I needed a smile...

And you're being forced to join in. Power. Control. Mwahahaha... Ehem... I really, really need a smile. Thank you FB! This simply makes me feel better.

Prayer life...

This has made an appearance because I've been working on mine, and I have a few friends who want to improve theirs.

Starting from ground zero: No prayer life. Actually, I don't really know what that's like. I have carried on conversations with God all my life. That being said, there have been times of low communication, and it wasn't when I was angry with God. The most likely time for me not to pray is when I don't feel like I have the right to approach the throne of God. Handy little tool of the adversary's that.

Prayer was difficult after I lost my horse, and again after I lost my dog. They were with God, and I couldn't be there. I didn't now how to pray without weeping, so prayer became very surface. "Just checkin' in God. I'm still here, and I still don't want to talk about it, because I'll cry."

God will wait.

Once I felt like I was ready to start praying more formally, I found myself without a thought in my head. Really. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to pray for myself, because I knew what I'd ask wasn't possible.

Probably a good place to mention that I prayed all my life to find someone with whom I could share my life, have a family. It didn't happen. All the promises about God answering prayers (yes, I realize that God sometimes says, no) including the ones about if you're praying for something good, then He will give it to you, in His time. It's all I'd prayed for sometimes. I hadn't figured out my deeper dream, yet.

So what do you do? I could do gratitude prayers. Even after the loss of my furry children, I was thankful for friends and work. But that's a benefactor, not a relationship. I knew I needed more. What was the next step?

I tried praying for me again, and found those old questions filtering through. When am I going to marry? Having children is becoming less and less likely. I'm seriously messed up. I don't want to enter a marriage this messed up, because the type of person I attract scares me silly.

Stepped back. Went back to gratitude prayers, but was quickly back to needing more.

I was blessed with new friends. They asked me to pray for them. I could do that. They asked me to pray for their friends and family. I could do that. They asked me to pray for people on their prayer list. I could do that. It only took a moment. There was no excuse not to take that moment to offer a prayer for them.

I still couldn't pray for me. My life was such a mess. I was working to straighten it out, but I didn't even know where to start. Counseling helped me sort, and I could pray to ask for help with the homework assignments given by my counseling.

Then August 2010, I was encouraged to try a 40 days and nights challenge. There were several things on the list, but I chose to focus on praying on my knees, every day. Every 40 days, I start over. I have it on my calendar, which sends me a reminder. Every day I go in and change which day it is, so I receive a new reminder the next day. I don't delete the reminder until I've said my prayers. At first, they were quick prayers, right before I went to bed, because I'd forgotten all day long. But gradually, it's lengthened, so has my prayer list. I actually remember to pray first thing in the morning, sometimes.

This last year, I knew I needed to pray for me. That was when I started the exploration of what is it I truly want from God. Children are off the table; I'm too old. Marriage is unlikely; when would I have time? So what was it I wanted? After months of searching, I finally realized that what I wanted more than anything was to be a blessing. I have no trouble praying for help with that.

Now, all that being said, I have talked to God all my life. One of the things I loved about my horse was going out every morning to take care of him, and talking to God the whole time. Telling Him what my plans for the day were. Asking Him to bless my horse and my dog. Thanking Him for the beauty of the day and for my horse and my dog and and and and and... How did I form that habit? In high school, in one of my religion classes, there was a story about someone praying but not closing the prayer. So, I stopped closing the prayer, until the end of the day. I close my prayers now, but I have a running dialogue on the side.

God knows everything. I can't tell Him anything He doesn't already know. Prayer isn't about telling Him or informing Him. Prayer is about me doing what is within my power to develop and strengthen my relationship with Him. He will do His part. Every single time. He will never falter. I may not understand some of the things He lets slide and some of the things He doesn't, but He is perfect. I'm not. This is about me acknowledging that I'm not, and that I need His help. This is about me doing my part to make this relationship work. There is so much I cannot do. Prayer is such a simple, small, seemingly insignificant thing, and yet it is connecting to God who is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving.

When I refuse to pray, it saddens God, but it doesn't diminish Him in the least. It diminishes me, and locks me in a dark, silent room, with a door that only I am able to open. And all I have to do is say, "Our Father Who Art In Heaven..." and "God..." works, too.

Carpe diem... No NASCAR...

Alas no NASCAR. Didn't want to let go, yet. Sigh. Okay, moving on.

What I plan to accomplish, today, keeping in mind that PLAN is a four-letter word:

~Read
~Projects
~Bake cookies. I'm out. Tragedy!
~Laundry

Have I mentioned that I love the Funny Cat Photos widget? ;-D




Done.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #79

~Matthew West's Strong Enough http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knuHDPbE5es&NR=1

~Friends with whom I am able to share my heart.

~Laughter that comes from deep inside, true and honest. It isn't the same as the laughter that is there for show.

~Amazing, delicious food.

~Beautiful days.

I think this is post #500. Wow. What a chatterbox. :-)

My Heroes... Abuse Survivors...

Abuse survivors who choose to be chain breakers, to not pass the abuse along to another victim.

This post could/will be triggering for some readers, as it addresses issues of sexual abuse. Do I think someone's child could read it? With an adult. It won't contain much that hasn't been in the news recently. It would be a good opportunity to talk about boundaries and respect for self and others. If you haven't been abused yourself, you know someone who has been, even if you don't realize it. When I was growing up the statistics stated that 1 in 4 to 1 in 3 girls and boys do not make it out of their teen years without being sexually abused. I've heard more recent statistics that suggest that the number is greatly underestimated, because so much is unreported. For far too many, it is not a one-time event but repeated.

Many of the following thoughts have been hanging around in a rough draft for a long time, waiting until I felt ready to share them. It's ugly, and it's painful. There comes a time when you have to stop pretending like that elephant isn't in the living room. It's there, and I'm willing to talk about, even when it's uncomfortable.

Tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable... was the original title of this post. I didn't want to use heroes; I don't see myself that way. I've fretted and waffled and squirmed, then decided to post on a day and a weekend that will see little traffic here. This is not pretty or fun. I debated with myself. I know some people will see me differently. I know that this will burn some bridges. How do I know I need to follow through, no matter how difficult? It lays on my heart like a weight. So, I pray God will be able to use what I write here to help someone step onto the path of healing or turn a stumbling block into a stepping stone.

Never underestimate the power of telling the truth. That being said, “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.” – Barry Stevens, born Mildred Fox.

The trigger for me: What's been going on with Penn State started it. An expose on a different incident on the news. And then a place I enjoy visiting shared a picture for the picture itself, without taking into account the words on the picture. I could have simply stopped going, saying nothing. But I couldn't remain silent and stated that being a sexual abuse survivor, the implications made me cry. The picture was removed with an apology. There are plenty of things that don't appeal to me, and I have the right not to look. And have done so on numerous occasions, without a problem. Not this time. It triggered flashbacks. I was trembling, and crying, and felt crushed and betrayed. And it wasn't about them. It was me recognizing that I had established boundaries that were violated, however unwittingly, and I had to take hold of my courage with both hands and stand up for me without being nasty about it. I don't know how successful I was. I still feel out of sorts. I want to feel proud of myself for standing up for me, but I simply feel tired and sad about the whole thing.

I know, I've left out a lot of information. The details don't actually matter, because if it hadn't been this, it would have been something else. And to be honest, this post is more for me than anyone else. I needed to know how far I've come in my journey to healing.

What I learned from the experience: I have a line that I will not cross, not for any reason. And that line isn't where I thought it was. I now know the defining difference between my no-go areas as opposed to my prefer-not-to-go areas. I will not remain silent anymore. I am willing to be vulnerable, and making that choice strengthens me even as it scares me. Others may be embarrassed or uncomfortable with my decision to speak out, but I will not be ashamed anymore. I never should have been in the first place, but it's a difficult lie to overcome.

I read an article that questioned whether or not sexual abuse really was abuse. It is, but it isn’t about sex; it’s about power. Disgusting, despicable, evil. EVIL. The sex is used to humiliate and control. Something good and sacred is turned to filth and evil. It’s the final violation of all boundaries, because it is inflicted on the body and the mind and the spirit. It’s a brutal attack on trust. There is no excuse. These degenerate, depraved individuals need psychological help, and if they still aren’t able to grow a conscience, then they need to be put in jail in order to protect society from their perverted insanity.

Ritual abuse is real and is usually wrapped up in church rituals, to glean trust and respectability, though there are other forms of it as well. You only have to see the face of evil once to know how real it is. This is not spirituality; this is evil all dressed up in pretty clothes to make it more palatable. These liars go hand-in-hand with those who declare that sex between adults and children is perfectly normal and causes the children no harm, because it's all love. How Evil must laugh with glee for cloaking itself so cleverly.

Incest isn't only between parents and children. It's often between siblings, or close relatives. Family is supposed to be the relationship of trust on which we build all others. Someone who is trusted and loved violates their power and authority over someone who should be protected. Again, they will call it love, but an honest lover does not destroy the loved one. And that is what must be done for this behavior to continue. The victim must be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually crushed in order for the predator to maintain power and control. The predator will always blame the victim, and lie without compunction.

I saw a recent report about how victims are encouraged to call the police. I scoffed and shook my head at the ignorance regarding victims. Some will, but most will not. The victim is brutally taught that it is their fault, and that they are to blame.

The following quote was made in regards to a Washington scandal, but is an accurate statement regarding predators: Kirsten Powers wrote - "But even if I could see past the lying and extreme narcissism that is noteworthy even by Washington standards, there is the issue of his attitude toward women. What has emerged is a picture of a predator trolling the Internet for women—some half his age—with which to engage in cybersex.... This is not about sex. It’s about dominating and inflicting physical pain on a woman, a fantasy the hard-core porn industry makes billions of dollars on selling to men."

Talking with my dear friend, the other day, we both realized that the problem with calling it sexual abuse is that it isn't about sex. It's about power. Power to control, manipulate, and destroy another human being for the predator's own ends. They can rename it, disguise it, try to normalize it all they want, calling it love or affection or obsession or irresistible, but it's a lie all the same. It's the attempted murder of a soul. And sometimes it succeeds, when you consider how many abuse victims commit suicide, because they can't live with what happened.

Penn State certainly isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened, and it won't be the last. How does this evil continue to perpetuate? "It's a secret." It's shameful. It's horrific. It's someone else. It couldn't possibly be true. Excuse me? Why not? But go ahead and choose your excuse of the day. Maybe if we pretend it isn't there, it will go away. It won't.

The only way to end this evil is to drag it into the light, and not allow it to crawl back into the safety of darkness.

Sunlight is a great sanitizer, and the Son's Light is the perfect sanitizer.

Black Friday...

...or not.

To those out shopping till you drop, have fun!!

I'm staying home, to enjoy leftovers from yesterday's dinner. The day was fantastic. My friend and I went to dinner at Cracker Barrel, and had their Thanksgiving special. Yummy!! Then we chatted, for hours. Around dinner time, we had a slice of pumpkin pie, with whip cream. Yummy! We talked about everything and anything, with a bit of Christmas music playing in the background. By the time I headed home, our throats were sore, and we could have talked for several more hours. A very blessed day.

Once I returned home, I hopped onto the internet to see what catching up I needed to do, and found the following picture in my Funny Cat Photos widget, and thought of more wonderful friends who helped to make this holiday one of gratitude for the rich blessings in my life, of which my friends are among the dearest.

Week Twenty-Two of REAL...

The 18th: weigh in: 237.2 lb. Likin' this. One SEAL puppy rep.

The 19th: weigh in: 237.4 lb. One SEAL puppy rep. One-mile walk.

The 20th: weigh in: 238.8 lb. Wait a minute... Actually, I know what happened. Stress. Nasty critter.

The 21st: weigh in: 236.8 lb. More stress, but of a very different variety. The Sprint Cup Chase was the best EVER, nail biting all the way to the end. Who could eat? One-SEAL puppy rep.

The 22nd: weigh in 237.2 lb. I'm liking the changing in sleeping. It's actually reduced some stress.

The 23rd: weigh in: 237 lb. Two SEAL puppy reps. The new schedule is a bit strange, but it seems to be working for me. We'll see how I do over the holidays. So far, so good.

The 24th: weigh in: 236.6 lb. Waist circumference: 40". Wow. So, this is what happens when you finally decide to follow you're heart's work. Cool. :-)

Happy Thanksgiving! May you be blessed with peace and joy and friendship and laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. May God bless our troops and their families, for they are the ones that have too often made the ultimate sacrifice for freedom and liberty.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Since tomorrow is REAL, I'm starting Thanksgiving a day early. Every Sunday, I have my list of the things for which I'm grateful.

This Thanksgiving will be unlike any I've ever known. I'm sharing it with a friend. I'm looking forward to lots of chatting and laughing. I don't care what we eat. I'm going to be allowed to be myself wholly and completely. That is truly something for which to be grateful.

Sometimes, when God closes a door, He opens a window. And sometimes He closes a window and opens double doors. But those double doors may look incredibly scary. That being said, the doors are wide enough for me to put my hand in God's and walk through with Him.

This was taken 15-20 years ago, and about 70-80 lb lighter. (Never noticed before that it's the weight of my dog.) My baby has been gone from this life for five years, and I still miss her desperately. I am so grateful God gave her to me for seventeen incredible years. I would never have made it through some of the insanity I did without her. Who would take care of her, if anything happened to me? She was my angel from God, my living reminder that He loves me and is aware of me. Thanks, God, for blessing me with such a precious angel child. They say that dogs and their owners look alike. I always wished I was as pretty as she was. She taught me to be enthusiastic about the little things, patient in the everyday annoyances, and love no matter what with all that you are. She also taught me to be aware that though some people look friendly, they aren't and to stay away. It just took me a little longer to figure that one out. In my prayers, from time to time, I ask God to throw a ball for her, or hide a treat, or give her a cuddle because He can do what I can't.

Too cute not to share...

...and today's the perfect day for it. I think I saw it on FaceBook.

Carpe diem... NASCAR...

NASCAR ~ Nationwide ~ For the record, Ricky Stenhouse Jr won the championship. In Saturday's race, Carl came in 3rd. Sprint Cup ~ Homestead ~ Last race of the season ~ Carl had the pole to start. In-car camera with Carl! Whoohoo! Tony Stewart won the race and the championship. Congratulations! And Carl came in second in the race and the championship. Well done!! Looking forward next Season, starting in February.

What will I accomplish, today? Hard to say. Family is visiting for the week, so the schedule has been turned topsy-turvy. I will read and work on some projects.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #78

~Amazing Grace by Andre Rieu http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zyknt8-THM8&feature=share

~Faith to follow Jesus, no matter what.

~Incredible, supportive friends.

~Jimmy Thomas calender and more yummy pictures made it through the USPS unspoiled.

~Unexpected possibilities.

I have no idea where this picture came from. It showed up in one of my widgets, and I thought it breathtaking; still do, every time I see it.