Carpe diem... unexpected...

Laundry, as usual, was done, along with a few other little chores. Then came hours of work I hadn't planned on doing but found very satisfying. God's plans are remarkable and baffling. :-) He unfolds them as He wills. And watching with interest, and endeavoring to do my part. He has blessed me with more than a few mortal guardian angels, for whom I am truly grateful. I'm tired, and... at peace.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #42

~Carl was unhurt, and able to return to the track to gain more points. Disappointing, but it could have been worse. :-)

~Old friends who push me to meet new friends.

~New friends who feel like old friends from the very first moment.

~Accomplishing more than planned, sooner than planned, and then discovering needed changes, so it ends up being right on time.

~Fresh from the oven chocolate chip scones.

My life is not what I expected...

...but I'm learning to be not only okay but happy with that. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm being true to myself, not perfectly, but better than ever before. I'm asking myself some difficult questions. I've taken Thomas Jefferson's admonish to heart: "Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear." God exists. God is good. God loves us so much He was willing to send His only begotten son, Jesus Christ, to live on earth, showing us the perfect example. He loves us so much He was willing to allow His Beloved son to be sacrificed for us. Jesus loves us so much, He was willing to endure the pains of Hell for us, so He would know where to find us and know how to comfort us because He really and truly understands.

Another day, and feeling better...

Amazing what finishing a project will do for you. I'm still a little wired, but that's easing.

In browsing the various blogs I follow, We Are One posted this link to One Angry Daughter. The post is about four questions that should be asked in the boardroom, but it works outside of it, too. It was exactly what I needed, right now. It builds on what I've been working on. I wanted to post it here so I'd know where to find it quickly and easily, to remind myself what I'm striving to achieve more fully in my life: a sense of peace despite all the upheavals.

Carpe diem... Happy President's Day

Did you know that Washington served in the British army? Honorably! I learned that this year. The cherry tree legend is a lie; I've know this for a long time. What kind of nitwit thinks it's a good idea to teach children to tell the truth by telling them a lie? And we wonder why we have problems with ethics, now? Hello!

Hate when I can't sleep at night. Makes the day feel like an obstacle course, all day long.

Drives me crazy when other people think they know what's wrong with you, and if you would simply ___________, then you'd be so much better off. Huh. Come closer, so I can re-arrange your face, ie, make your mouth disappear for starters.

Sleep deprivation has some interesting side effects. I tend to keep myself in the state because it keeps the nightmares away. Too tired for them. But when I'm feeling this kind of edgy, can't sleep, the mind doesn't have quite the same restraints. Then again, this is probably also a byproduct of PMS. Yippee, skippy! This is frequently when God finds Himself on the other end of a Scotch blessing. Well, He started it! Go ahead, try to argue with me on that one.

Sending myself to my room, now. Oh, wait, I'm already here! Great. Okay, God, now what?

How's that for a completely different perspective? :-) Don't let life become boring. It's far too short.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #41

~Rain is good. We need rain. Blessedly, there was no lightening and no power outage.

~Reading contest entries are read, rated, and ready to be submitted. Whew.

~Racing season has officially started!! Whoohoo! And Carl came in second!! It was a fantastic race in Daytona!

~Retreated mostly this week. Sometimes, it's a good idea to step back and re-evaluate. God has kindly blessed me with friends who are supportive and understanding.

~Recommitting to follow where God leads. It isn't easy, especially when it doesn't fit what many others think is the best path. It's scary to turn your life over to God, with no clue as to what the next step might be. I know too well that God does not always deliver us. I often joke with my sister that God doesn't really care if we live or die because He sees the bigger picture, the completed tapestry, the beginning from the end. Whatever we suffer He knows. I do believe He weeps with us because His compassion is all encompassing. But that doesn't change the truth that in our suffering and tribulation God sees possibilities beyond our imagining. Where do I find any comfort in all that? I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are never, ever alone. God is always near. We may turn away. We may shun Him. But He is ever faithful. It is who He is. He is everywhere, so how could we ever be alone? Now, I freely admit that there are times when I don't hear Him, but that is because I don't understand the message. Before I gained my personal testimony of God, I often felt alone, empty. Now, the loneliness I feel is about my feeling of being cut off by my own lack of understanding. Even as I berate myself for this or that mistake, I sense God's loving presence, waiting me out, eternally patient with me, until I "wind down," and acknowledge Him. Perhaps all this upheaval in my life is God's way of giving me a gentle shake, that 2x4 I asked for. My future seems terribly bleak and uncertain, right now. I'll not be taking my annual California trip because canceling is practical, my finances/job situation being what they are. Perhaps what this week has really been about is me mourning. I go to L.A. twice a year, only for a weekend. I quietly refer to them as my health vacations. It's a relief to escape the constant need to be on guard. They remind me what is healthy, sustain me, and strengthen me for the next six months, until I'm able to return again for another weekend of sanity. I've been admitting, this week, I'm angry with God about a few things, and this is one more. The frustration of believing I'm following God's will and having the ground fall away and all the doors close and not a window in sight. That being said, I still believe in God. I still turn to God. I still ask God, "What next?" So, okay, God, what next?

Ever have one of those days...

...or one of those weeks, when all you want to do is crawl back into bed, pull the covers over your head, and pretend the world is far, far away? Yep, it's been that kind of week. There have been a few bright spots, mostly time blessed by friends. I look around me and want to weep. Tonight, I'm placing all in God's hands. I'll not promise to leave it there. I've a lot of years of practice carrying the load myself, but tonight, I'm firmly handing it all over to God. As Mary Ellen Edmonds quoted Mary Crowley, "Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway." Well, I haven't learned how to do it every evening, but tonight, I am. And that is all that God expects of me, in this moment.

Closing your eyes to evil...

...does not make it go away.

Freedom in Chains by Deena Remiel

This well-written essay isn't easy to read. It's harder knowing that this story is far too common. Sadder still are all those who are still trapped. And for those who think that it doesn't happen to their friends or in their neighborhood, think again. I grew up on a street with a pedophile, an evil man who preyed on children of varying ages, and required that they prey on each other or be punished. Where were the parents of these children? Unbelieving that such evil could exist, regardless of the fact that they were Bible readers. For some reason, it never occurred to them that God wanted them to know the face of evil, so they would recognize it and crush it. I was saved from that heinous situation by my sister. She bargained me out. I remember.

Feeling out of sorts...

Sometimes, life is like that. Today is. I took a break, today. Feeling emotionally unsettled. So not liking PMS. Which is why I'm not too horribly worried about not much being accomplished. I'm tired, too, which doesn't help. I go to bed, at a reasonable hour, and then lay there with my mind exhibiting heavy tendencies to ADD. This is one of the times I miss my dog the most. She had a specific bedtime, and I was expected to go to bed as well. And stroking her soft fur was incredibly calming.

My life is never boring...

A very dear friend used to say that to me all the time, and for her, it was true. In fact, when I was feeling really crumby and my world seemed to be dark as pitch, with no hope in sight anywhere, I'd call her. She would listen to me complain and fret and cry. Once it was all out, to someone I knew understood and cared, I was able to breath and ask, "Now tell me about you, I know my problems will seem like nothing." And comparatively speaking, they were, but she never disregarded my troubles or belittled them in any way. She would tell her tale of woe, and then the next thing I knew she had us both laughing with her dark humor. She taught me about strength, courage, perseverance, endurance, falling down and picking yourself up again. She was a God-given gift, and I almost missed out on her. Thank God I wised up, with her help. There are so many things I want to tell her, want to know what she thinks. She's with God now, and has been for a year and a half. I miss her.

Carpe diem... Happy Valentine's Day

Bah humbug. :-)

Laundry was done. Made chocolate chip cookies. Worked on a couple of projects. Tried not to think about my change in work status. Did a bit of honest reflecting. I'm struggling with trusting God. I want to trust Him. I do. What's not to trust in the One who is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving? And yet, a part of me does not. I keep circling back to my counselor's last inadvertent can of worms. He thought we were on the same page. I'll never forget the jaw-drop look on his face when he said, "You don't know what it is to be secure." Nope. Haven't a clue. So, I'm learning as I go. Sometimes, I think I'm doing pretty good, and other times it's like having a boulder on top of me that I can't move. I've learned to wait out those boulders. A new day will come. Sometimes it brings a respite; sometimes it doesn't. I actually accomplished quite a lot, today. But there has been that underlying hum of fear that does not go away, ever. That being said, I am not giving up. Giving up simply isn't in my nature, or at least it doesn't seem to be. I'm no one's idea of successful or "together," but God didn't ask that of me. He has only asked that I don't give up on Him, and not for Him but for me.