, to both of these. And not in a snarky tone of voice. If that tone of voice is going to be used, then the words might as well not be said. However, it can be fun. On more than one occasion, my sister and I have found ourselves laughing so hard we cry as we share sarcastic dialogues.

Manner #3
Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.

Maybe in the author's world this happens, but often it does not. I know too many adults who enjoy making others wait. A short wait is polite, but I've known adults who will not acknowledge you. I can only guess that it makes them feel powerful and in control. Pathetic, really, but my time is valuable as well. So, I try to wait until a break in the conversation. But I have dealt with a few control freaks, who have turned their back rather than acknowledge a new person's presence.

Just for the record, there are a few people I don't acknowledge, in self-preservation. Turning the other cheek does not require me to be a doormat. That's a whole other kettle of fish.

Manner #4
If you do need to get somebody's attention right away, the phrase "excuse me" is the most polite way for you to enter the conversation.

"Pardon me" and "I'm sorry to interrupt" also work nicely, all spoken sincerely. Yes, that has to be clarified.

Manner #5
When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.

Clearly, the writer grew up in a perfectly fair world. Sometimes asking permission meant a lecture because I should have already known the answer. It didn't matter if I did or not, it was determined that I should have known. That being said, I've also had to deal with those who were afraid of appearing stupid so refused to ask. I have had people try to embarrass me by making me sound stupid for asking. I remind myself that's their problem, not mine.

Manner #6
The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.

This was what started the re-write possess. Thanks, Jonsi, for your comments. When I read this, my first thought was the Thumper Rule: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I'd like a lot more adults to follow this one. That being said, this is an extremely confusing "rule." Disliking something is not necessarily a negative opinion. I dislike bullies, so am I being negative? Really? Instead, it would be better to teach children and adults how to express their dislikes without being nasty about it. Example 1: I dislike bullies. Example 2: All bullies are stupid, horrible, wastes of DNA that shouldn't be allowed to exist. Throw in some swear words, and there's a perfect example of negativity that needs to be addressed with some counseling, where the victim learns healthy ways to deal with their anger AND with said bullies.

Manner #7
Do not comment on other people's physical characteristics unless, of course, it's to compliment them, which is always welcome.

This also falls under the Thumper Rule. However, I'll expect it from children when I hear adults follow it. My self-image, or lack thereof, did not evolve on its own. Yes, children can be cruel, but so can adults. I have endeavored to follow this one, because I know how painful it is when others think they're "helping" me by being honest.

Manner #8
When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.

No argument on that one, though with some people, asking them how they are is seen as an invitation to take over the next half hour. I'm having to learn how to extricate myself with grace. Remind me to post about doing things with grace.

Manner #9
When you have spent time at your friend's house, remember to thank his or her parents for having you over and for the good time you had.

What if you didn't have a good time? I remember listening to my friend's parent yell at everyone. I figured a quiet exit was best. That being said, when I stay with my friends now, I bring a gift card to thank them for having me, as well as saying it. There's always time to learn those nice touches. By the way, they taught me by arranging a few little gifts for me upon my arrival. Buying the gift cards is now part of the fun of preparing for the trip.

Manner #10
Knock on closed doors -- and wait to see if there's a response -- before entering.

Trust me, this is not one I was taught. That is the purpose of locks on doors. I arranged for one on mine, this year, and I'm still tickled by my ability to lock my door, though it doesn't work if I don't lock the door. Practice.

Manner #11
When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.

I have always done this, even with caller ID, but can't tell you how often I'm not accorded the same consideration. I even knew people who took pleasure in the guessing game. The problem was that I've an ear for voices, so I spoiled their game.

Manner #12
Be appreciative and say "thank you" for any gift you receive. In the age of e-mail, a handwritten thank-you note can have a powerful effect.

Say thank you in the way the person prefers. I have friends who love the handwritten note and friends who prefer an email. And remember that gifts can be time, advice, inspiration, etc.

Manner #13
Never use foul language in front of adults. Grown-ups already know all those words, and they find them boring and unpleasant.

How about: Never use foul language.
If grownups really find the words boring and unpleasant, then why do they use them?
Foul language is used for two reasons: Habit and/or shock appeal.
I rarely used foul language until I owned a horse. It only takes being stepped on once by 1000 lbs of attitude to expand your vocabulary in ways you never imagined.

Manner #14
Don't call people mean names.

This is tougher than you think. I didn't realize until I wrote out my negative tape - the one that plays in my head - and I realized how many weren't actually said but implied.

Manner #15
Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak, and ganging up on someone else is cruel.

This seems to be an extension of #14. Isn't calling a person a mean name often disguised as "I was only teasing?" This is another learn-by-example. Television is notorious for using teasing as humor. I've often seen children teasing other children because they truly thought it was funny. It was what they'd seen adults do, and it's what they've seen on TV. I've also seen people belittle themselves in the name of teasing. It's a fine line. Teasing requires boundaries and a mature understanding between those involved.

Manner #16
Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend that you are interested. The performers and presenters are doing their best.

Again, how is a child going to learn this if the adults don't do this? Movies, theater, concerts, church: Besides not talking and whispering, turn off the phone, and put away your work. I don't care how efficient you're trying to be, it is distracting to those around you.

Manner #17
If you bump into somebody, immediately say "Excuse me."

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that bumping is sometimes an opportunity for a grope. I had to learn I had the right to protect myself. I was on a bus and a man sidled up to me, pressing against my back. I took a step back, ensuring my heel landed square in the middle of his foot. I promptly turned and said, "Excuse me!" Funny, he backed right off. Maybe what needs to be taught is that saying "excuse me" is a part of respecting boundaries.

Manner #18
Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and don't pick your nose in public.

If you're in the car, you're still in public. How about: Use a Kleenex. Every time I take public transportation and someone boards with a hacking cough, I know I'm going to have a cold within days.

Manner #19
As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.

There are those nitwits that will declare they can open the door without any help. I always thank whoever held the door for me.

Manner #20
If you come across a parent, a teacher, or a neighbor working on something, ask if you can help. If they say "yes," do so -- you may learn something new.

Actually, this is kind of funny. Most children I know desperately want to help, all the time. It is the adults who deny them the opportunity, and then wonder why children stop asking. Before I ask, I have to decide if I will be of any use. I absolutely hate having someone ask if they can help when they can't, for whatever reason. Why ask? That isn't being polite, it's lying, because a service is being offered that isn't available. On the other end of this: If you don't want help, it's okay to say no thank you. If you do want help, then clearly define the help you want. Are you willing to let the person do it their way? Or do you expect them to do it your way? Are you willing to teach them your way? Knowing you re-did what you had me do is annoying because it means you wasted my time.

Manner #21
When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.

Good advice. If you're going to help, then it's more pleasant for everyone if you aren't complaining. However, remember that you have the right to say "no." I've been asked to do things as a way to prove who was in control. I learned to say, "No," rather than grumble. Some people enjoy grumbling, and if you know that ahead of time, it's easier. It drives me crazy when the grumbling is a form of martyrdom. I'd rather not have the "help."

Manner #22
When someone helps you, say "thank you." That person will likely want to help you again. This is especially true with teachers!

So "thank you" is a tool, to ensure future cooperation? And especially true with teachers? When did teachers become a different species from other adults? Most people like to be appreciated, and are more likely to repeat a pleasant experience.

Manner #23
Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure how to do so, ask your parents to teach you or watch what adults do.

Manner #24
Keep a napkin on your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.

Manner #25
Don't reach for things at the table; ask to have them passed.

The last three all pertain to table manners. I wish I'd taken one of those etiquette classes; it would have saved me some embarrassment later. That being said, one of the things I learned at the family dinner table was to laugh and hold milk in my mouth without spraying. It has proven more useful than almost anything else. I actually knew someone who prided herself on making someone else laugh as they were taking a drink, thereby making a mess. The person who made the mess felt obligated to clean it up. I took great pleasure in disappointing her.

This has been a great exercise. With all that being said, I realized that every single thing had its roots in respect.