Needing some calm...

I read joyfulalivewoman's blog, today. I'm glad to see she's doing better. I also felt a much needed sense of calm. In a way, I was reminded of my dear friend, whom I'd call when I needed reminding that someone else is going through a rough time. They're handling it, so I can handle what I'm going through. God has blessed me with an amazing circle of friends.

Countless times I have wondered what God expected me to learn from some of the nightmarish situations I survived. I learned to stand alone, if necessary. I learned to accept help. I learned to measure the cost of the help, because sometimes it's too high a price to pay. I learned I don't need a lot. I learned that people count. I learned that I'm wrong, a lot, but I'm also right, a lot. I learned that being cocky will come back and bite you. I learned that my life isn't easy, and if something comes easily then I better look more closely, but be grateful when it's the ease of a puzzle piece slipping into place. I learned to take note because the picture changes with each new fitted piece. I learned that God's plan is nothing like anything I can imagine, and His plan is always better, but He expects me to plan so I'm ready; it's my responsibility to be listening and willing and flexible. If He says turn right, and it looks like there's a wall there, turn right because He knows about the door and will open it, with precision timing. I've learned that consequences are unavoidable, and saying you're sorry doesn't make them go away, but saying you're sorry does make it a little more bearable. I mentioned in a previous post that I always wished I'd handled situations with more grace; I've learned that the only grace that matters is His grace, and it's His to give as He sees fit. It's my pride in the way when I feel like I should have done better. If I accepted God's grace, then I am better than I was. I've learned that the only person I can control is me. Not an uncommon lesson, but I'm learning to incorporate it into every aspect of my life. I'm not perfect, but that's no surprise either. This life is for learning and growing, and as long as I never quit, then there is always hope. I've learned that I don't want definitive answers. John the Baptist lost his head. He had a definitive answer. Fuzzy answers are acceptable. They leave room for any necessary adjustments that may come along. That does not give me permission to be wishy-washy.

Over the past ten years, my life has changed in ways I never imagined. I am more at peace now than ever before in my life. I remember what it was like to feel as if there were an empty space inside me that needed filling. I haven't felt that in a very long time. No matter how alone I feel, I know that God is always there, even if we aren't on speaking terms at the moment, my fault not His. I've learned that sometimes the quiet is good, too. I've learned that if a question isn't being answered, then I should probably rephrase it or try a completely different question. Sometimes, it's okay to ask for re-assurance, but then it's my responsibility to stop and listen.

I don't know what the next month will bring. I'm nervous and excited. I've taken the next step, whether it leads me somewhere I do not know. I do know the step had to be taken. It's done. Now, it's wait and see, but I've learned not to simply wait. One project done doesn't mean it's time to kick back; it means I'm now able to focus on the next project. It's a little discouraging, from time to time, because there's so little to show for it, except that the preparation is what will help it come together faster. So, I spend hours researching and taking notes, and try not to wonder if I'm out of my mind.