Silence is Agreement... or is it?

This oft-quote belief was brought up in another blog (We Are One). I started to reply, and stopped, because I had so many thoughts I was headed toward a novel.

I have heard this repeated bit of "wisdom" more times than I care to remember. Usually it is spouted at me in the context of: "If you wanted something different, then you should have spoken up and said something." And it usually comes from the person to whom I did not voice my objection when they made the statement, whatever it was. I find it interesting that said person, who I may safely guarantee is not a mindreader, seems to endow themselves with the power to understand what I'm thinking without me uttering a word. How is this possible, I wonder?

After years of living in silence, I've decided it's time to make some clarifications about silence.

Never assume what a person's silence means. Ever.

If the person is an abuse survivor, you may ask for clarification, but that doesn't mean they'll give it. They have been brutally trained that what they think, believe, and feel is worthless. And your moment of compassion cannot overcome years of training. Only years and years of work, earning their trust, will open that door. My friends will attest to that.

Being an abuse survivor means that I learned silence was safer, at least in my case. I couldn't be contradicted or misinterpreted. If I was silent, then I was less likely to be noticed. Definitely a plus. There is also the ever present realization that speaking up is pointless when you already know you're going to be ignored, or worse. Silence is safer.

Is the message coming through? For someone who lives in abuse, you learn that silence is safer. Voicing your opinion, your disagreement, your hurt, your anger will only make your life more painful, more hurtful, more brutal, more frightening.

For those lovers of the silence is agreement creed, newsflash: This is only true if agreeing with you could be hazardous to my health. For example: The abuser says, "I shouldn't have said that." I know I'm in for a set up. If I agree, then the abuser has found one more thing to use to tear a strip off me at some later date. I find it an interesting paradox that by saying nothing, I agree, and yet they aren't quite sure. They were looking for a reaction. By saying nothing, I deprived them of that.

If an abuser is trying to bait me, but I say nothing, then they have nothing with which to further their agenda for power over me. How many times was I called a shrew because I was screaming, in the mistaken hope that if I only said, "Stop it," (or some variation thereof) loud enough, then the abuse would stop? I've also lost count of the number of times an abuser gave me a choice, then did what I didn't choose or something equally unwanted that hadn't even been on the "table."

What is the point of saying anything, if you're repeatedly ignored? Ignored is better than being hit. I became silent because I knew whatever I said wouldn't be respected anyway, so why waste my breath?

That being said, I've come to the realization that "silence is agreement" is a convenient excuse, a rationalization. The person saying it is endeavoring to place responsibility for the ensuing actions on the person who said nothing. Listen to what you're saying: "Silence is agreement. You agreed by not saying anything. You have no one to blame because you didn't say anything. You accepted all consequence because you were silent." What kind of logic is that?

I think this "silence is agreement" comes from atrocities like the Holocaust. Too many people remained silent when they should have spoken up. Has anyone ever considered that if you are trained to remain silent over the little things, then it's next to impossible to speak up over the big things?

It wasn't until I owned a dog that I began to learn to speak up about the little things. I didn't do it for me. I did it for her. As I learned to speak up for her, I learned to speak up for me. I'm learning to be healthier.

A more innocuous moment of silence I think, for the vast majority of us, comes because it is difficult to tell someone we think they are wrong, especially when we are uncertain ourselves, so we choose to say nothing at all. I also ask myself if it's worth the time and energy it will require to make a stand. Other priorities take precedence sometimes.

So the next time someone flings at you "Silence is agreement," beg to differ, if you think it's worth the fight. If not, silence is a perfectly acceptable answer.