Prayer life...

This has made an appearance because I've been working on mine, and I have a few friends who want to improve theirs.

Starting from ground zero: No prayer life. Actually, I don't really know what that's like. I have carried on conversations with God all my life. That being said, there have been times of low communication, and it wasn't when I was angry with God. The most likely time for me not to pray is when I don't feel like I have the right to approach the throne of God. Handy little tool of the adversary's that.

Prayer was difficult after I lost my horse, and again after I lost my dog. They were with God, and I couldn't be there. I didn't now how to pray without weeping, so prayer became very surface. "Just checkin' in God. I'm still here, and I still don't want to talk about it, because I'll cry."

God will wait.

Once I felt like I was ready to start praying more formally, I found myself without a thought in my head. Really. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to pray for myself, because I knew what I'd ask wasn't possible.

Probably a good place to mention that I prayed all my life to find someone with whom I could share my life, have a family. It didn't happen. All the promises about God answering prayers (yes, I realize that God sometimes says, no) including the ones about if you're praying for something good, then He will give it to you, in His time. It's all I'd prayed for sometimes. I hadn't figured out my deeper dream, yet.

So what do you do? I could do gratitude prayers. Even after the loss of my furry children, I was thankful for friends and work. But that's a benefactor, not a relationship. I knew I needed more. What was the next step?

I tried praying for me again, and found those old questions filtering through. When am I going to marry? Having children is becoming less and less likely. I'm seriously messed up. I don't want to enter a marriage this messed up, because the type of person I attract scares me silly.

Stepped back. Went back to gratitude prayers, but was quickly back to needing more.

I was blessed with new friends. They asked me to pray for them. I could do that. They asked me to pray for their friends and family. I could do that. They asked me to pray for people on their prayer list. I could do that. It only took a moment. There was no excuse not to take that moment to offer a prayer for them.

I still couldn't pray for me. My life was such a mess. I was working to straighten it out, but I didn't even know where to start. Counseling helped me sort, and I could pray to ask for help with the homework assignments given by my counseling.

Then August 2010, I was encouraged to try a 40 days and nights challenge. There were several things on the list, but I chose to focus on praying on my knees, every day. Every 40 days, I start over. I have it on my calendar, which sends me a reminder. Every day I go in and change which day it is, so I receive a new reminder the next day. I don't delete the reminder until I've said my prayers. At first, they were quick prayers, right before I went to bed, because I'd forgotten all day long. But gradually, it's lengthened, so has my prayer list. I actually remember to pray first thing in the morning, sometimes.

This last year, I knew I needed to pray for me. That was when I started the exploration of what is it I truly want from God. Children are off the table; I'm too old. Marriage is unlikely; when would I have time? So what was it I wanted? After months of searching, I finally realized that what I wanted more than anything was to be a blessing. I have no trouble praying for help with that.

Now, all that being said, I have talked to God all my life. One of the things I loved about my horse was going out every morning to take care of him, and talking to God the whole time. Telling Him what my plans for the day were. Asking Him to bless my horse and my dog. Thanking Him for the beauty of the day and for my horse and my dog and and and and and... How did I form that habit? In high school, in one of my religion classes, there was a story about someone praying but not closing the prayer. So, I stopped closing the prayer, until the end of the day. I close my prayers now, but I have a running dialogue on the side.

God knows everything. I can't tell Him anything He doesn't already know. Prayer isn't about telling Him or informing Him. Prayer is about me doing what is within my power to develop and strengthen my relationship with Him. He will do His part. Every single time. He will never falter. I may not understand some of the things He lets slide and some of the things He doesn't, but He is perfect. I'm not. This is about me acknowledging that I'm not, and that I need His help. This is about me doing my part to make this relationship work. There is so much I cannot do. Prayer is such a simple, small, seemingly insignificant thing, and yet it is connecting to God who is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving.

When I refuse to pray, it saddens God, but it doesn't diminish Him in the least. It diminishes me, and locks me in a dark, silent room, with a door that only I am able to open. And all I have to do is say, "Our Father Who Art In Heaven..." and "God..." works, too.