Interesting question.
Being an abuse survivor, trust does not come easily, if it comes at all. That being said, my first thought was, “God.” Then I had to be honest with myself that I don’t entirely trust God. That is to say, I don’t trust myself to always hear God’s inspiration, and I certainly don’t always trust what He has in store for me. Some part of me believes that He will see me though. He knows that; I have to trust.
An abuse survivor knows that help does not always come in time. I had to come to terms with not having been protected, and a terrible price paid: Loss of trust. Loss of trust in God, in others, in myself.
It has only been the last few years that I have come to terms with the fact that God’s idea of saving me does not coincide with my idea. God sees struggles differently than I do. I worry about whether or not I am strong enough, but God knows and wants me to figure out for myself what I will do with what happens to me. Will I allow Him to heal me and take me in directions I can’t even imagine, or will I lament my lack of understanding, and focus on my failings? The latter is easier, and in some ways not as scary. God’s ways are not the easy ways.
Trusting God is not something that simply happens. It takes work, and effort. I test God, often. I know there are those who would condemn me, but they aren't my judge; God is. My relationship with God is between Him and me. And I know He is willing to do whatever is necessary, whatever it takes, to see me through the difficulties that will make me stronger and bring me closer to Him, bring me Home, if I am willing to be courageous and fight for our relationship.
Whenever I want to whine about how difficult it is, thoughts of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ being unfairly tried, Christ being beaten, Christ being hung on the cross for crimes He did not commit tend to shut me up. That isn't to say that I turn all Miss Merry Sunshine and everything is wonderful. Instead, I allow myself to recognize that life is painful, but that isn't a bad thing. I wouldn't call it a good thing, either, but it's important to recognize the difference between good and evil. Many bad things aren't evil. Having seen the face of evil, I know there's a difference. In the world, today, there is a trend toward pretending that there is no evil. The adversary must laugh with glee. Evil is real.
God will win. I trust that.
Everyday, I endeavor to choose God's side. Overall, I think I'm successful in that. Not perfect, but I've never claimed to be perfect. I'm not even trying to be perfect; I'm trying to be a blessing. I don't think perfection, except as it is in God, is a blessing to anyone.
God has blessed me with some amazing friends, whom I trust. The trust did not come easily. There are lots of other people I don't trust. Trust is not a right, but a privilege. Trust must be earned. Even God doesn't expect blind trust: John 7:17 "If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God..."
And no, I don’t entirely trust myself. I was repeatedly taught to question myself, unmercifully. It has taken a lot of work and effort to regain my trust in myself. Interestingly enough, I’m discovering that as my trust in God increases, so does my trust in myself. I am His.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Carpe diem... NASCAR too...
NASCAR ~ Nationwide race Carl came in second. Yay! Sprint Cup race: Race Buddy once again had an in-car camera in Carl's car!! Whoohoo! Love it! And he finished fifth! Top five is a good finish. Carl is still tied for first in the race for the championship! Go Carl!! Cool... Carl thanked his team and the support of his fans on Facebook. Fun. :-)
Plans for the day:
~Rest
~Projects
~Reading
And in celebration of fall and the need for warm feet:
Plans for the day:
~Rest
~Projects
~Reading
And in celebration of fall and the need for warm feet:
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thank Goodness It's Sunday #72
~My sister is a 10-year survivor.
~Participating in the Race for the Cure with my sister.
~Time alone.
~Rain.
~Cooler weather.
The high school reunion is almost over. I didn't attend. There were lots of reasons and rationalizations. Some truer than others. As I looked at the pictures that were posted, I felt the anxiety rise. I didn't recognize anyone at first. Then I saw a few faces I could put a name to, but I couldn't think of a single event in which we had interacted. Not one. Not that there hadn't been any, but I simply didn't remember much of anything but brief flashes, most of which didn't make much sense. It was time to be honest with myself.
I had been taught to be a chameleon, blend in, don't draw attention to yourself, be what "they" need you to be, no matter what. Now that I've given up the role, it's difficult to recall all the intricate and not-so intricate details required to play that role.
My indecision was based in the desire to please the friends who wanted to see me, and my own curiosity, versus the reality that I couldn't afford it, and I would find myself thrown into a stressful social situation I did not know how to navigate. I saw the venues in the pictures and realized that my slight hearing loss would have been enough to isolate me, because it would have been incredibly difficult to hear anyone. I would have been back in the lies, nodding and laughing at things I hadn't actually heard. And there I'd be back playing the role of chameleon. It isn't a role I choose to play anymore.
~Participating in the Race for the Cure with my sister.
~Time alone.
~Rain.
~Cooler weather.
The high school reunion is almost over. I didn't attend. There were lots of reasons and rationalizations. Some truer than others. As I looked at the pictures that were posted, I felt the anxiety rise. I didn't recognize anyone at first. Then I saw a few faces I could put a name to, but I couldn't think of a single event in which we had interacted. Not one. Not that there hadn't been any, but I simply didn't remember much of anything but brief flashes, most of which didn't make much sense. It was time to be honest with myself.
I had been taught to be a chameleon, blend in, don't draw attention to yourself, be what "they" need you to be, no matter what. Now that I've given up the role, it's difficult to recall all the intricate and not-so intricate details required to play that role.
My indecision was based in the desire to please the friends who wanted to see me, and my own curiosity, versus the reality that I couldn't afford it, and I would find myself thrown into a stressful social situation I did not know how to navigate. I saw the venues in the pictures and realized that my slight hearing loss would have been enough to isolate me, because it would have been incredibly difficult to hear anyone. I would have been back in the lies, nodding and laughing at things I hadn't actually heard. And there I'd be back playing the role of chameleon. It isn't a role I choose to play anymore.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
How do you know...
...God is watching out for you?
I did laundry the other day. I usually leave it out all day to dry. Around noon, I thought, "You need to check and see if it's dry so you can bring it in." I thought one of the t-shirts was damp, but checked it again after gathering everything else. It was dry, so everything came in. Two hours later, a dust storm blew through. My clean clothes were already put away.
I mentioned the other day that the power went out for five minutes, and I didn't handle it well. It went out again, right after midnight. I woke up. Turned off my computer and unplugged it along with the modem and the television. I also turned off the A/C. I then called the electric company. A recorded message informed me that the power would be out approximately 2-1/2 hours. Ugh. Please God, no. Then I called my sister. Bless her. She talked to me for an hour. She needed sleep. We hung up. I grabbed a book, and not five minutes later, the power was back. I'd enjoyed having the door open to the cool night air and the chat. Thanks God for taking care of me.
I did laundry the other day. I usually leave it out all day to dry. Around noon, I thought, "You need to check and see if it's dry so you can bring it in." I thought one of the t-shirts was damp, but checked it again after gathering everything else. It was dry, so everything came in. Two hours later, a dust storm blew through. My clean clothes were already put away.
I mentioned the other day that the power went out for five minutes, and I didn't handle it well. It went out again, right after midnight. I woke up. Turned off my computer and unplugged it along with the modem and the television. I also turned off the A/C. I then called the electric company. A recorded message informed me that the power would be out approximately 2-1/2 hours. Ugh. Please God, no. Then I called my sister. Bless her. She talked to me for an hour. She needed sleep. We hung up. I grabbed a book, and not five minutes later, the power was back. I'd enjoyed having the door open to the cool night air and the chat. Thanks God for taking care of me.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Week Fifteen of REAL...
The 30th: weigh in: 239.8 lb. I'm healthy. I don't need to hide. I'm safe.
New month of October:
The 1st: weigh in: 239 lb. I am healthy. I don't need to hide. Two-mile walk.
The 2nd: weigh in: 239.8 lb. I am healthy. I don't need to hide. I am safe. Dear God. Help me to be a blessing to others. Family dinner I managed to avoid some of the foods that turn my tummy inside out. Did not successfully avoid the yummy Boston Cream Cake for desert. One slice would have been okay. Then it was brought to the table, and I ignored self-control/self-discipline and took another little slice and another little slice and another little slice. I'm disappointed in myself. Starting over, tomorrow.
The 3rd: weigh in: 240.6 lb. One-mile walk. Two SEAL puppy reps. I've discovered that boys' pushups are too difficult for my back. Girls pushups challenge me but don't bother my back. Live and learn. Made bread.
The 4th: weigh in 241.2 lb. Made biscotti. Yahoo had an article on weight loss where I learned about things I have no control over and not much over the things I do. They recommend that if you're sleeping less than 7-8 hours a night, then doctors will recommend more sleep before anything else. I sleep 5 hours, if I'm lucky. Last night, power went out for a minute before 2 am, but it woke me for the next hour trying to calm down. I have an electronic device that beeps when the power goes out, and one that alerts me when the power comes back on. The beeping is worse than an alarm clock. I actually have an internal clock that works better than an alarm clock, which is why the middle of the night thing sent my adrenaline through the roof. Fear rushed through: Let my computer be okay. What do I have to do? (call electric company) I can't sleep if I'm too warm. No A/C. No fan. Fortunately, it was only off for about a minute. Long enough for the questions to zip through my brain but not long enough for me to get up and do anything. That being said, clocks had to be reset. That helped calm me a bit, though I needed another half hour after that before I was able to turn off my light and go to sleep again.
The 5th: weigh in: 240.6 lb. One-mile walk. Two SEAL puppy reps. I woke up a half hour before my alarm clock. Sigh. I baked my favorite cookies.
The 6th: weigh in: 240.2 lb. Waist circumference: 40". I've had a terrible time sleeping. And something I ate yesterday day did not agree with me. Hate when that happens. Leaves me feeling weak, and wishing I could spend the day in bed, except it wouldn't help. Hopefully, it's over now. I have a good day planned, and I'm going to enjoy it.
New month of October:
The 1st: weigh in: 239 lb. I am healthy. I don't need to hide. Two-mile walk.
The 2nd: weigh in: 239.8 lb. I am healthy. I don't need to hide. I am safe. Dear God. Help me to be a blessing to others. Family dinner I managed to avoid some of the foods that turn my tummy inside out. Did not successfully avoid the yummy Boston Cream Cake for desert. One slice would have been okay. Then it was brought to the table, and I ignored self-control/self-discipline and took another little slice and another little slice and another little slice. I'm disappointed in myself. Starting over, tomorrow.
The 3rd: weigh in: 240.6 lb. One-mile walk. Two SEAL puppy reps. I've discovered that boys' pushups are too difficult for my back. Girls pushups challenge me but don't bother my back. Live and learn. Made bread.
The 4th: weigh in 241.2 lb. Made biscotti. Yahoo had an article on weight loss where I learned about things I have no control over and not much over the things I do. They recommend that if you're sleeping less than 7-8 hours a night, then doctors will recommend more sleep before anything else. I sleep 5 hours, if I'm lucky. Last night, power went out for a minute before 2 am, but it woke me for the next hour trying to calm down. I have an electronic device that beeps when the power goes out, and one that alerts me when the power comes back on. The beeping is worse than an alarm clock. I actually have an internal clock that works better than an alarm clock, which is why the middle of the night thing sent my adrenaline through the roof. Fear rushed through: Let my computer be okay. What do I have to do? (call electric company) I can't sleep if I'm too warm. No A/C. No fan. Fortunately, it was only off for about a minute. Long enough for the questions to zip through my brain but not long enough for me to get up and do anything. That being said, clocks had to be reset. That helped calm me a bit, though I needed another half hour after that before I was able to turn off my light and go to sleep again.
The 5th: weigh in: 240.6 lb. One-mile walk. Two SEAL puppy reps. I woke up a half hour before my alarm clock. Sigh. I baked my favorite cookies.
The 6th: weigh in: 240.2 lb. Waist circumference: 40". I've had a terrible time sleeping. And something I ate yesterday day did not agree with me. Hate when that happens. Leaves me feeling weak, and wishing I could spend the day in bed, except it wouldn't help. Hopefully, it's over now. I have a good day planned, and I'm going to enjoy it.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Wow....
Sometimes it's good to be reminded of what an amazing world we live in.
http://vimeo.com/dustinfarrell/landscapes2
My Christmas cactus is blooming.
http://vimeo.com/dustinfarrell/landscapes2
My Christmas cactus is blooming.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Something mentioned elsewhere...
Over at The Hardest Battle, Kiki is sharing the revealing of her true self. It's wonderfully exciting and makes me smile and want to cheer. I wanted to address something she said, but didn't want to put it in my comment, because I wanted that to be pure joy and celebration. So, I decided to mention it here.
Growing up, I was little-miss-must-do-everything-right. I didn't smoke, drink, or wear outrageous clothes. I corrected my father's swearing, including words like damn. Then I owned a horse.
My horse was gregarious and treacherous. I was blessed with his company for five years. He did things like spooking at nothing, to see if he could unseat me. When I cleaned his hooves, whichever hoof I was cleaning (you have to pick it up to clean out the dirt in case there's a rock imbedded) he would start to lean against me. I had to clean his stall, every day. I was in therapy for the second time, when he came into my possession. Within months, I was out of therapy. I joked about having 1,000 lb of therapy, every day; anything more was overkill. (He was actually cheaper than therapy.) I developed my own little saying that saw me through more days than I can count: "When you start the day shoveling shit, nothing worse can happen the rest of the day."
My favorite Winston Churchill quote: “There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.”
Which reminds me of another favorite quote by Groucho Marx: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
Growing up, I was little-miss-must-do-everything-right. I didn't smoke, drink, or wear outrageous clothes. I corrected my father's swearing, including words like damn. Then I owned a horse.
My horse was gregarious and treacherous. I was blessed with his company for five years. He did things like spooking at nothing, to see if he could unseat me. When I cleaned his hooves, whichever hoof I was cleaning (you have to pick it up to clean out the dirt in case there's a rock imbedded) he would start to lean against me. I had to clean his stall, every day. I was in therapy for the second time, when he came into my possession. Within months, I was out of therapy. I joked about having 1,000 lb of therapy, every day; anything more was overkill. (He was actually cheaper than therapy.) I developed my own little saying that saw me through more days than I can count: "When you start the day shoveling shit, nothing worse can happen the rest of the day."
My favorite Winston Churchill quote: “There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.”
Which reminds me of another favorite quote by Groucho Marx: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
Monday, October 3, 2011
Carpe diem... yes... and NASCAR...
NASCAR ~ Nationwide race: Carl Edwards came in first!! WHOOHOO!!! GO CARL!!! Spring Cup: Race Buddy once again offered their service free, so I was able to watch the race on mosaic, with a leader board, and the position tracker on Carl. Carl came in third. Whoohoo!! He is tied for first in the Sprint Cup! WHOOHOO!!!!!!!!
Plan for the day:
~Make bread
~Laundry
~Projects
~A bit of cleaning
~Make pancakes
~Enjoy pancakes with the yummy peach jam my friend shared with me.
My friend who had planned to stop by on Monday, stopped by on Sunday instead. It was delightful.
We'll see how today goes.
~Saw cousin off - it was fun visiting
~Made bread
~Ate yummy bread with yummy fresh peaches
~Worked on project and worked on project and worked on project... Thanks ((Mary)) Bless you!
Everything else will be done, but not today.
Stick a fork in me; I'm done.
Plan for the day:
~Make bread
~Laundry
~Projects
~A bit of cleaning
~Make pancakes
~Enjoy pancakes with the yummy peach jam my friend shared with me.
My friend who had planned to stop by on Monday, stopped by on Sunday instead. It was delightful.
We'll see how today goes.
~Saw cousin off - it was fun visiting
~Made bread
~Ate yummy bread with yummy fresh peaches
~Worked on project and worked on project and worked on project... Thanks ((Mary)) Bless you!
Everything else will be done, but not today.
Stick a fork in me; I'm done.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Thank Goodness It's Sunday #71
An acquaintance on Facebook reminded me of how much I love music, and I found myself sucked into the world of You Tube. I don't go there often, for a reason. I could be lost for days. :-) These were a few of my favorite Casting Crowns videos. Yes, there are two Voice of Truth; I liked them both, and decided I didn't have to choose.
~Casting Crowns I Am Yours
~Casting Crowns Praise You In This Storm
~Casting Crowns Voice of Truth with scenes from Facing the Giants
~Casting Crowns Voice of Truth
~Casting Crowns Lifesong
~Casting Crowns I Am Yours
~Casting Crowns Praise You In This Storm
~Casting Crowns Voice of Truth with scenes from Facing the Giants
~Casting Crowns Voice of Truth
~Casting Crowns Lifesong
Saturday, October 1, 2011
My Heroes... Benjamin Netanyahu
I've been following Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel for a while now. My childhood friend taught me a love of the Jews and of Israel. She lived in Israel, one year, and came home and told me all about it. I was in awe of her, and her courage. As the years passed, whenever I heard things about Israel from the media, I'd call her and arrange a time to meet, and we'd talk about what was the media slant and what was the truth. She could give specific examples of media lies because she had been there. I understood. I lived in Thailand, and my brother lived in Korea, and things happened in both places that were reported with an astonishingly inaccurate slant by the media. I chose Benjamin Netanyahu, this week, as one of my heroes after i read and heard his speech at the U.N. I don't want his job. Not ever. I am amazed by his courage, his strength, his clarity. He is standing where he needs to stand. I want to be that brave.
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