How do you know...

...you don't want to do something?

I've mentioned, several times, that I have been struggling with the fact that my high school reunion is fast approaching. I don't remember much from high school. What I do remember, I wish I didn't. I already have a foretaste of the conversations that will occur. "How's name-of-old-boyfriend?" That's how I was known: That guy's girlfriend. I was also in choir and on the staff of the school's literary "magazine." But mostly I was so-and-so's girlfriend. He was popular and a big fish in a little pond. I was a hanger-on. It wasn't a healthy relationship. A few years ago, an old high school friend attempted to touch base with me. I have absolutely no memories of this person outside of a single "mental snapshot" of them smiling. Nothing else. Really. I looked at the list of those attending, and recognized only a half dozen names, and that's all it was, a recognition of the names. No memories are attached to those names. None. I remember singing in a few choir concerts, snippets, never whole concerts. I remember one of my partners in the swing choir; we had great chemistry on stage. We would joke about being lovers on stage and strangers off. It was so good... oh my gosh... my boyfriend joined the choir after that... I was so disappointed, because I lost my other partner. I've waffled and hemmed and hawed and debated with myself and others. There are those who tell me, "Don't go!!" and others who tell me, "You'll regret it if you don't. It's a great opportunity to connect with the past." Ummm... it's the past I'm trying to let go. This argument with myself has been going on for quite a while.

The other day, my t-shirt and entry info arrived for the Race for the Cure. I go with my sister every year. I'm looking forward to it. Then I realized: It's the same day as the reunion picnic! I can't go!!! Happy dance! Happy Snoopy dance!! Happy Hobbit dance! Happy dance! I think that answers my question, and ends the debate. :-)

Week Fourteen of REAL...

The 23rd: weigh in: 238.8 lb. Two SEAL puppy reps.

The 24th: weigh in: 239.6 lb. Two SEAL pup reps. Three-mile walk. Two SEAL puppy reps. Physical therapy, with 1-lb weights. I'm feeling a bit stressed, not sleeping particularly well. The weather is cooling, and though I love it, my allergies are a bit more pronounced. My voice comes and goes. My schedule has been disrupted a bit, and it's taking longer than I anticipated to settle it again.

The 25th: weigh in: 240 lb. *pfft* It could be discouraging, but I'm having trouble sleeping, and have been feeling pretty stressed, so I'm going to be nice to myself, and give myself credit for eating better and increasing my exercise. Squished (what a great word) another mosquito. Faster than the last one. Where are the miserable parasites coming from? I don't open my window. Yes, I keep water in my room for drinking, but I empty it every day, sometimes twice. Letting it go, as there's nothing more within my powers of influence. I should sleep better, as I used a bit of lavender oil. Side note: I'm back on lactose-free milk. I wonder if there will be a difference...

The 26th: weigh in: 240.2 lb. What-ev-er. Two SEAL puppy reps. One-mile walk. Alas, my back is screaming at me, this morning, even after my walk, which usually helps my back relax. If the pain doesn't subside soon, I'll take some ibuprofen. I want to see if some easy stretching will help, first. Pain medications are always a last resort. If I use them even two days in a row, I frequently end up with a rebound headache. Lucky me. :-) After a few hours, my back pain had eased, and I was able to do two more SEAL puppy reps and my physical therapy.

The 27th: weigh in 240.6 lb. Sigh.

The 28th: weigh in: 242 lb. Oh, dear. I've been stressed of late, and looking back I notice something missing. I am healthy. I don't need to hide. I am safe. Two SEAL puppy reps. One-mile walk. My back is bothering me a bit this morning. After a few hours, I felt good enough to do two more SEAL puppy reps.

The 29th: weigh in: 240.2 lb. Waist circumference: 40". Physical therapy. Hmmm... that's an interesting change in the weight, particularly since my eating is pretty much the same, every day. I mean THE SAME. What is different? I am healthy. I don't need to hide. And I'm settling into a more comfortable routine.

All gave some, some gave all...

Do you know the names of those who have given their lives in the defense of our country, today? What about yesterday, or the day before?

http://www.defense.gov/releases/

Too cute for words...

http://youtu.be/d_EZDBVuOk4 A little boy and his very good dog. God bless good dogs and children.

http://youtu.be/nnEDUFmVXAE Short behind the scenes video, with Mark Hall of Casting crowns. Yes, Mark, like you, I'm a train wreck, and Jesus still loves me. What an awesome gift.

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. ~ James D. Miles

Carpe diem... and NASCAR

NASCAR update first: Race Buddy broadcasted the race on NASCAR.com. Thank you! And another thank you because one of the in-car cameras was in Carl's car!! Whoohoo!! Which means I was driving with Carl for 300 laps. Squeeeeee!! The mosaic had a camera on the backstretch, so I could watch Carl drive out of turn two and watch his view and watch him coming down the back stretch, zipping into turn three. The other two in-car cameras were Dale Jr and Jimmy Johnson. They were frequently racing each other, today, so it was fun to see the point of view of both drivers! Carl Edwards came in 8th. Not bad for starting back in 23rd, and he is now 4th in the Chase. Go Carl!!!

Last weeks list of things to accomplish did well, so I'm trying it again.
~REAL
~Make bread
~Projects
~Laundry
~Trying a new author
~Visit from a friend

Done but for the last, but that one was out of my control. Life happens. A pretty good day.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #70

~Being able to sleep on my back, without severe consequences. I woke up, this morning, and gingerly shifted from my back to my side, again, without feeling like I wanted to scream. That's HUGE progress.

~Fall! The weather is cooling, and it's such a relief from the scorching that is known as summer.

~God-given supportive, encouraging friends.

~Figuring out at least some of the changes to FaceBook, without wanting to take a sledgehammer to my computer. Why punish my computer, when it didn't do anything wrong? I wrote my complaints on my FB wall instead. :-)

~Laurie Schnebly Campbell. She's been a huge help to me, and this weekend I read one of her books, Wrong Twin, Right Man, and loved it. She's a romance writer.

When I'm feeling defeated...

Helm's Deep http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIOICM-HmLw&feature=player_embedded

Theoden's rallying speech http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8yOdAqBFcQ&feature=player_embedded

Aragorn's rallying speech http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXGUNvIFTQw&feature=related

It's been a while since I last sat down and watched Lord of the Rings. I frequently pull out the books, if for no other reason than as a reference for the Lore contest at Fellowship of Middle-earth. I'm fighting my own battles right now, and found these inspiring.

My counselor tried to explain something I needed to work out: "There's this boss who is always criticizing the employees, telling them how bad they are, reprimanding them for every little infraction. This boss never lets up. There's always some way things could have been done better, faster, smarter. This boss even calls the employees nasty names. Why would anyone want to work for such a cruel and brutal boss? Especially when there's this other boss available. This other boss is gentle and patient. This other boss expects the employees to accept personal responsibility, but recognizes the value of each employee. This other boss encourages and acknowledges and rewards a job well done. Which boss would you rather work for?" Funnily enough, at the time I thought: I'd know how to respond under the rotten boss, but not the good boss. Then my counselor asked, "When are you going to fire the rotten boss and let the good boss take over?" I stared at him, and then blinked. Then it dawned on me that he was talking about me! I'd learned the unkind lessons so well I was still practicing them! He wanted me to learn a healthier way. Then he took it one step further: God isn't a mean boss. Jesus asks us to love God and our neighbor as ourselves. That's not the guidance of a mean boss. I'm still struggling to be a good boss to myself. It isn't easy. But with Jesus as my teacher and guide, I will learn to be a good boss.

My Heroes... Jimmy Thomas

My inspiration for sticking to REAL: Jimmy Thomas For those who find physique pictures and romance novel covers offensive, don't go there (don't click on the link).

My first introduction to cover models was Richard Cerqueira. He was interviewed at Risky Regencies. Part 1 Part 2 He was well spoken and gracious. His PR asked me if I was comfortable with a physique shot. I had to ask what it was. It's a fitness shot, for the purpose of showing muscle definition. (I was first introduced to body building by Lou Ferrigno: Incredible Hulk.) Once I understood, I laughed, and wrote back that I hoped I never lost my appreciation for the human form, particularly of the male variety. I know it makes some people uncomfortable. (He is wearing jeans.) Then again, there are those who find a man without his shirt totally inappropriate. I'm not one of them. The picture I received was an important pivotal point in my journey to becoming healthy. I decided I was tired of being fat. I knew that as a fitness model, he had to work hard to achieve the hero/warrior look he needed for his cover work.

For the record, I'm okay with never being a model. In high school, I took a modeling class, through a professional agency, and learned about walking correctly. What a blessing that has been. I also learned about make-up and dressing. Unfortunately, I didn't take the acting class they suggested. I think it would have helped me a lot. Live and learn.

Unfortunately, though I was sick of being overweight, I hadn't yet acknowledged the real problem with my struggle with weight loss: Fear. Fear of being seen. Fear of being noticed. Fear of being noticed as a woman. The thought still terrorizes me, up to and including a racing heart, shortened breath, sweating, and shaking. Yes, I panic if a man notices me. On the internet, I'm safe. No one can see me. No one can cross the boundaries I've set. And contrarily, fear of not being seen as a woman.

I had more attention than I wanted or needed growing up, in too many ugly ways. The easiest, less stressful one to tackle was food. When I took control of my food supply, I gained some weight. Funny how that is when you have access to food you can eat, on a regular basis. I decided I was ready to try a serious relationship, again. I was told that I would have lots of dates, once I lost the weight. I lost it, all 30 lb in 3 months. Sure, more guys talked to me, about the girls they were dating. None of them asked me out. Not one. I was patient. As months, and then years passed, I became humiliated. What was the point? I gained the weight back and more. The problem wasn't the weight. My face has been marred by years of acne. It isn't pretty. I was told, on more than one occasion, that men didn't marry girls with a face as scarred as mine is or who weigh as much as I do. They were right. Where did I go from here?

It hasn't been easy, but I had to accept that the problem was me. Now, I'm learning to accept myself as I am. It helps that I've been working hard to change what's on the inside. I'm trying to learn to be responsible. I'm trying to learn to be honorable. I'm trying to learn to be gracious. I'm trying to learn to be reliable. I'm trying to learn to be a friend. I'm trying to learn to be aware of others and what they need and what I'm able to give and what I'm not. I'm trying to learn to be honest.

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." Definitely. Since I started the new campaign to be healthy, starting from the inside out, I have been miserable, and yet I've also known more peace than ever before in my life. I've learned to set healthy boundaries in a lot of areas. I'm afraid I'm still clueless in some. I'm learning self-respect. I'm learning what I believe. I'm learning to trust God. I know that the only One who can rescue me is Jesus Christ, my Savior. I'm learning that I have to do what I'm able.

Fear is still a huge hindrance in my weight loss struggle. I'm afraid I can't do what God asks of me. I'm afraid I'll disappoint Him, and I'm afraid I'll disappoint myself. I'm afraid I'll be a burden. I'm afraid. That being said, I haven't given up trying.

Marcus Luttrell, The Lone Survivor, inspired REAL. Jimmy Thomas inspires me to keep trying.

A while ago, I met Deena Remiel. She writes The Brethren Series. She's friendly and one of those people that has the gift of drawing others into her circle. Jimmy Thomas was the model for one of her angels. In fact, he's the angel on the banner at her website. That's when I first heard about Jimmy Thomas. Deena has met him, as have several other people I know. They all say the same thing about him. And yep, I found myself drawn in.

Jimmy is outgoing and loves what he does. I want to be more like that. He takes care of himself, and I'm trying to learn to do that. Every time I see a picture of him, I am reminded that being healthy is something that you have to work at, a decision you have to make for yourself. Jimmy is straightforward and gives everything to what he does. I want to do that. So, when I see pictures of him, I smile. Then I think, "Being what I want to be isn't easy. It takes work, on every level. No one can make me feel like I'm worth the time and energy, except me." I look at his picture, and remind myself that he has fun inspiring fantasy, and he is real. I take a steadying breath, and decide: I want to do this. I can do this. I am healthy. I don't need to hide.

Then I laugh. I was thinking I might post one of his fitness pictures, but then I'd have to email and ask. I'm too afraid to even send an email. So, the fear created by abuse is still very much alive, but at least now I recognize it and can laugh about it.

Week Thirteen of REAL...

Reduce stress
Exercise
Adequate sleep
Lower caloric intake

The 16th: weigh in: 239.2 lb. Two SEAL puppy reps. Physical therapy, without weights. I am choosing to be healthy.

The 17th: weigh in: 238.4 lb. Two SEAL puppy reps. Two-mile walk. Trimming back bushes. Physical therapy with 1-lb weights. I don't need to hide behind my weight anymore.

The 18th: weigh in: 237.6 lb. I'm learning to be healthy. I don't need to hide behind my weight.

The 19th: weigh in: 236.8 lb. I am healthy. I don't need to hide. One-mile walk. Two SEAL puppy reps. Physical therapy with 1-lb weights. Two more SEAL puppy reps.

The 20th: weigh in 238 lb. Four weeks since I messed up my shoulder. It seems to be back to normal. Whew. Two SEAL puppy reps. Physical therapy without weights.

The 21st: weigh in: 238.6 lb. Two SEAL pup reps (10 boy-pushups, crunches, flutter kicks). One-mile walk, for speed. Two SEAL puppy reps (10 girl-pushups, crunches, flutter kicks). I confess that my boy-pushups aren't very deep (less than an inch), but I'm impressed I can hold the position at all. I'll work on it. Why do I not jog? The herniated disk in my back means as little bouncing as possible, please. Physical therapy, with 1-lb weights.

The 22nd: weigh in: 238.4 lb. Waist circumference: 40". Two SEAL puppy reps. Physical therapy, without weights. I'm trying regular milk, again. I went to lactose-free milk when I was struggling with my food allergies. I hadn't yet figured out how truly allergic I am to bran. Now that I'm pretty much bran free, I want to see how I do with milk. Why? $3.79 per 1/2 gallon versus $1.99 per 1/2 gallon.

Tomorrow, I'll be sharing one of my inspirations for sticking with REAL. As a heads up, over at FB, I'm a harem member, and Friday is our post a favorite picture day on your wall day. So, here at my own blog, it will be Jimmy Thomas Friday. I thought about posting it, today. In fact, that was the original plan, but I changed my mind.

Permission and Chosen and FB...

Permission to be Human: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-sobriety/201109/permission-be-human

My sister posted the above article, at her blog, and I wanted to share it here.

I first came across Holly Gerth through DaySpring. This was posted on FaceBook, yesterday, and it warmed me. I needed the reminder. http://networkedblogs.com/nkxzC

For those who don't like the new FaceBook changes, go into Account, down to language, and where it says English US, change it to English UK. Like my sister, do NOT tell me what YOU think I'll be interested in, because I'm quite capable of making that choice for myself, and actually manage to do so every single day. Unfortunately, UK turned to the dark side, within hours. However, English (Pirate) is kind of fun.

And a cartoon that always makes me smile...

Part of being REAL...

Reduce stress
Exercise
Adequate sleep
Lower caloric intake

http://itsallaboutmie.blogspot.com/2011/09/umhealth-experts.html

This tied in well with some of my other REAL blogs. As I work to change my thinking, I'm noticing some significant changes, in me. I've pretty much let go of the expert advice, because I know that my weight issues are mostly in my head. My body is merely the evidence. I would eat less, exercise more and gain weight. People would always say, "It's muscle!" Actually, it wasn't. My inches weren't changing either. I had to finally accept that because I was mentally in a place of deprivation my body held onto the weight. Mentally, I was in starvation mode, regardless of my eating habits, so my body went into save the fat mode. Now, I'm trying to teach myself that I don't need to do that anymore.

R ~ I've found that routine is vital to my program. I think I've finally created one that works for me. Funnily enough, my change in my job situation is what made it possible.

E ~ Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday I walk in the morning. Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I don't walk. I do 2-4 groups of my SEAL puppy reps (10 reps of girl's pushups, sit-ups, and flutter kicks) and physical therapy all six days.

A ~ Monday through Saturday, I'm up between 5-530 AM. Bedtime varies. I use sleep deprivation to stop nightmares. So, some nights I'm able to go to bed early, like 10 PM, but other nights it has to be 11 or 12 or 1 AM, so I don't wake up to nightmares. I'm trying to learn to intersperse them better, so I have more nights of closer to 8 hours of sleep, than those that are only 4 hours.

L ~ I don't eat snacks between meals. They are guaranteed sabotage for me. It doesn't matter what it is. They interrupt my other work routines, and leave me feeling like I've grazed all day. The feeling of having to constantly remind myself to eat is annoying. Monday through Saturday, I have breakfast between 6-8 AM. It's usually Carnation Instant Breakfast, sometimes with frozen blueberries and sometimes with frozen bananas and sometimes not. Lunch is usually between 11-12 noon, and dinner is between 5-7 PM. Sunday, I sleep in a bit, eat between 9-10 AM, and then I have dinner around 4 PM. I keep meals simple, usually from scratch, or pretty close to it: Grilled cheese sandwich, hamburger, spaghetti, chicken and rice or pasta or potatoes. Occasionally, I make an easy soup, Top Roman, with veggies and chicken added. I have a chocolate chip cookie after one meal and a biscotti and hot chocolate after the other, unless I had a PB&J. I also drink 48-64 oz of water, every day, without fail. I haven't had any soda pop in... a year? Two years? Maybe longer. Yes, it's been so long I don't remember, though I may have had a cup at some event or other when that was all that was available. I'll usually choose water or lemonade. I don't miss pop, though occasionally I want an old fashioned A&W. It isn't available, so it isn't a problem. I eat out less than once a month, ie, I eat out with a group of friends at the end of the month, but I don't always make it.

I am healthy. I don't need to hide.

NASCAR ~ Nationwide Race: Carl Edwards came in second. Race Buddy broadcasted the Sprint Cup race at NASCAR.com. THANK YOU!!! Delayed due to rain. Carl came in Fourth. Congrats to Tony Stewart on winning, and Dale Jr coming in third! Carl is currently third in the chase. Whoohoo!