Thank Goodness It's Sunday #10... and reading list #17

~Thank God for the United States of America's military personnel and their families. Especially thanks to those who gave all.

~Thanks to PBS for broadcasting the National Memorial Day Concert to honor our service men and women and their families. The spirit required to serve as they do is unique and powerful.

~Thankfully, I'm waking up to what is important, what matters, what is of true value: Honor, courage, integrity, refusing to give up, respect, faith, hope, and charity...

~Thanks again to friends who are journeying with me on my adventure.

~Thanks FOX for broadcasting the Sprint Cup races! Unfortunately, the rest of the season will mostly only be on cable.

~And thank God for books! As always. I've decided to take the challenge are read W. Cleon Skousen's The Five Thousand Year Leap in 30 days. I've begun, and already find myself awed.

I've put away Sink Reflections. Maybe I'll pull it out again later, much later, but for now, I'm letting it go.

Harlequin reprinted one of Tara Taylor Quinn's early books The Sheriff of Shelter Valley. I love her characters, and stories. She "gets" being a survivor. She's been a major factor in helping me face the past.

I did a quick re-read of Lucy Monroe's Willing. And tried a new author but didn't keep the book, as it didn't prompt healthy relationships. I'm all too familiar with unhealthy. I read books looking for healthy relationships, in the hope I'll learn something, even if all that something is is hope.

I thoroughly enjoyed Donna Hatch's Queen in Exile. It's a fantasy romance, ie, there's magic and creatures not of this world. Donna is on my must-buy list. The tale was captivating, and I couldn't put it down until it was finished! Fortunately, I finished before today's race was over, so I could watch it. :-)

Abby Gaines has a NASCAR novella out, "Chasing the Dream." Abby is one of those who has fed my NASCAR passion, and she writes a great romance story. I love that she manages to keep them chaste in an industry that thinks chaste is out of fashion, without losing that chemistry.

Continuing yesterday's thoughts...and an important announcement

To be fair, I've listened to Wayne Dyer speak on PBS, and I understand the importance of attitude. I well remember feeling like I had a stamp on my forehead saying "ABUSE ME" because my relationships, by and large, were abusive. When I started my third round of counseling, I finally figured out that I DID have a stamp on my forehead, so to speak. The way I interacted with people was a reflection of the behavior to which I was accustomed. I had to change how I interacted in order to change the types of relationships I had. It almost sounds like I'm advocating their philosophy. I'm not. This isn't about my expectations of the universe; this is about my expectations of myself. Life happens. Jobs are lost. People die. Sickness comes and goes, or not. I'm always baffled by those who think that we should all be prosperous and have picture-perfect lives. Job did not have the kind of life I would envy, neither did Paul or Peter or most of the Apostles. Could I do what Mother Theresa did? Nope. But I admire them no end.

I remember my frustration when I talked to my counselor about not knowing what to do. My prayers are pretty simple, and for the most part, I don't ask for things for me but for others. I was tired of the "wait" answer. My counselor looked me in the eye and asked, "What happened to John the Baptist?" He was beheaded. "What happened to Abinadi?" (Book of Mormon prophet) He was burned at the stake. "What happened to Joseph Smith?" I was quiet. My counselor prompted "He was shot." I replied, "I was thinking about him being tarred and feathered." My counselor's eyes widened, then he smiled, "Are you sure you want a definitive answer?" To which I promptly replied, "No, no, fuzzy is good. I can live with fuzzy."

This false idea that we have control over what's out there and what comes our way is nonsense. The ONLY thing over which we have control is whether or not we choose to look to God or not. All the other stuff is just stuff.

I can flood myself with positive thoughts about eating eggs. I love eggs. I mean, I really love eggs. For years, I've kept at least a dozen in the refrigerator at all times. No matter what. I have to have them. I am also highly allergic to them. Bran, which I've avoided for years, is a medium allergy. Eggs aren't just high, they are astronomical. The high range is between 700-800 and above. I scored over 1200. Yes, I'm really, really, really allergic to eggs. But I love 'em! I would take allergy pills so I could have eggs, over-easy, on toast. Yummy!

The important announcement: The ten eggs sitting in my refrigerator, that I only bought last Thursday, I gave away. All of them. At once. I feel like I've poured out the last bottle of wine or eaten that final piece of chocolate. No more. And I've established a plan that if I need eggs for baking, I will buy a dozen, use only what I need, and give the rest away. This is HUGE for me! This is about respecting myself and loving myself enough to let go of a hurtful habit. I did it, and will keep on taking steps to be healthier, in every aspect of my life.

No matter how much positive thinking I put into it, eggs will never be good for me. I have to change. I have to accept myself as I am and make changes that are in keeping with what truly matters, faith, hope, and charity. God has been amazingly patient in guiding me throughout my life. He always saw the bigger picture and what really mattered. One day soon, I'll post the discussion I had with my counselor about what I thought was what I should do and what God lead me to do. God's ways are not our ways. We can insist on our way, and He will let us go our own way, or we can reach deep for our trust and look to Him and say "Okay, God, what next?"

Carpe diem... and reading list #16

Those bland, bland potatoes work great for stretching the flavored potatoes. So, not a total loss there. A load of laundry was done. And some serious reading.

I found The Secret to be a shortened variation on Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention. Both books leave me feeling a little hostile. "The Secret" is that you attract what comes into your life. Excuse me? Tell me a baby attracts being abused. Tell me my friend's sister attracted that drunk driver who killed her when he was driving on the wrong side of the freeway. Tell me one of my girlfriends attracted cancer as a teenager. Guess what? Life happens! Regardless of what you do, say, or think. Life is not about what happens to you; it is about what you do with what happens to you.

I closed the book when they started talking about good and bad emotions. So I'm bad, if I'm depressed? Guess what? Feelings simply are! Again, it's what you do with them that matters. Being sad is not bad. It's normal and healthy to experience a whole range of emotions. They declare that you cannot feel good and bad at the same time. I beg to differ. I have been terribly sad and overwhelmingly grateful, at the same time. Life is complex, with a lot of shades of grey, and that's what makes it so interesting! And There is More to the Secret roasted me when they implied that the "bad" feelings hinted at sin. Excuse me? I'm sinning when I'm sad over the death of a friend? Or I'm depressed because something I hoped for fell through? Yes, it can be a sign, but it can also be used to manipulate... I was going to say that this is where intentions come in handy: Do you intend to do good? Or bad? There are people who intend to do good and believe they are doing good when they shred someone else's sense of self. "It's for their own good." "How will they know what to change, if I don't tell them?" Talk of faith, hope, and charity, honor, respect, and courage, and God will do the teaching and leading.

Final gripe and tying it all together: They suggest that you want only "peaks" in your life, no "valleys." In case they didn't notice, only peaks makes for a flat line, and a flat line in life means your dead. Rant over.

I thoroughly enjoyed Wicked Regency Nights, five short stories from Harlequin's Undone line. Diane Gaston's "The Unlacing of Miss Leigh" is my favorite and the end always brings tears to my eyes. Sigh. I also thoroughly enjoy Annie Burrows' "Notorious Lord, Compromised Lady."

In Sink Reflects, I like the idea for ridding the house of clutter by asking "Does it bless me and my house?" If it does find a place for it; if it does, let it go. This is another book I'm finding simply doesn't fit me, even with being flexible. It has helped me focus, recognizing things that do apply to me that I've found in other places.

My review of Cheryl Wyatt's Steadfast Soldier. I loved it! I was floored by her mantra throughout the book "God's way isn't the easy way." What? All my life I was taught that God's way was the easy way, and if you simply follow His way all will be well. I felt like I was constantly messing up because life is so hard! Not to mention how humiliating and frustrating it would be to have others question my worthiness for God's guidance. "Are you reading your scriptures every day? Are you praying every day? Are you attending church? Are you doing all that you could be doing?" As if the difficulties in my life were entirely my fault and under my control, if only I were a better person...if only I were perfect, then everything would be perfect. Well, duh! But guess what, perfection is something that happens after this life. I did have a wonderful Sunday School teacher who taught that the reason we came to earth was to learn and grow, which sounds like it's painful and difficult, so if your life is painful and difficult, then you're probably doing something right. But in this story, over and over again it was emphasized that turning your life over to God was not easy. I kept thinking, "THIS is what I've found to be true in my own life." What a relief! God bless Cheryl Wyatt. I chose her first book because she was a debut author, and what a privilege and blessing that's been to collect the whole series. I'm looking forward to her next book.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #9... and reading list #15

~Wonderful friends who spoil me terribly, or more accurately, wonderfully. Gifts sent for no reason that are something I really want. And gifts waiting when I visit. I'm thinking of a long-handled scrub brush meant for a person's back, but I find them such a blessing for my feet when bending over is difficult because of my back. I finally remembered to buy one for myself. Love it!!

~Unexpectedly cool weather! It's almost June and the temp, today, was 78! I'll take it, for as long as possible!

~Dearest friends that broaden my perspective, gifting me with deeper understand and peace, feeling more fully God's love.

~Pillows that are the perfect size for easing the discomfort in my back.

~BOOKS! No surprise there. Loved SEALed With a Kiss! Jax is on my wish list, and Pickett speaks from my heart. I'm reading Steadfast Soldier by Cheryl Wyatt. I keep coming back for more of her Wings of Refuge series. And I've started The Secret. At this point, it isn't anything I haven't heard before. I'll write more once I've finished it. Still reading Sink Reflections, but finding it fits me less and less, except in the most basic ways.

Light in the darkness and reading list #14

I finished the Bucket book, and was pleased to realize how much I do right. That being said, God blessed me with an eye opener. A friend had sent me an email titled "Bitchology." I laughed and shared it with several friends. One wrote back that she laughed at first and then found herself more and more offended. She has a gift for words, putting things simply and yet eloquently and succinctly. As I read, at first I felt chastised, and then realized I could feel badly about it or I could shut up and buck up and admit she was right. Yep, she was right. All my life, I have tried to pretend that if I think of an unkind label in a different light it somehow changes the meaning. As my friend pointed out, thinking of it in a different light does not change the fact that I have accepted the label assigned to me. What? How did that happen? Why did I let it happen? Not just a little flickering flame in the darkness but a serious bolt of lightening making the night as bright as day. No more. Add to this the realization that I have to stop being the mean boss, and as God is wont to do, He has blended several threads all at once to make a cohesive whole of beauty and understanding. Awesome. It is time to think of myself kindly, with love and encouragement. Does that imply that I no longer recognize my shortcomings? Of course not.

As an example, I know I'm overweight, but labeling myself fat does not make it better; saying so isn't enlightening. I know this. I know what to do to change it, sort of; I'm learning anyway. Having someone point it out suggests I'm too stupid to figure it out on my own. I'm not. I get it. Telling me what to do to make it right is more likely to push me in the opposite direction, largely because my dietary needs are unusual. Telling me what I should do is counterproductive. Don't should on me. (Thanks to my counselor for that little gem.) It only makes me cranky because I know, and to be honest, I'm pretty frustrated with myself. I know that feeling safe helps. I know that feeling at peace with myself helps. I know that when I feel good enough that I'm eating right and sleeping like I should and exercising, weight melts off. That being said, my biggest enemy to weight loss is stress. My negative tape turn on so automatically it doesn't even take a specific event to trigger it. And there I am feeling like a hamster in a wheel, going nowhere fast.

Do I believe that I'll never label myself again? Nope. I've spent all my life forming and honing my habits, but now that I am able to make a conscious decision I know it won't take me years to release those unwanted habits. Focusing on Faith, Hope, and Charity has been making gradual changes in the way I think in general. Today's revelation is a bit of long-overdue fine-tuning, but in God's perfect timing I was finally ready to hear it, and He blessed me with an angel friend to deliver the message. I haven't the faintest idea how long it will take to establish permanent change. It may take a lifetime, but there is an undeniable pleasure in knowing that the change is finally occurring.

A Just-Because-It's-Tuesday gift showed up, today, a book I wanted but couldn't convince myself to pay for. SEALed With a Kiss, book 1, by Mary Margret Daughtridge. What a delightful surprise, from another angel friend! Thanks ((Mary))

Experimenting with food: Tried the regular Idahoan instant potatoes, using only water, instead of the recommended butter and milk. Bland, really, really bland, live-and-learn and never-do-again bland. The flavored varieties require only water, so I'll be sticking with those. Real potatoes of course are better, but this is food storage I'm exploring. When cans of wheat are useless one learns to be flexible and adapt.

Fun and reading list lucky #13

Nieces, with their families, popped in for a few days. What fun it's been chatting with them! Wish they lived here, because there simply wasn't enough time. And wouldn't you know, my work schedule ended up heavier than usual.

Read In a Mother's Arms, a special two-shortish historical romance stories in one book. Jillian Hart wrote "Finally a Family," and Victoria Bylin wrote "Home Again." Bylin is on my must-buy list. She always has several insights that require I do a bit of rethinking and re-evaluating.

I also started How Full is Your Bucket? by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton, Ph.D. It's a relatively thin book. I thought, "Easy-smeasy. I'll read it in a snap." Then I read the first chapter and felt sucker punched. How often had I heard "You must repent not only of the sins of commission but those of omission." I always felt like I was trapped coming and going and could do nothing right. I bridled against the negativity, feeling swamped by the feeling that I would never be good enough. I recognized the whole of my life, and began to realize what an optimistic person I actually am. Diane Gaston blogged about optimism and hope, today. I'm always delighted my God's blendings. Diane is one of my very favorite writers. When she asked if we believed in the power of optimism and hope, and if we had an experiences, I wasn't sure how to respond. My first thought was very serious, and then a memory popped in: My younger brother nicknamed me Odie. Then the comic strip published Garfield’s rant to Odie: “Who could possibly love a grinning idiot like you?” Then it starts to rain, everywhere but on Odie. Garfield looks up and yells, “You stay out of this!” I’ve had plenty of rain in my life, but I know God is always there, and there isn’t anything more joyous than sharing God’s blessings.

Once I'd caught my breath, so to speak, I was able to continue reading. The focus so far has been on companies. My first thought was "how does this apply to me?" Instantly, I remembered my counselor. He talked to me about the mean boss I work for, the boss that criticizes and belittles. Me. My ah-ha moment: I will learn how to be a better boss to me. And so the adventure continues...

Carpe diem...

It wasn't a gobsmacked type of day, but a lot of little things were accomplished. Three loads of laundry, pancakes for the coming week, fish and mashed potatoes (trying a new flavor), finished SEALed with a Ring and Underneath It All, commented at a few blogs I follow, readied the documents I'll need for this week, and caught up on a few emails. My "sink" is still clean. Did a bit of exercise. Didn't sleep well, last night, so having a little trouble focusing my thoughts. Making mental lists for preparedness shopping. Yes, I realize this is actually a mistake, considering how much trouble I have keeping thoughts in my head, but I also use it to sort and sift. I figure I'll forget what I don't really need. :-)

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #8... and reading list #12

~Sleep, blessed sleep, with no dreams. Even better. Thank God.

~A/C The weather is heating up, and air conditioning is such a blessing.

~Learning new things about myself, with the help of good friends and exercising my God-given problem solving skills.

~Cool enough weather to allow berries to ripen for yummy jam. All these years, I've thought in terms of food preparedness and storage when making jam. I like my blackberry jam all right, but I prefer grape jelly with my peanut better sandwiches. However, I love giving it away, and most of what I've made is already tagged. It's one of those things I truly enjoy doing.

~And books! I've added another must read author after reading Mary Margret Daughtridge's SEALed with a Promise. It's book two of three. I will be starting book three, next. As book one was starting at $20, a used paperback, I've decided I can live without it. I'm a fan, but I'm also practical. :-) I read Rachel Lee's Serious Risks. She's also one of my must-buys. I started Underneath It All by Jennifer Manuel Carroll and Kathy Schultz. It's been educational and fun.

Observations from this week's media input...

I just finished reading an article on Yahoo News about how the internet actually makes people happier. Of course, the study had its parameters. Studies can be skewed any way imaginable. What I found of interest were the comments. Several stated short and sweet that happiness comes from inside. The comment that caught my attention was the one that ranted on the evils of the internet. And if finally dawned bright and clear that "I" decide, "me", no one else, what to make of everything that crosses my path. Everything. So much of life is neither good nor evil, it simply is, but what I make of it in my life and in my own mind decides its value to me. And it doesn't matter what the value is to someone else, unless it is truly evil. I know too well that evil does exist, and it is hungry, devouring everything that will allow it to do so. But allowing it is a choice. Sometimes, I catch the backlash of someone else's choice, but it does not change my right to choose which I follow, even if only in my mind. Not even God will choose for me; He requires I choose for myself what path I will follow, toward Him or away.

The right to choose, free agency, free will, whatever you want to call it, is not something anyone gives us. It simply is. It cannot be given or taken away by anything "outside." Me, no one else, am the only one capable of making me decide to accept my right to choose or throw it away. They may endeavor to influence, but they may not decide. They may force me to a point where there is only one choice, but I still decide how I will make that choice a part of my life. Will I choose to focus on the good or the evil? Will I choose to recognize the truth, no matter how painful, or will I choose the momentarily comforting lie? Will I choose to fight for truth or choose to do nothing or fight against it? (The latter two are essentially the same.)

I've spent a great deal of my life choosing to do nothing in the hopes of not choosing wrongly. It does not work. I've made a lot of choices that haven't turned out as I hoped, but I have continued to move forward, into being a better person and making better choices. In the last few years, I've been working toward this end: Accepting and taking responsibility not for everything but for changing myself. The only thing I actually can do. Hopefully, by changing myself, I will influence the world around me for the better. I can do no more than that. No one can. Sadly, too many abdicate responsibility and revel in the blame game.

Because I have been willing to change, I have been blessed with incredible friends, who inspire me and uplift me, many of whom I would never have known existed if not for the internet. If not for the internet, I never would have known about this:

"Look at yourself after watching this"YouTube

I know I have some mental redecorating to do.

Praise God...

For cooler weather, providing sweet blackberries, making fabulous blackberry jam! I started the day a little after 5:00 a.m. Good thing because once the sun came up in ernest, the little white flies were way too helpful. Dad, bless him, helped pick berries. I've owned one of those huge yellow Tupperware bowls that are great for popcorn in a large family but useful to someone single, like me. Until today. It was filled to overflowing. Two batches of jam, with berries left over. If the weather holds off, just a little longer, there might even be a third batch, but the weather is heating. We'll see. The longest part of the process is removing the little "stones" in the center of the berries. Some have it, some don't. There is nothing in the world like seeing those beautiful jars lined up, full. I hurt. All over. Blessedly, there is ibuprofen. And not sorry in the least. Making jam is one of those things I'm glad I don't do it on a regular basis because it wears me out, but I preen all year long. And without God's grace and mercy, it wouldn't happen. Thanks God.

Sink Reflections...

As mentioned in my last post, I've endeavored to make a more conscientious effort toward readying myself for the day, starting from the inside out, all the way to makeup and hair. I'm noticing a difference, mostly in the way I feel. I've also noticed that I may start with everything, down to shoes, it isn't long before it all peels way, shoes first, then out of the skirt and into shorts that still match my shirt, the makeup wears off, the earrings and necklace are next, until all that's left from this morning is my hair pulled back. I don't feel guilty about it. Neither do I feel like I wasted my time by dressing up to start the day. It's a really good way for me to recognize it's a new day, with new possibilities. Am I ready to recognize those opportunities and gasp them with both hands? I'm working on it. I'd planned to take myself to breakfast, but first couldn't justify the expense when I had perfectly delicious pancakes and buttermilk syrup at home. Besides, for the cost of a meal I could buy one or two books. And I did. I considered how I could work the morning to my advantage and made some slight changes and found things worked better. Learning to step back and consider other options is a learning process. And I'm pleased to realize I am learning.