Things that made me smile, today...

NikonSniper posted a picture of a dog, today. I immediately thought of one of my favorite quotes: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx

Missing my dog.

It's a cold...

Is it odd to say that it's a relief to know? It isn't allergies, so I'm guessing it's a cold. My brain is only partly here, but I know it's only going to last a few more days. It isn't unusual for me to end up with a cold when the weather bounces around like it has, this month. I'm trying not to think too much. I feel pretty crumby, which affects my attitude. I wonder what I was thinking when I started the projects I'm currently working on. It's more difficult to remember that God has been opening one door after another, particularly when right now all I want to do is curl up in bed, except then my back starts to bother me, so it's a game of trying to stay as comfortable as possible when one is in constant discomfort. LOL! It could be worse, and has been. I should be feeling like myself again by Saturday. Did you know that fresh rosemary in mashed potatoes are really yummy? Gypsy Cold Care really does help ease the symptoms of a cold. And my current favorite quote: “Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.” Winston Churchhill

Silence is Golden... or not...

Like most things, there is another side of the coin. It is that other side that has been niggling at me lately.

"Silence in the face of evil is evil itself. God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Every time I speak up, every time I make a stand, I am terrified. But I'm endeavoring to learn to "feel the fear and do it anyway." As I struggle to change from abuse victim to abuse survivor, I'm learning to recognize that there are times when silence is the only answer, and times when silence is no answer at all. Silence can be powerful, but it can also be weak. Notice that Dietrich Bonhoeffer's quote has a qualification: Silence in the face of evil...

Evil is real. You only have to be touched by it once to know beyond a shadow of a doubt. And one doesn't have to actually be touched by it to know it's real.

There are only two sides: God's and the adversary's. Every choice we make takes us closer to one or the other. I know there are those who are more than willing to judge my choices and decree which side I'm choosing. Fortunately, God knows me and knows why I've made the choices I have.

I have a lot to learn about speaking up and remaining silent. Blessedly, God is patient in His teaching. Jesus Christ is the Great Exemplar. Sometimes He spoke up, and sometimes He remained silent. Sometimes, He allowed others to speak for Him.

Carpe diem... not

Frankly, I'm surprised. I don't "get sick," not really. Once or twice a year, I have a cold. Allergies make the occasional appearance. But sore throat, nausea, headache, achiness, tiredness, feeling chilled and then too warm, no appetite... hmmm... I think I'm really actually sick. I'm so used to being accused of being lazy that it's always my first thought when I don't seem to be accomplishing much. I did do laundry, some things have to be done. I'm supposed to attend something, tomorrow night, but if I wake up feeling as crumby as I do now, I'm not going anywhere. I'd hate to share this feeling with anyone. I've isolated myself in my room for two days now. It isn't so bad.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #46

~Carl Edwards is now #1 in the standings in the Sprint Cup Chase. Go Carl!! And thanks to Fox Sports for broadcasting the race so I could watch it.

~It's a good thing I was home, this weekend. I woke with a sore throat and ears. Fortunately, my lavender oil was near at hand. I used it in my ears, this morning, and the pain is completely gone. I used Throat Coat tea, and though I still have a little bit of a sore throat, it's much improved. I slept much of the day, and though it's early, I want to crawl back into bed. I would have been miserable, on so many levels, if I'd come down sick in L.A. I'm really trying to place my trust in God.

~Mashed potatoes are great comfort food and easy on the throat.

~Fresh rosemary added a lovely flavor to my mashed potatoes.

~Chris, my Christmas cactus, is still blooming.

Reading Day...

The Tolkien Society has set aside 25 March for Reading Day. I'm a member of a Tolkien group in L.A., and they arrange to visit a local library close to the 25th. It was scheduled for today, this year. Yes, this is the trip I'm missing. We dress in costume and read favorite passages from Tolkien's books. I usually read the Flight to the Ford, because Frodo confronts the Ringwaiths himself. I find it very brave. A few years ago, I was asked to read the Destruction of the Ring as well. I enjoyed doing both. Again, what I miss MOST about L.A. are my friends.

What I did instead, today: I attend the local Ren Faire with my dad. He enjoys seeing the shows with no shopping, so that's what we did. I chose to go in costume. It was fun having a dad ask if his son could have his picture taken with me. Of course! It isn't unusual for people to think I work there. I don't mind. If I had the stamina, I think I'd enjoy doing exactly that. I met some friends I haven't seen in years and unfortunately could only remember one of the names. At least it was the name of the person I'd known the longest. I had an enjoyable chat with my nephew when we stopped by his home, and one of my friends on the other side of the country called for a chat. Now, I'm going to curl up with a book.

Mount Doom...

...and the destruction of the Ring. It's the end of an age, an important date in Middle-earth history.

I made chocolate chip cookies to celebrate. I've worked on a project that feels very like I'm throwing in my own personal Ring, hoping it's destroyed by the time I'm finished, without destroying me. I've done some reading and catching up on a few emails. I also allowed myself to grieve first thing this morning when I woke up and thought about how I had planned to be in L.A. I would have woken in my dear friend's beautiful home and spent a joyous day with her laughing and talking. Tomorrow, I would have participated in the Tolkien Reading Day activities. I enjoy reading the Destruction of the Ring. I would have gone home with another dear friend and delighted in her company. We always do fun things when I visit, one of my favorite being visiting the beach and eating delicious food. But the best part is the company. Each of my precious friends possesses some quality or gift that enriches my life as no other. I am so blessed. Frodo wouldn't have got very far without Sam.

Silence is Agreement... or is it?

This oft-quote belief was brought up in another blog (We Are One). I started to reply, and stopped, because I had so many thoughts I was headed toward a novel.

I have heard this repeated bit of "wisdom" more times than I care to remember. Usually it is spouted at me in the context of: "If you wanted something different, then you should have spoken up and said something." And it usually comes from the person to whom I did not voice my objection when they made the statement, whatever it was. I find it interesting that said person, who I may safely guarantee is not a mindreader, seems to endow themselves with the power to understand what I'm thinking without me uttering a word. How is this possible, I wonder?

After years of living in silence, I've decided it's time to make some clarifications about silence.

Never assume what a person's silence means. Ever.

If the person is an abuse survivor, you may ask for clarification, but that doesn't mean they'll give it. They have been brutally trained that what they think, believe, and feel is worthless. And your moment of compassion cannot overcome years of training. Only years and years of work, earning their trust, will open that door. My friends will attest to that.

Being an abuse survivor means that I learned silence was safer, at least in my case. I couldn't be contradicted or misinterpreted. If I was silent, then I was less likely to be noticed. Definitely a plus. There is also the ever present realization that speaking up is pointless when you already know you're going to be ignored, or worse. Silence is safer.

Is the message coming through? For someone who lives in abuse, you learn that silence is safer. Voicing your opinion, your disagreement, your hurt, your anger will only make your life more painful, more hurtful, more brutal, more frightening.

For those lovers of the silence is agreement creed, newsflash: This is only true if agreeing with you could be hazardous to my health. For example: The abuser says, "I shouldn't have said that." I know I'm in for a set up. If I agree, then the abuser has found one more thing to use to tear a strip off me at some later date. I find it an interesting paradox that by saying nothing, I agree, and yet they aren't quite sure. They were looking for a reaction. By saying nothing, I deprived them of that.

If an abuser is trying to bait me, but I say nothing, then they have nothing with which to further their agenda for power over me. How many times was I called a shrew because I was screaming, in the mistaken hope that if I only said, "Stop it," (or some variation thereof) loud enough, then the abuse would stop? I've also lost count of the number of times an abuser gave me a choice, then did what I didn't choose or something equally unwanted that hadn't even been on the "table."

What is the point of saying anything, if you're repeatedly ignored? Ignored is better than being hit. I became silent because I knew whatever I said wouldn't be respected anyway, so why waste my breath?

That being said, I've come to the realization that "silence is agreement" is a convenient excuse, a rationalization. The person saying it is endeavoring to place responsibility for the ensuing actions on the person who said nothing. Listen to what you're saying: "Silence is agreement. You agreed by not saying anything. You have no one to blame because you didn't say anything. You accepted all consequence because you were silent." What kind of logic is that?

I think this "silence is agreement" comes from atrocities like the Holocaust. Too many people remained silent when they should have spoken up. Has anyone ever considered that if you are trained to remain silent over the little things, then it's next to impossible to speak up over the big things?

It wasn't until I owned a dog that I began to learn to speak up about the little things. I didn't do it for me. I did it for her. As I learned to speak up for her, I learned to speak up for me. I'm learning to be healthier.

A more innocuous moment of silence I think, for the vast majority of us, comes because it is difficult to tell someone we think they are wrong, especially when we are uncertain ourselves, so we choose to say nothing at all. I also ask myself if it's worth the time and energy it will require to make a stand. Other priorities take precedence sometimes.

So the next time someone flings at you "Silence is agreement," beg to differ, if you think it's worth the fight. If not, silence is a perfectly acceptable answer.

Carpe diem Day 4

Laundry and vacuuming were done. A bit of reading. A lot of thinking. It rained most the day, some of it heavy, most of it not. I'm headed to bed early. I'm tired. I'm out of sorts. I checked the calender. No surprise. Shoot darn. Insides are unhappy means I ain't happy, but I can laugh about it. This is the kind of day on which NOT to imagine what the future will hold. Best to keep in the present, and be grateful "this too shall pass." A reminder that God knew both good and bad would pass.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #45 and Day 3

~PBS is broadcasting the 25th Anniversary of Les Miz, which I saw 24 years ago, in London, with most of the original cast. It was an amazing experience. I still find tears gathering in my eyes. Amazing show.

~Ren Faire fun with friends. There's value in good traditions.

~People who do their jobs to the best of their abilities.

~A good internet connection! What an incredible blessing to be connected to all my dear friends, far and wide.

~Prayer. Judy's comment, from two days ago, struck a chord with me, and I took it to heart. I talked with God while I made pancakes and rice. I'm finding that the time spent in prayer on my knees focuses on others. But my chats with God out loud focus on things concerning me. I didn't expect that. Perhaps I need to clarify. I don't pray about me very often. I figured if I didn't ask then I didn't have to hear those "wait" answers that drive me crazy. I've had lots of "wait" answers. So I stopped asking. I wasn't sure what to say, so I turned all my focus on others. I allowed myself prayers of gratitude, and occasional prayers for aid when it was needed immediately. I figured that He would either give aid or He wouldn't, but there was no time for "wait." Clever; I know. *wink* Now, I'm realizing that "wait" is an acceptable answer and doesn't mean I can't ask related questions. More importantly, sharing my concerns does not mean I'm looking for an answer. An important distinction to recognize.

Ren Faire / Day 2

My local LOTR friends blessed me with their company, treating me to a trip to the Renaissance Festival. It was a wonderful day. We watched a few shows, devoured delicious food, did a spot of fun shopping, and chatted and chatted and chatted. What a delightful day.

God also seems to be nudging me into more fully engaging in prayers, as a friend shared this quote with me on FB (God Wants You to Know): ... to worship God you must go beyond words to speak with your heart. You can mouth the words of a prayer all day long and just waste your time, unless you also speak with your heart. And to speak with your heart means to embody first. If you pray for love, be loving. If you pray for wealth, be generous. If you pray for health, practice health yourself. What is your favorite prayer? How can you begin to embody it?

Yesterday, I thought I would pray about my work and found myself praying about church. With my back trouble, the only chair I'm comfortable sitting in is the one I have here at my desk (it's extra short) or a chair at a table, so I'm able to lean forward. I do sit other places, but usually not for very long. Nothing was resolved, but it helped to voice my concern.

Today, I expressed my gratitude for the glorious day, and also admitted that I'm sad about not being able to go to L.A., next week, like I've done for the past several years. I will miss my walk on the beach. I will miss participating in the Tolkien Reading Day. Mostly, I will miss being with dear friends, who lift me, strengthen me, comfort me, encourage me, love me. I'm sad, and God understands.