Thank Goodness It's Sunday #72

~My sister is a 10-year survivor.

~Participating in the Race for the Cure with my sister.

~Time alone.

~Rain.

~Cooler weather.

The high school reunion is almost over. I didn't attend. There were lots of reasons and rationalizations. Some truer than others. As I looked at the pictures that were posted, I felt the anxiety rise. I didn't recognize anyone at first. Then I saw a few faces I could put a name to, but I couldn't think of a single event in which we had interacted. Not one. Not that there hadn't been any, but I simply didn't remember much of anything but brief flashes, most of which didn't make much sense. It was time to be honest with myself.

I had been taught to be a chameleon, blend in, don't draw attention to yourself, be what "they" need you to be, no matter what. Now that I've given up the role, it's difficult to recall all the intricate and not-so intricate details required to play that role.

My indecision was based in the desire to please the friends who wanted to see me, and my own curiosity, versus the reality that I couldn't afford it, and I would find myself thrown into a stressful social situation I did not know how to navigate. I saw the venues in the pictures and realized that my slight hearing loss would have been enough to isolate me, because it would have been incredibly difficult to hear anyone. I would have been back in the lies, nodding and laughing at things I hadn't actually heard. And there I'd be back playing the role of chameleon. It isn't a role I choose to play anymore.