Self Motivation...

How to be self-motivated: It isn't easy.

I always saw myself as lazy and unmotivated. Studying was difficult. Sticking to anything was difficult. Then I worked for the airlines, in reservations. Imagine 400 calls, on hold. I would work a 12-hour day, and there would still be calls on hold. I was one of several hundred agents working, in four centers. Dragging my feet did not make it better. Working as hard as I could did not make it better. The first made me feel guilty, and the latter wore me out. I learned about pacing.

I learned that I am not lazy. I started taking classes again, one or two a year, whatever took my fancy.

As I had been, all my life, I was struggling with my weight. I met someone I liked, a lot. Still in lying mode, I pretended he liked me, too. I was hopeful. I lost 30 lb in 3 months, but I was 10 lb more than the suggested weight. I was exercising and watching every bite that went into my mouth. I couldn't lose those last 10 lb. I lost 3 lb by eating every other day. Yes, you read that right. I ate every other day for about two weeks. Dumb as a box of rocks.

I did manage to figure out how stupid that was on my own. I also learned that I was capable of making a plan and following through, problem-solving as I went along. I also learned that I could be incredibly self-disciplined. I applied it to school. I had finally learned how to tackle school and more particularly homework. I never again put off doing homework. As soon as an assignment came in, I started it. I knew I needed extra time for everything, because I usually don't grasp anything right off. I have to work it through, step by step, several times. That being said, once I've figured it out it's mine, and I own it.

So, here I am tackling REAL. I spent a lot of time turning over in my mind why I could lose 30 lb in 3 months, and now I can't. Age aside (and yes, I realize that's a significant factor, but it isn't the one holding me captive), I realized that the major difference is I thought I would be safe soon. I discovered how wrong I was.

I stopped believing I would ever be safe. This past week, I came to realize that I need to redefine safe.

Back to self-motivation. When you grow up receiving little guidance, except "Do what you think is right" (with the underlying message that you should know what that is without being told), if you don't push yourself you go nowhere. I spent much of my life afraid to make a decision for fear of making the wrong decision. I had occasional bursts, but nothing that would last. Then I decided to become a medical transcriptionist. I type medical records, with a 24-hour turn around. There was no room for "I don't feel like it." Or "I don't feel good." I had days when I would type for 15 minutes and lay down until I felt well enough to type for 15 more minutes, until I finished. There were nights when I typed until two or three in the morning. It had to be done.

Now, I'm trying to take the same attitude toward my weight loss battle. It's tough, because the accountability is only to myself. Gradually, I'm learning to be my own boss in every way. REAL is my way of being accountable to myself. It is helping. I know, my weight is the same, but you see that's success. I haven't gone back up to over 250 lb. I've lost over 10 lb, and I'm maintaining that weight loss.

I needed to be accountable to myself. REAL is how I am teaching myself to be accountable to me.