That quote is from last Friday's post. It is the perfect illustration of being unwilling to face core problems. It's so much easier to simply stick to what is on the surface. Yes, this is a little deeper than "I'm fat."
However, it isn't really the core problem.
The core problem: I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of being noticed.
And there roars the past, ready to devour me.
I'm still avoiding the truth. Dig a little deeper.
I was noticed and abused.
That still isn't the core issue.
Really.
The core issue:
I was abused by people I trusted, and I never want it to happen again.
There. The truth.
Now, taking it a step further: How in the world will being fat protect me?
The logic escapes me.
I wonder how many of us raised by narcissists have this issue. In my NFOO, my mother was the ideal woman - beautiful, thin, sophisticated, with impeccable taste. The GC was chosen because she looked like my Nmother. The rest of us paid court to both of them, but we weren't supposed to take any attention from them. When I was 16, someone told my mother that I was beautiful and she told me about this with complete surprise in her voice - I don't think I'll ever forget the look of incredulity on her face! Who isn't beautiful at 16? But it was scary, too - standing out in any way in that group was frightening- only Nmother and GC could get that kind of attention according to the family rules. The rest of us were supposed to fade into the background except when needed - AACK! Getting needs met by food has been my way of dealing with this for so long - I'm working on getting my Nmother out of my head and that's helping and I'm trying to be good to myself - and I'm allowing myself to explore things that I really want to do instead of what I SHoULD, which is a scary adventure, but mostly I love it!
ReplyDeleteNow that you've asked the question, Toto, I can't help but think a lot of us have used food to give us what we need. It never disappoints. It never demands the impossible. It never expects to be worshipped or obeyed.
DeleteI'm excited for you on your new adventure! It isn't quite so scary knowing I'm not alone. :-)
In the face of horror, I still have to smile... 'The logic escapes me." Me, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm developing some ideas with the help of some other bloggers. I'll share them here once I've gathered them all up.
DeleteI am struggling with the same thing. It will be interesting to compare notes.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to it. :-)
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