My Heroes... Jimmy Thomas

My inspiration for sticking to REAL: Jimmy Thomas For those who find physique pictures and romance novel covers offensive, don't go there (don't click on the link).

My first introduction to cover models was Richard Cerqueira. He was interviewed at Risky Regencies. Part 1 Part 2 He was well spoken and gracious. His PR asked me if I was comfortable with a physique shot. I had to ask what it was. It's a fitness shot, for the purpose of showing muscle definition. (I was first introduced to body building by Lou Ferrigno: Incredible Hulk.) Once I understood, I laughed, and wrote back that I hoped I never lost my appreciation for the human form, particularly of the male variety. I know it makes some people uncomfortable. (He is wearing jeans.) Then again, there are those who find a man without his shirt totally inappropriate. I'm not one of them. The picture I received was an important pivotal point in my journey to becoming healthy. I decided I was tired of being fat. I knew that as a fitness model, he had to work hard to achieve the hero/warrior look he needed for his cover work.

For the record, I'm okay with never being a model. In high school, I took a modeling class, through a professional agency, and learned about walking correctly. What a blessing that has been. I also learned about make-up and dressing. Unfortunately, I didn't take the acting class they suggested. I think it would have helped me a lot. Live and learn.

Unfortunately, though I was sick of being overweight, I hadn't yet acknowledged the real problem with my struggle with weight loss: Fear. Fear of being seen. Fear of being noticed. Fear of being noticed as a woman. The thought still terrorizes me, up to and including a racing heart, shortened breath, sweating, and shaking. Yes, I panic if a man notices me. On the internet, I'm safe. No one can see me. No one can cross the boundaries I've set. And contrarily, fear of not being seen as a woman.

I had more attention than I wanted or needed growing up, in too many ugly ways. The easiest, less stressful one to tackle was food. When I took control of my food supply, I gained some weight. Funny how that is when you have access to food you can eat, on a regular basis. I decided I was ready to try a serious relationship, again. I was told that I would have lots of dates, once I lost the weight. I lost it, all 30 lb in 3 months. Sure, more guys talked to me, about the girls they were dating. None of them asked me out. Not one. I was patient. As months, and then years passed, I became humiliated. What was the point? I gained the weight back and more. The problem wasn't the weight. My face has been marred by years of acne. It isn't pretty. I was told, on more than one occasion, that men didn't marry girls with a face as scarred as mine is or who weigh as much as I do. They were right. Where did I go from here?

It hasn't been easy, but I had to accept that the problem was me. Now, I'm learning to accept myself as I am. It helps that I've been working hard to change what's on the inside. I'm trying to learn to be responsible. I'm trying to learn to be honorable. I'm trying to learn to be gracious. I'm trying to learn to be reliable. I'm trying to learn to be a friend. I'm trying to learn to be aware of others and what they need and what I'm able to give and what I'm not. I'm trying to learn to be honest.

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." Definitely. Since I started the new campaign to be healthy, starting from the inside out, I have been miserable, and yet I've also known more peace than ever before in my life. I've learned to set healthy boundaries in a lot of areas. I'm afraid I'm still clueless in some. I'm learning self-respect. I'm learning what I believe. I'm learning to trust God. I know that the only One who can rescue me is Jesus Christ, my Savior. I'm learning that I have to do what I'm able.

Fear is still a huge hindrance in my weight loss struggle. I'm afraid I can't do what God asks of me. I'm afraid I'll disappoint Him, and I'm afraid I'll disappoint myself. I'm afraid I'll be a burden. I'm afraid. That being said, I haven't given up trying.

Marcus Luttrell, The Lone Survivor, inspired REAL. Jimmy Thomas inspires me to keep trying.

A while ago, I met Deena Remiel. She writes The Brethren Series. She's friendly and one of those people that has the gift of drawing others into her circle. Jimmy Thomas was the model for one of her angels. In fact, he's the angel on the banner at her website. That's when I first heard about Jimmy Thomas. Deena has met him, as have several other people I know. They all say the same thing about him. And yep, I found myself drawn in.

Jimmy is outgoing and loves what he does. I want to be more like that. He takes care of himself, and I'm trying to learn to do that. Every time I see a picture of him, I am reminded that being healthy is something that you have to work at, a decision you have to make for yourself. Jimmy is straightforward and gives everything to what he does. I want to do that. So, when I see pictures of him, I smile. Then I think, "Being what I want to be isn't easy. It takes work, on every level. No one can make me feel like I'm worth the time and energy, except me." I look at his picture, and remind myself that he has fun inspiring fantasy, and he is real. I take a steadying breath, and decide: I want to do this. I can do this. I am healthy. I don't need to hide.

Then I laugh. I was thinking I might post one of his fitness pictures, but then I'd have to email and ask. I'm too afraid to even send an email. So, the fear created by abuse is still very much alive, but at least now I recognize it and can laugh about it.