The 7 Day Pledge... Day 3

Embracing the Truth

This concept is so incredibly huge for me. I grew up drowning in lies of one kind or another. It has only been the last few years that I have finally stopped lying, especially to myself. It's harder than most people are willing to admit. There are a lot of times when lying is simply easier. You're familiar with those: How are you? Fine. When, in fact, you're feeling awful because you received bad news, someone disappointed you, you skipped breakfast, you haven't exercised in weeks, yep, the list is pretty endless, but you don't say any of that; you only say "Fine." Sometimes that's a perfectly acceptable answer, but a lot of times it isn't. On the other side, there is the truth of asking "How are you?" Do you really want to know? Or is it simply another way of saying "Hello?" I'm working on it.

It was a pleasant surprise to realize that because of the effort I have been putting into trying to recognize the truth the exercises for this section weren't as difficult as they would have been if I'd done this exercise a few years ago. The assignment is to identify the shields I use to keep the truth at bay.

a) Eating
b) Sociophobic
c) Dated guys and had friends that took me for granted.
d) Shopping
e) Television

It wasn't asked, but I like to explore why those things are shields. If I understand the why, then I have a better understanding of what I need to change in my thinking.

a) I want to be hidden. People don't look at people who are fat. It's like you're invisible. I didn't want to be noticed. If I wasn't noticed, then I didn't have to worry about being taken advantage of or teased or belittled.
b) What if I make a mistake in public and make a fool of myself? Then everyone will know how stupid I am; they'll see how unattractive I am. If I'm not in a group, then total strangers can't come up to me and tell me about this wonderful acne treatment they know about, thus leaving me with the feeling that all they noticed about me was my acne.
c) If they took me for granted, then it didn't matter that they didn't really know me because I couldn't reveal myself to anyone. I'd been molded and shaped beyond any recognition even to myself. If they took me for granted, then I didn't have to admit that they didn't know me because I didn't know what to tell them. It was their fault.
d) Shopping proves I'm not poor. Stupid logic, I know. I don't feel poor if I'm surrounded by things that I've chosen for myself that no one can take away from me because I bought them with my own money.
e) Mindless escape, simple, straightforward. I don't have to think about anything, especially the fact that I'm not sure what's the truth and what's a lie.

The next exercise is to "Decide exactly how you'll begin to lower your shields."
a) Reduce the number of calories I eat, every day.
b) After a few years of pestering, I finally met a friend one of my other friend's had been nudging me to meet.
c) I stopped dating.
d) Stay within my budget.
e) Not turn on the television some days.

Yes, I'm already doing these, but some I started only recently. I stopped dating years ago because I knew I didn't know how to maintain healthy boundaries, among other things. But taking ownership of the decision means I can't complain about it anymore. It's my choice, my decision, and I'm allowed to change my mind later, though never to return to the old habits. Television is one that comes and goes in my life. I've done zero television and constant television, for varying reasons. I feel the most in control when I keep my television watching limited only to what I really want to watch. Music is a better choice if I simply want some "noise" in the background.

The rest of the exercises were about writing letters, and I'm not ready to share those, though to be truthful, I didn't learn anything I didn't know already regarding what was written. I will share that it asks if there were an experience or series of experiences that occurred before I was 18 that I could edit out, what would it be: The abuse. I'm not sure they meant something so... huge. But they asked.