Thank Goodness It's Sunday #63

~The gift of Prayer, when I may formally express my gratitude and ask of God blessings for others and myself.

~Friends, who lift, encourage, strengthen, inspire, love, and believe in me.

~More work that helps pay the bills.

~Poke wars are fun. :-)

~NASCAR TrackPass offered RaceView for the Nationwide race free. Thank you! I'd rather watch the dots zipping around the track, than watch the leader board change after each lap. Even more fun, I was able to listen to Carl Edward's radio. He came in fifth. SPRINT CUP: The race is viewable on ESPN, but I don't have it. The guys at the Yahoo chat are great. Thanks Jay Hart, Geoffrey Miller, and Nick Bromberg. Unfortunately, Carl came in 14th. He had some engine trouble early. However, Paul Menard had his first win, so congrats to him. That being said, still cheering wildly because Carl is still first overall in the Sprint. Whoohoo!!

My Heroes... Marc Alan Lee

There are days, and then there are days, and this has been one of those weeks. I'm wondering what in the world I'm thinking, and spending a lot of time feeling terrified of what the future holds because, right now, I have absolutely no clue. I feel like such a coward. What kind of life is it when you're nowhere near where you hoped and dreamed and planned to be, ever? I want to give up, quit, and then I read about someone like Marc Alan Lee.

The first Navy SEAL killed in Iraq, August 2, 2006. Americas Mighty Warriors

And I remind myself that I have not been asked to give my life. God has asked me to LIVE my life. And so, I endeavor to follow where my heart leads, though I do not understand the whys of it. The how is easy: One step at a time.

Treasure
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 2 Corinthians 4:7
You may not have a lot of money, but you have incredible wealth. You may not have an abundance of things, but you possess more than you could ever ask or think. God has placed within you the greatest treasure anyone can ever possess-it is the life of Jesus Christ. You have, living within you, the beauty of His holiness, the kindness of His grace, the freedom of His truth, the compassion of His mercy, the greatness of His power, and the riches of His love. He has freely lavished upon you a treasure house of blessings that you can freely give away to others.
-Roy Lessin, DaySpring co-founder and writer

Some days...

...I find myself asking God to simply see me through to the end of the day, so I can start over tomorrow. Today is one of those days. It isn't actually a bad day. I'm tired, and that never helps. I finished my work in a reasonable amount of time. I was looking forward to accomplishing several things, and then I found myself stuck. I didn't know why; I only knew there was something I needed to change. Maddening. I tried distracting myself, knowing that sooner or later my brain would drag out of the depths of my subconscious what needed to be done. Four hours later, it did, but now I don't want to do anything more than curl up with a book for a few hours, and go to sleep early, but not too early.

What bothers me about the day is that it feels like I'm living very much on the surface. It seems to be a place I go when I'm feeling very insecure and out of sorts, wondering what in the world I'm thinking on my current path. I feel like I've done nothing all day, and yet I've worked on my WordPress stuff, finished my work, done a bit of catch up in several areas, and straightened out a continuity problem that really needed to be fixed. A mild headache is probably not helping any. Then again, I'm looking at putting into motion plans I've had percolating for a very long time. I miss my dog. Funny how thinking that brings an unexpected calm.

Week Five of REAL...

The 22nd: weigh in: 242 lb. That's discouraging to see. I had trouble going to sleep, and then woke up at 2 AM, then slept through my alarm at 5 AM, clear through to 7 AM. What? This is not helpful. *pfft* It's 8 AM, and I've completed 2 SEAL puppy reps and my physical therapy. Adventure to HP Deathly Hallows Part 2 in 3-D, with my sister and my dad. That was FUN! Had popcorn, lots of popcorn. Tried my bread with pbj, and it's yummy. At 9:30 PM, I decided to see if SEAL puppy reps 2x would help me sleep better. We'll see.

The 23rd: weigh in: 241.4 lb. A two-mile walk. Two reps of my SEAL puppy routine. Physical therapy, all before 8:30 AM. Good friend over to visit, and share lunch, nothing fancy. Made bread, pasta, and pancakes. Fresh bread for dinner. Definitely yummy.

The 24th: weigh in: 240.6 lb. Woke with a horrific headache. Hate when that happens.

The 25th: weigh in: 240 lb. Did not sleep well. Storms, last night, woke me at midnight and again at 2 AM. Then I woke to odd nightmares at 3 AM. Alarm went off at 5 AM. Two SEAL puppy reps, one-mile walk, two more SEAL puppy reps, and physical therapy, before 6 AM. Go me.

The 26th: weigh in 239.2 lb. Slept well. Thank you, God. Two SEAL puppy reps and physical therapy. Feeling pretty good, this morning. And the day went downhill from there. By the time I reached 5 PM, which is when I usually would have gone to my dinner meeting, my sciatica was screaming and sitting was no longer an option.

The 27th: weigh in: 239.8 lb. Slept okay. I have an odd rash on my arm. Thank goodness for Mum's Blend. Two SEAL puppy reps, one-mile walk, two more SEAL puppy reps, and physical therapy.

The 28th: weigh in: 240.2 lb. Waist circumference: 41". Yes, you read that right. From this time last week to today, I've lost 1.4 lb and 1". And I woke up so discouraged, after sleeping only 4-1/2 hours, which is never helpful, though I woke without my alarm clock. Go figure. Two SEAL puppy reps and physical therapy all done by 5:30 AM. It's isn't even 6 AM, and I'm dressed, with my hair done. I work at home. Work isn't even half done. Brain scattered. Working on the project. Trying to decide if I like WordPress or if I'd be happier using Blogger. Not a good day for making decisions. That being said, I'm nearing the end of the evening, and I'm feeling better, but of course I'm following the breadcrumbs. All is in God's hands.

Bits and bobs...

Fear is an opportunity to exercise faith. Time to do some exercise, and it's exercise EVERYONE can do.

I need to remember that after a bad night, it takes two days before I stop feeling like I have the attention span of a flea.

Again reminding myself, when I decide to read a Tara Taylor Quinn book I need to accept that not much else will be accomplished. I also need to allow myself that time. TTQ's writing always finds me evaluating where I am in my healing process.

Today was a pretty good day. Yesterday wouldn't have been nearly as bad if I'd listened to what my heart was telling me. This morning, I woke up and realized I needed to change my perspective on several things and did.

Everything that needed to be done, today, was done, and a few other things, too.

My latest quote so fit today...

There's a time for joking around and a time to be serious; this is not one of them. --Anonymous

My niece has been struggling with procrastination. That was me, today, and yet not. Work is not done. Fortunately, there's tomorrow. I did not attend my monthly meeting. Fortunately, there's next month. My answer to her was really for me. This was her quote, today: "It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." ~ Annie Gottlier

And this was my answer: It isn't always easy when you want to, either. Some things simply take a lot of work. The question is how badly do you want it? Do you want it badly enough to do the work, the hard stuff, the yucky stuff, the painful stuff? Sometimes, procrastination is because it really isn't the best choice for us. Sometimes, procrastination is because it isn't quite time yet, another puzzle piece needs to be added. The problem is when procrastination is an excuse to not do what needs to be done right now. Priorities is learning to recognize what needs to be done right now and what can wait until later or doesn't need to be done, ever.

What I did today: I read Tara Taylor Quinn's latest book: Full Contact. I know, as soon as I see the book available for pre-order, that when I pick it up, the day will be gone. Her stories touch me in ways that stop me in my tracks. I laugh and cry and think and wonder. This book had a plot twist that was absolutely perfect for this book and these characters. The central message of this book, for me, is that there are two types of running away: The type where you run away from life by hiding away, and the type were you actually don't stay in one place. I easily recognized the latter. I also remember where I was and what I was doing when I decided it was time to stop running away. At the time, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. As I read her book, I realized I also do the former. I'm a bit sociophobic, not without reason. I've worked hard to improve, but reading the book I realized I still have a long way to go. It was a day spent unexpectedly and well spent. All the other stuff will still be there, waiting, tomorrow. Today is for absorbing and processing and seeing how this shifts my life because TTQ's books always do.

Carpe diem... not so much...

We had storms, all last night, which meant I didn't sleep well. I'd wake up every one or two hours, then have trouble going back to sleep. We need the rain, so I'm not asking it to go away. It's actually an old habit. My dog didn't like storms, so she'd wake me whenever there was a storm, every one to two hours. She's been gone almost five years, but the habit seems to be here to stay. What I did manage to accomplish: Worked marginally on some projects. Added another author to my no list. Read more of The Warrior Elite. I had stopped, for a time, after chapter one, as I tried to implement my SEAL puppy routine. Chapter two is about First Phase, which means it is only becoming more physical. I'm pleased that my SEAL puppy routine is becoming easier, with practice, but I will never, as in not in a million years, ever be able to accomplish even the basic requirements to pass the original screening, let alone enter First Phase. That being said, I am having fun with my itty-bitty SEAL reps.

Thank Goodness It's Sunday #62

~NASCAR Carl won the Nationwide race. Whoohoo!! Unfortunately, it's only available if you can afford to pay for it, which I can't. Life is what it is. Thank goodness for highlights, which I will be able to see online. Yay!!

~Fresh, homemade, baked bread. Nothing smells like it, and nothing tastes like it. A bit of heaven.

~Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2. Sadly, the saga has come to an end. They did themselves proud. Saw with Dad and Sister at IMAX in 3-D. Brilliant!!

~Time spent with dear friends, with whom I'm safe to be myself, warts 'n all.

~Time spent with family members, connecting and sharing laughter.

My Heroes... Mrs. Gene Bauer

I have not met this woman, but she influences me, every time I read or remember this story. Over at my sister's blog, We Are One, she posted the Daffodil Principle, and I asked if I could copy and post it here, in its entirety. I heard about this, from her, years ago. I'm so grateful she found it and shared it, again. It epitomizes Tolkien's own belief: "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future."

http://www.holisticpractitionersnetwork.com/Articles/daffodil_principle.htm

THE DAFFODIL PRINCIPLE

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say. "Mother, you must come see the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead. Going and coming took most of a day -- and I honestly did not have a free day until the following week.

"I will come next Tuesday," I promised, a little reluctantly, on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and so I drove the length of Route 91, continued on I-215, and finally turned onto Route 18 and began to drive up the mountain highway. The tops of the mountains were sheathed in clouds, and I had gone only a few miles when the road was completely covered with a wet, gray blanket of fog. I slowed to a crawl, my heart pounding. The road becomes narrow and winding toward the top of the mountain. As I executed the hazardous turns at a snail's pace, I was praying to reach the turnoff at Blue Jay that would signify I had arrived.

When I finally walked into Carolyn's house and hugged and greeted my grandchildren. I said, "Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in the clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these darling children that I want to see bad enough to drive another inch!"

My daughter smiled calmly, "We drive in this all the time, Mother."

"Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears—and then I'm heading for home!" I assured her.

"I was hoping you'd take me over to the garage to pick up my car. The mechanic just called, and they've finished repairing the engine," she answered.

"How far will we have to drive?" I asked cautiously.

"Just a few blocks," Carolyn said cheerfully. So we buckled up the children and went out to my car. "I'll drive," Carolyn offered. "I'm used to this."

We got into the car, and she began driving. In a few minutes I was aware that we were back on the Rim-of-the-World road heading over the top of the mountain.

"Where are we going?" I exclaimed, distressed to be back on the mountain road in the fog. "This isn't the way to the garage!"

"We're going to my garage the long way," Carolyn smiled, "by way of the daffodils."

"Carolyn," I said sternly, trying to sound as if I were still the mother and in charge of the situation, "please turn around. There is nothing in the world that I want to see enough to drive on this road in this weather."

"It's all right, Mother," she replied with a knowing grin. "I know what I'm doing. I promise, you will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."

And so my sweet, darling daughter who had never given me a minute of difficulty in her whole life was suddenly in charge -- and she was kidnapping me! I couldn't believe it. Like it or not, I was on the way to see some ridiculous daffodils -- driving through the thick, gray silence of the mist-wrapped mountaintop at what I thought was risk to life and limb. I muttered all the way.

After about twenty minutes we turned onto a small gravel road that branched down into an oak-filled hollow on the side of the mountain. The Fog had lifted a little, but the sky was lowering, gray and heavy with clouds. We parked in a small parking lot adjoining a little stone church. From our vantage point at the top of the mountain we could see beyond us, in the mist, the crests of the San Bernardino range like the dark, humped backs of a herd of elephants. Far below us the fog-shrouded valleys, hills, and flatlands stretched away to the desert.

On the far side of the church I saw a pine-needle-covered path, with towering evergreens and manzanita bushes and an inconspicuous, hand-lettered sign "Daffodil Garden."

We each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path as it wound through the trees. The mountain sloped away from the side of the path in irregular dips, folds, and valleys, like a deeply creased skirt. Live oaks, mountain laurel, shrubs, and bushes clustered in the folds, and in the gray, drizzling air, the green foliage looked dark and monochromatic. I shivered.

Then we turned a corner of the path, and I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight, unexpectedly and completely splendid. It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it down over the mountain peak and slopes where it had run into every crevice and over every rise. Even in the mist-filled air, the mountainside was radiant, clothed in massive drifts and waterfalls of daffodils.

The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, saffron, and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety (I learned later that there were more than thirty-five varieties of daffodils in the vast display) was planted as a group so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue.

In the center of this incredible and dazzling display of gold, a great cascade of purple grape hyacinth flowed down like a waterfall of blossoms framed in its own rock-lined basin, weaving through the brilliant daffodils.

A charming path wound throughout the garden. There were several resting stations, paved with stone and furnished with Victorian wooden benches and great tubs of coral and carmine tulips. As though this were not magnificence enough, Mother Nature had to add her own grace note -- above the daffodils, a bevy of western bluebirds flitted and darted, flashing their brilliance. These charming little birds are the color of sapphires with breasts of magenta red. As they dance in the air, their colors are truly like jewels above the blowing, glowing daffodils.

The effect was spectacular. It did not matter that the sun was not shining. The brilliance of the daffodils was like the glow of the brightest sunlit day. Words, wonderful as they are, simply cannot describe the incredible beauty of that flower-bedecked mountain top.

Five acres of flowers! (This too I discovered later when some of my questions were answered.)

"But who has done this?" I asked Carolyn.

I was overflowing with gratitude that she brought me - even against my will. This was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. "Who?" I asked again, almost speechless with wonder, "and how, and why, and when?"

"It's just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home. " Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house that looked small and modest in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house, my mind buzzing with questions. On the patio we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking" was the headline. The first answer was a simple one.
"50,000 bulbs," it read. The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and very little brain." The third answer was, "Began in 1958."


There it was. The Daffodil Principle. For me that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than thirty-five years before, had begun -- one bulb at a time -- to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountain-top.


One bulb at a time. There was no other way to do it. One bulb at a time. No shortcuts -- simply loving the slow process of planting. Loving the work as it unfolded. Loving an achievement that grew so slowly and that bloomed for only three weeks of each year. Still, just planting one bulb at a time, year after year, had changed the world.


This unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. She had created something of ineffable magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration: learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time -- often just one baby-step at a time -- learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world.

"Carolyn," I said that morning on the top of the mountain as we left the haven of daffodils, our minds and hearts still bathed and bemused by the splendors we had seen, "it's as though that remarkable woman has needle- pointed the earth! Decorated it. Just think of it, she planted every single bulb. For more than thirty years. One bulb at a time! And that's the only way this garden could be created. Every individual bulb had to be planted. There was no way of short-circuiting that process. Five acres of blooms. That magnificent cascade of hyacinth! All, all, just one bulb at a time." The thought of it filled my mind. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the implications of what I had seen.

"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years. Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"

My wise daughter put the car into gear and summed up the message of the day in her direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said with the same knowing smile she had worn for most of the morning.

Oh, profound wisdom! It is pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson a celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use tomorrow?" I also learned on that gray and golden morning what a blessing it is to have a child who is not a child anymore but a woman perceptive and loving beyond her years -- and to be humble in that awareness.

Thank you, Carolyn. Thank you for lessons of that unforgettable morning. Thank you for the gift of the daffodils.

Jaroldeen Asplund Edwards
NOTE:
This is a real garden by Mrs. Gene Bauer of Running Spring, CA
http://doityourself.com/flowers/paintingwithflowers.htm

Anyone can visit during peak bloom time, early March to early April. The garden is located below Running Springs, California, in the San Bernardino Mountains. From the city of Highland (about 60 miles east of downtown Los Angeles), take Highway 330 toward Running Springs. Drive 14 miles into the mountains to the intersection of Live Oak Dr. and Fredalba. Turn right on Fredalba and proceed one mile. Park in the church parking lot. From there, signs will direct you.

She has been through 2 fires in the last 4 years and has lost many of the daffodils. Perhaps, only if you want to, you can send her $5 in the mail so she can buy a few new bulbs.

Mrs. Gene Bauer's Daffodil Garden
c/o St. Ann's Catholic Church
30480 Fredalba Rd.
Running Springs CA 92382

My Declaration of Independence... simplified... sort of...

I had planned to modernize all the verbiage, but some of it is simply too fun to waste.

MUB – My Unhealthy Behaviors

My Declaration of Independence
My Want, Will and Hope
HERE, JULY 22, 2011

The time has come to end past habits that have resulted in continuing unhealthy behaviors, which are contradictory to what God intended for me. Respect for myself requires that I declare the causes that impel me to end those behaviors, so that all excuses are put to rest.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that I am endowed by my Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, healthy behaviors are instituted, by my healthy self, — Whenever any behavior becomes destructive of these ends, it is my Right to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new behavior, laying the foundation on healthy principles and organizing a logical process, as to me shall seem most likely to effect my Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that behaviors long established should not be changed for light and transient causes (reminder to self: Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water); and accordingly all experience hath shewn that I am more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right myself by abolishing the forms to which I am accustomed (In other words, I tend to lean toward ‘better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t know). But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce me under absolute Despotism (enough evidence has stacked up to prove change is necessary), it is my right, it is my duty, to throw off such unhealthy behaviors, and to provide new Guards (healthy behaviors) for my future security. — Such has been my patient sufferance (I’ve put up with plenty); and such is now the necessity which constrains me to alter the former System of Behaviors (time to change). The history of the present unhealthy behaviors is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over me. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

MUB have refused to take ownership for holding me back from what is wholesome and necessary for my good.

MUB have ignored my efforts to create healthy habits by kicking in automatically. When I try to establish healthy behaviors, MUB wedge themselves in by slipping back into practice so easily.

MUB pretend like I’m allowed to establish healthy behaviors, for a short time, then they tyrannize their way back into my life.

MUB have dissolved my healthy behaviors repeatedly, for opposing with any firmness their invasions on my rights as a human being. (I can’t really say it any clearer than that.)

MUB have refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause other less healthy behaviors to be chosen, whereby my rights to choose have returned to the drawing board without success; while I remain, in the mean time, exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within. (No matter how much I try to establish healthy behaviors, MUB are so familiar and comfortable and easy that I find myself struggling to stick to anything new, because it’s awkward, uncomfortable, and usually hard work, without instant recognition of success.)

MUB are so ingrained that they obstruct any attempt to establish healthy behaviors.

MUB have made themselves Judge and Jury alone for the tenure of their offices, i.e., until further notice.

MUB have erected a multitude of New Rules, and sent hither swarms of excuses to harass me and eat away my sense of self.

MUB have kept, in times of peace, Standing Armies without my Consent for their defense, so I will always be wrong.

MUB have affected to render their Military arsenal independent of and superior to my Power over myself.

MUB have combined with others to subject me to a jurisdiction foreign to my sense of what is healthy; giving their Assent to their Acts of pretended Rules:

Blaming me for things that are not my fault or my responsibility:

Protecting my abusers, and willfully handing me over to those abusers:

Teaching me that I was incapable of doing anything of worth:

Imposing arbitrary rules that changed without notice, without my Consent:

Depriving me of the benefit of boundaries that provided safety from unhealthy behaviors:

Transporting me beyond Reason to be tried for pretended offences, sometimes by others and sometimes by my own sense of self:

Abolishing my right to free will, establishing therein an Arbitrary set of rules, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute unhealthy rules regarding my person:

Taking away my God-given free will, abolishing God’s most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of God’s Government:

Suspending my rights to choose, and declaring themselves invested with power to dictate for me in all cases whatsoever.

MUB have abdicated responsibility, by declaring me out of their Protection and waging War against me.

MUB have plundered my boundaries, ravaged my sense of self, burnt my values, and destroyed my ability to be truly healthy.

MUB are, at this time, transporting large Armies of pretend offences and “witnesses” to complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy residents of a civilized nation.

MUB have constrained and taken Captive anything they can use against me, to become the executioners of my health and hope.

MUB have excited domestic insurrections amongst those with whom I’m acquainted, and have endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of the ruling public, the merciless enablers whose known rule of warfare is an undistinguished destruction of everything.

In every stage of these Oppressions I have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: My repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. MUB, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of me.

Nor have I been wanting in attentions to those who supported or at least did not object to those past unhealthy behaviors. I have warned them, from time to time, of attempts to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over me. I have reminded them of the circumstances of my creating what I think will be healthy behaviors. I have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and I have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. I must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as I hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends. (I’m tired of being ignored or treated like I’m stupid.)

I, therefore, my healthy self, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good person I am at heart, solemnly publish and declare, That I am, and of Right ought to be a Free and Independent person, that I am Absolved from all Allegiance to the unhealthy behaviors, and that all past connections between me and the unhealthy behaviors, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent Person, I have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which an Independent Person may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I pledge my Life, my Fortune, and my sacred Honor.

— Judy

Week Four of REAL...

I'm going to try something new with REAL. It's the 15th, and I weighed in at 239 lb. Reflecting on the posts of the last couple of days, I'm realizing that I really am hiding. I've submitted an application for my dream job, and I'm waiting to hear back. I'm trying to keep my hopes from floating off into the stratosphere. It could be a few months before I hear anything. In the meantime, I'm keeping busy.

It's the 16th, and I weighed in at 240 lb, again. I also didn't sleep well, last night. I watched my DVD Inception. It was an interesting premise. I don't care for stories that don't have a proper ending. It's like letting rats loose in my brain, as I try to puzzle it out, when there is nothing to puzzle out. I did perform my physical therapy, today. I truly do try to keep that up, but I manage to remember for a few days, and then I forget. Maybe keeping track here will help.

The 17th, and weigh in is 239.2 lb. I slept 12 hours. I suspect I'm not well. When my friend called, my voice kept disappearing. I've decided to take a different perspective, one I've known I ought to pursue for some time but haven't had the courage. I've come to realize something about myself. I'm not afraid to live. I'm not afraid to fail. I am afraid of being wrong. So, I'll explore my experiment and report after it succeeds or fails. And strangely enough, I don't consider failure being wrong. I know that you can do everything right and fail. What would be wrong would be to accept failure as final.

The 18th, and weigh in is 239.2 lb. I slept six hours, went for a one-mile walk, did my physical therapy, and started a new exercise routine, which is a frail shadow of the SEAL basics, baby SEAL? Infant SEAL? Okay, a pretend SEAL.

The 19th, and weigh in is 239.4 lb. I slept only four hours. Last night, I was caught up in a book and wanted to finish, but finally realized I wasn't going to without staying up even later. I made a choice, and decided I could finish the book in the morning. When I woke, I felt an electrical burst of pain in the heel of my foot. I wanted to rub it to make it stop; reminding myself that I was lying on my back, the pain was probably a pinched nerve, so I needed to move. I'd had a mild headache for days, and then reminded myself that SEALs take ibuprofen, so I did. You do what you gotta do. Yes, I understand I will never be a SEAL, not in any way, shape, or form, but the basic information, I figure, is sound. I started today with my CIB (Carnation Instant Breakfast), and my itty-bitty SEAL routine, finishing with my physical therapy. Before 11:00 AM, I did another ittty-bitty SEAL routine and physical therapy. Lunch is done. A nap called. Unfortunately, I woke to a nightmare. Fortunately, my BFF called, and pulled me from it.

The 20th, and weigh in is 241.4 lb. Waist circumference: 42". How discouraging. Slept really badly. I had trouble settling down, and then woke to odd dreams, which are better than nightmares. One-mile walk, two reps of my miniscule SEAL routine, and physical therapy. In the early afternoon, I did two more reps, and physical therapy. DIdn't want to nap, even though I'm tired. No more dreams, please. Maybe instead of a pretend SEAL, I'm a SEAL wannabe, a SEAL pup... puppy? SEAL puppy? I kind of like that.

The 21st, and weight in is 241.6. Not a good trend, but not beating myself up because I can't remember ever having so much fun with exercise. I simply had to do my puppy SEAL routine this morning, though I only did it once, but while I was at it, I went ahead and did my physical therapy, too. I was asleep by 10:30 last night, but woke at 3 AM. Fortunately, I was able to go back to sleep, but didn't want to wake when the wake-call came at 5:30 a.m. Took a one-hour nap, and woke feeling significantly better. I also put my contacts in, today. I try to take regular breaks from them. Considering my age, and the fact that I still don't need reading glasses, oh, and my eyesight has actually improved since my first ophthalmologist appointment, in my mid 20s, I must be doing something right.

It's always fun to make a client laugh. I called and said, "I'm desperate. What are 'scerms' and how do you spell it?" The laughter went on for quite a while. Glad I could amuse. SKRM ~ Selective Kinase Response Modulator. Oh. Yea, that's definitely going in my personal dictionary.