Whom do I trust....

Interesting question.

Being an abuse survivor, trust does not come easily, if it comes at all. That being said, my first thought was, “God.” Then I had to be honest with myself that I don’t entirely trust God. That is to say, I don’t trust myself to always hear God’s inspiration, and I certainly don’t always trust what He has in store for me. Some part of me believes that He will see me though. He knows that; I have to trust.

An abuse survivor knows that help does not always come in time. I had to come to terms with not having been protected, and a terrible price paid: Loss of trust. Loss of trust in God, in others, in myself.

It has only been the last few years that I have come to terms with the fact that God’s idea of saving me does not coincide with my idea. God sees struggles differently than I do. I worry about whether or not I am strong enough, but God knows and wants me to figure out for myself what I will do with what happens to me. Will I allow Him to heal me and take me in directions I can’t even imagine, or will I lament my lack of understanding, and focus on my failings? The latter is easier, and in some ways not as scary. God’s ways are not the easy ways.

Trusting God is not something that simply happens. It takes work, and effort. I test God, often. I know there are those who would condemn me, but they aren't my judge; God is. My relationship with God is between Him and me. And I know He is willing to do whatever is necessary, whatever it takes, to see me through the difficulties that will make me stronger and bring me closer to Him, bring me Home, if I am willing to be courageous and fight for our relationship.

Whenever I want to whine about how difficult it is, thoughts of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ being unfairly tried, Christ being beaten, Christ being hung on the cross for crimes He did not commit tend to shut me up. That isn't to say that I turn all Miss Merry Sunshine and everything is wonderful. Instead, I allow myself to recognize that life is painful, but that isn't a bad thing. I wouldn't call it a good thing, either, but it's important to recognize the difference between good and evil. Many bad things aren't evil. Having seen the face of evil, I know there's a difference. In the world, today, there is a trend toward pretending that there is no evil. The adversary must laugh with glee. Evil is real.

God will win. I trust that.

Everyday, I endeavor to choose God's side. Overall, I think I'm successful in that. Not perfect, but I've never claimed to be perfect. I'm not even trying to be perfect; I'm trying to be a blessing. I don't think perfection, except as it is in God, is a blessing to anyone.

God has blessed me with some amazing friends, whom I trust. The trust did not come easily. There are lots of other people I don't trust. Trust is not a right, but a privilege. Trust must be earned. Even God doesn't expect blind trust: John 7:17 "If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God..."

And no, I don’t entirely trust myself. I was repeatedly taught to question myself, unmercifully. It has taken a lot of work and effort to regain my trust in myself. Interestingly enough, I’m discovering that as my trust in God increases, so does my trust in myself. I am His.