Crimes and Punishments...

I've thought about this often, but it was brought home recently. I have a tendency to punish myself with food. Yep. It isn't a reward; it's a punishment. I eat when I'm not hungry. I always thought it was because I was bored, at least that's what so many of the gurus have said. But I don't allow myself to become bored. Being bored was always a dangerous proposition. It usually meant work; really unpleasant work. So, I learned, long ago, to have more to do than I could possibly ever accomplish. I can think of times when I've eaten food I knew would make me sick. I remember as a child being forced to eat food that made me sick. I don't need abusers now, I'm quite capable of carrying out their work without any help or input from them. I know what parameters they set, and how to work within those parameters. Sounds horrendous. But doesn't seem that way to me because I grew up with it. I'm finally recognizing that this is a fight for my life. If I continue on this course; I will die. It must stop. This is not a path God intended for anyone. First, I needed to recognize when I was punishing myself. I'm learning to do that, but sometimes it's still after the fact. 20/20 hindsight. Sometimes, it's as simple as I am tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of feeling like no matter what I do it doesn't make a difference. So, I punish myself for wanting to give up. I punished myself for not being able to stay at church because someone came in wearing perfume. I didn't say it made sense. It doesn't. I am able to stop, sometimes and more often now than in the past. I think part of that has been recognizing all the ways I punish myself. Eating badly. It doesn't help that there are zealots out there telling me how to eat, and I feel stupidly guilty that I can't eat whole grains. Eating healthy by the commonly accepted standard would kill me, and yet I feel guilt that I physically cannot eat as they recommend. "It's healthy." Not for me! I try to exercise every day, but I'm not a huge fan. I do it because it's good for me, and we come back to me punishing myself by doing things that aren't good for me. Sleep. That's great, as long as the nightmares stay away. It only takes one, and I'm staying awake until I can't keep my eyes open, for days. I look at my cluttered room and know I punish myself for that, and yet I've tried it clean and it makes me depressed. If it's cluttered I tell myself I don't notice my dog being gone. So what are the crimes I'm punishing myself for, really? Having a body that isn't perfect. Being sad. Not fitting in. Being different. God created me to be unique, and I'm punishing myself because I am.

It's time to change. It's time to learn to think differently. It is a Herculean task before me. I'm not a computer whose hard drive can be wiped and reprogramed. I have to start where I am, recognize and take responsibility for what I think and do, and learn new ways of thinking and behaving. I'm tired just thinking about it, but I'm changing, which means I will not stuff something into my mouth in an effort to shut up what I'm thinking. Hmmm... I do that. I eat so I don't have to feel or think. I knew I used food to stuff my feelings, but I didn't realize I use it to turn off my brain, like television when I don't want to think anymore. So, what do I do instead, now that I've taken away the old standby? Eating was easy, usually tasted pretty good, and convenient. It's a little scary taking that old habit away. Okay, it's a lot scary, but things cannot stay the same; they must change, and the only way they change is if I change it. God will not live my life for me. He gave me a brain, and expects me to use it. I'm a pretty good problem solver, and really good at not giving up. I'll give myself permission to call it quits for the day, but I know tomorrow is coming, and I'll have to keep moving. God did not put me on this earth to quit. He put me, as He created me, knowing what would happen in my life, on this earth for a purpose. He even provided the Atonement for all the times I mess up. I've often said that God doesn't need to punish because we usually do it ourselves. I simply hadn't realized how adept I had become. So maybe part of this whole needing to change is me needing to forgive myself for not being what I thought I should be, and instead turn to God and let Him make of me what He would like me to be... could it truly be that simple, and that hard?