Self-reflection and TBR...

I'm reading Tara Taylor Quinn's latest, The Truth About Comfort Cove. It's the third in the trilogy.

Whenever I read a TTQ book, I know it will take me longer than any other book of a similar length. I find myself stopping and thinking. Sometimes I have to put the book down and do a gut check for a few hours or even overnight.

When I started reading romance novels again, over 10 years ago, I approached it differently than I did when I first started reading them 25 years ago. The first time, I simply read whatever came my way. Some of it I liked, and some of it I hated. I figured it was a hit and miss kind of endeavor.

Ten years ago, my dearest friend offered to share one of her favorite authors with me. I enjoyed the book, and she sent me another by Diane Gaston. I was hooked. For the first time, I didn't search genre, as I always done in the past, I searched for authors. I know I've mentioned I have a very selective list.

When I started reading TTQ, it was the first time I knew I was reading an author who didn't simply write abuse survivors well, she knew. She graciously replied to several of my emails.

In this recent book, I realized it has been years since a man talked to me with any interest in wanting to know more about me, with the possibility of developing a relationship. To say I can be a bit off-putting would be a humungous understatement. I don't push away on purpose so much as habit.

Then her heroine explains that she likes men fine. She respects those she works with and with whom she has a professional relationship, like her accountant. Finally, she admits it's in her personal life she doesn't trust men.

I sat with it for a while.

I don't trust me.

I was taught to be subservient, to fawn, to do whatever I needed to do to please him no matter how much it cost me. I was worthless, so it shouldn't matter.

Some part of me never stopped believing I was worth more than I'd been lead to believe.

I know, now, I'm of worth, but I don't trust myself to hold to it when a man who captures my interest steps into my sphere. So I maintain a safe distance. I don't know how to change it.